Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Ode to Mr. Smith and Pandas

Without going into detail and being really confusing,  I'll tell you about something so you understand nothing. I'd like to talk to everybody,  but I'll group you all together as one being. I will call you Mr.  Smith. Now that I've established who you are,  let's learn about pandas.

Yesterday a 90 year old man was discovered living among pandas on a mysterious Island off the coast of another land.  Keep in mind,  there is a lot of water around this area.  The man looked young for his age and the team of archeologists that found him started a rumor he might be some kind of magic man or a Warlock of sorts.  I'm not sure why they didn't think he was a medicine man or voodoologist, but that's not the point of all this. Keep reading Mr. Smith because it gets weirder.

For shits and giggles I'll call the new island, the Timeless Isle or TI for short.  Sounds pretty badass doesn't it?  At first TI seemed like any other undiscovered island surrounded by deadly marine life, but when the team met Panda Man, they learned life wasn't so normal on TI.

When they found this "Warlock "  he was fishing in a pond with his panda family.  Ok that is a little odd, but when you put Asian robes and wicker hats on the pandas, shit was so crazy the archeologists thought they were hallucinating from the drugs they did on the boat ride there.  THEY WEREN'T! I'm not pulling your third leg.  This is not a fabricated story or video game.  This IS real life! Go ahead Mr. Smith Google, "Team discovers pandas wearing clothes fostering 90 year old man that can shoot fire out of his fingertips like a Warlock."  go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back flabbergasted.

Welcome back Mr. Smith.  What did you find? Yeah,  cool... Hmm interesting... Blah blah shut the fuck up so I can finish my story!

Anyways,  I'll get back to my story.

I guess I let the juiciness out of the bag up in the last real paragraph.  You heard me right,  the old fart could shoot fire out of his fingers. Even after 3 pounds of Magic Mushrooms you can't make this crap up. Unfortunately,  some of this had to be glorified because the whole team of archeologists were found burnt alive off some random coast. Sad as it was, we learned a lot from this.  When I say we, I mean you Mr. Smith.

I'll recap what you learned:

1. Pandas are endangered

2. The Red Panda is commonly confused with wombats even though they do not live together in the same house. Also, wombats can not be trained in combat, but pandas can.

3. Drugs are bad

4. This post is NOT about video games or ponies.

5. I got so mad last night I logged out of the island because a giant dragon kept killing me. 

6. Old men look weird naked

7. At the age of 40 you should get a deep cleaning of your teeth to help prevent root canals and various forms of gum disease. It hurts like hell the day after and you taste blood while you sleep.  Medicine like a swift kick to the balls will help alleviate the pain in your mouth.

8. There is a point to this post,  but I have no idea what it is. Maybe Mr. Smith knows?

So there you have it! Have a great day!


  1. Wombats cannot be trained in combat?

    I beg your pardon, sir! You have been excommunicated from the Combat Wombats for heresy!

  2. Wait old men look weird naked?? Your out of the old man club too