When I woke up I was at a cathedral in a place called Northshire. Standing in the middle of the pathway confused as hell as how I got there wearing shitty clothes ( I quickly removed), I noticed a stupid looking guard waving at me. I strode up to him with my balls on the cusp of ejecting from my tighty-whities. He grabbed my shoulder in a panic and said, "kind sir, thar be dire wolves in these parts! I will pay you if you bring me their hides."
What the fuck, I thought, but I said, "sure dude, but on 2 conditions."
"Anything kind sir, anything, " he quickly replied.
Shit! I should've demanded more, I mumbled under my breath.
Holding up my middle finger to start my counting. I promptly laid out my demands," 1. Touch me again and I'll break your finger off in your ass, " the idiot nodded in agreement," 2. I want money and something to cover my nipples. It's damn cold out here, " again he nodded like his neck was made of sheep skin wrapped around a limp dick. I guess that settled that. I was on my first quest to kill wolves.
I grabbed a stick off the ground large enough to bash a wolf's skull in, not really thinking how I was going to flay the wolf with a stick after the deed was done. Maybe, I'll just beat the wolves I kill against a tree until their guts shoot out their mouth? Na, that sounds exhausting, I debated with myself as I started to feel more and more angry about killing innocent animals.
Right when I was about to turn around and say fuck it, a wolf charged at me full speed frothing at the mouth. In a panic I raised my hands to shield my face. That's when it happened...
A ball of mystical purple shit flew out of my fingertips striking the wolf square in the face. In a flash guts were flying everywhere spraying blood and chunks on trees, grass, other idiots like me trying to kill wolves, children, vendors... Never mind you get the point of "everywhere". I stood there with my heart wiping its left ventricle on my underwear, amazed at what just happened. I was too numb to notice the shit running down my leg, but I really didn't care at that moment. All I knew was, killing felt DAMN good!
Standing there marveling at what just happened, I didn't notice the turds dripping down my legs starting to pool up and take shape. Only when I saw hopping movement out of the corner of my eyes did I realize what was happening, my crap was alive. Truthfully, at that moment I wasn't really surprised I could push a being out my ass and not feel it. I was kind of proud of the fact, even though it tore a gaping hole in my only pair of britches. Now I was really regretting my short list of demands.
After standing in the woods for an hour looking dumbfounded, covered in entrails, mostly naked, with an excited shit-stain blasting fireballs at anything that moved close to me, I happily collected my 10 wolf pelts. I knew from that moment on my life was going to be very interesting. I just couldn't wait to kill more. I didn't care what my next quest was; it could be 10 rats as long as I kept feeling this alive.
... To be continued... Maybe