I woke up this morning and somebody pissed in my Elder Scrolls Online Beta test.
If you don't see a mention of WoW in an MMO beta these days, the beta you're in is not an MMO or the game sucks. WoW is and always be the benchmark for MMOs for years to come. If you can't handle that, maybe you need a new hobby.
I understand everybody is different and if they choose not to turn off chat during a beta, they better be willing to deal with WoW chat. I'm surprised an MMO hasn't made a WoW chat channel just for beta. The companies are quick to poke at WoW during their advertising, but they can't poke fun at themselves enough to dedicate a channel to the MMO God? Wimps!
Ok, there is no WoW channel and you're too stubborn or stupid to turn off all the general/zone chats. I feel for you (no I don't. I'm just saying this so you keep coming back to my blog. In reality I'm better than you and I know it). Because I'm a really sweet guy and you can lick me like a lollipop, I'll help you reign in your WoW rage, troll bait hook, OCD, pet peeve, or whatever drives you to respond to WoW comparisons in betas like TESO.
Because TESO beta test is today, I'll benefit from it by singling it out in this post, but this advice goes for all MMO betas. I'm sure Wildstar has its fair share of limp WoW dicks being slapped around in their chat too. Today, TESO is highlighted for the sole fact that it will drive traffic to my blog. Call me an attention whore or WoW fanboy, but in the end I'm just like that dude in TESO general chat pissing you off because you know I'm right in thinking you're WoW's bitch forever. You like it when I slap your ass *SMACK* YAY BABY!
Good, you're now horny for my advice.
1. If you decide to stand toe to toe with a WoWite, you better expect to get your ass thrashed. You need to go into the fight prepared to lose and look like a total moron to everybody in the channel. You've been warned.
2. Never insult the WoWite. They are smarter than you and they've had 9 Years perfecting their insults to make you feel pathetic for even talking to them.
3. Act like their friend. Say things like, "holy crap dude my weed is sooo losing it's kick!" or "I'm sorry my wife bent my dick doing Reverse Cowgirl last night and I'm a little bent out of shape... Sorry!"
4. Insult the stupid guy in the advice channel to draw attention away from yourself.
5. Talk about sports.
6. Log off and cry because you wish WoW would die in the fires of Hell and stop ruining your precious beta tests. Poor baby, you need your diapee changed?
7. Kick your chair out from under yourself in a rage. The chair flies back slamming into the wall putting a hole in it that will cost $125 to repair. If that's not bad enough, you killed your cat when the chair smashed his head in. Good job you ended a life because of WoW.
8. Meditate in the locus (you heard me not the Lotus position) position. Like all swarms of death and destruction, you need a quiet time to gather your thoughts before you bring the plague.
9. Make love to your spouse angrily. Trust me, they'll enjoy it as long as you don't scream Thrall's name when you climax.
10. Act like an innocent woman and start flirting with the WoWite. This advice will only end with them feeling really dirty. They'll be the one needing a diapee change.
As always, my advice is solid! Now you can go into the TESO beta with confidence. If you feel like you're about to snap, just pull up my blog and say my name 3 times to set me free.
Until I need more hits from Wildstar beta, this is Scarybooster signing off!