Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Room

It all started Sunday when I woke up with a horrible pain in my neck and back. It almost felt like whiplash if I could whiplash my whole left side. I knew I slept wrong and I was hoping the pain would go away in due time,  but it is still with me.  Today I went to the doctor because the pain has become unbearable.  That is where I discovered The Room.

The nurse showed me to my waiting room after I filled out a bible of medical papers. I sat down on the cushioned table covered in hard tissue paper. The paper always makes me want to grab it and unspool  it. I'm sure there is a hidden trap door somewhere filled with the paper, so if I did unravel it it would fill the room to the ceiling killing me with a thousand paper cuts. The Chinese would be proud their boobie-trap worked as planed.

After the nurse took my temperature (not in my anus),  blood pressure,  and pinched my nipples through my shirt,  she licked my eyebrows seductively as she said,  "Take off your shirt because I'm going to fuck you like a dirty the man-whore you are!"

Well, she didn't say that or do any of those sexual things,  but I know she wanted to.  Right men? All women and gay men think about when they see a heterosexual male is having hot sex with them? Na, we're just paranoid because we want sex with everything.  Hey a fire hydrant.. SEX!  Hey there is a 90 year old lady walking her dog... Ya threesome! Oh Snickers how you DO satisfy me.

My life changed as the nurse left the room only asking me to take my shirt off and not pursuing a nibble of my dangling earlobes.  As I sat in the cold room waiting for the doctor, I noticed a few things:

1. My nipples where very perky.

2. The paper my ass was on reflected my forceful farts like I was sitting on a marble counter top in a kitchen.  I noted I would be having sex on that counter with a line of women out the door as I farted gracefully.

3. The room had a floor, 4 walls, a ceiling, a door,  a medical needle waste bin I could smash open and stab myself to death if the moment arose, an eye examiner I could use as a weapon if I was getting robbed,  a table to harvest my organs,  a lone chair that could be used in the WWE, and a sterile sink I could piss in if I needed to mark my territory.

4. Most of all,  the room was empty of life besides myself.

The last thing got me thinking about my life and what it all meant to me.  How the room I was stuck in was actually my mind.  My mind was an empty room just waiting for some sort of stimulus to entertain it or save it from collapsing onto itself. The shear thought of thinking all this made me think of nothing,  but everything all at once.  If this was enlightenment,  the world is doomed.

I heard voices outside of my mind joking and talking to other people. This all was really outside of the real room,  but I was improving. They weren't talking to me though, they were talking to a distant god. My mind's door was closed and it was too terrifying to open that door and let anybody in even if it was someone that only was there to help me. It was my magical door of the damned.

It is best to keep the door closed.

The silence started eating at me. I looked down and only saw darkness.  I look up and the same darkness descended upon me.  The walls started getting closer and closer.  The chair was gone and so was the sink to poop in.  I better stop farting or I might end up shitting my pants.  The shit in the silence was coming for me.

I'm alone and I need to open the door.

I started using a meditation technique to sooth my mind.  It didn't work.  I tried to envision something happy like ponies or kittens, but the emptiness only grew.  I was all alone and I couldn't get the cover open on the used needle bin.  I was going to die and it wasn't going to be pretty. I would've curled up in a ball to hide from it all,  but the pain in my left side prevented me from being a whinny-ass bitch.  I had to take death standing up or sitting on tissue paper.

Just when I accepted my fate,  the doctor came in the magical door.  I saw rainbows,  deer,  and white bunnies with blue eyes behind him. I knew then I wasn't alone and everything was going to be ok today.  I wasn't going to die or choke somebody with a blood pressure cuff.  I was saved.

Colorado is now selling recreational marijuana.


  1. I'm jealous my nipples are limp and lifeless. Chicks dig men nipples right?

  2. Yes but you need to pinch them twice a day to keep them perky