Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Under The Bridge

The first time I ever touched a pair of titties, I was under a bridge.

Funny thing growing up, I would always grab things without thinking about the consequences. I think everybody has a moment when they can look back and say,  "what the hell was I thinking?"

Unfortunately, I have a crap load of those moments. I just get so damn excited about things. Whether it's a new electronic, game, car, socks, or a pair of soft breasts, I get EXCITED! I guess it's my passion for living or it could be my stupidity. I'm a sucker for new things.

Not too long ago I was super excited about this new game that was coming out. The company making the game owned a 300mph Hype Train. To get on train you just stood in front of it and splattered on the front grill. In my moth crazed excitement, I went out and bought the $150 collector's edition. I tasted my ass when I hit the train.

Talking about asses, I want to buy a donkey. I get a kick out of the thought of my wife yelling at me, "JACKASS!"

I reply,  "Ok honey schnookem', I'll go feed the donkey tonight."

Less than a month after owning the donkey I would be standing in court with my divorce summons thinking, "how did this happen? One day we were making love as the donkey grazed outside our bedroom window and the next day I'm here."

Life plays funny tricks on your mind when you buy a donkey. No matter how much love is in your heart, that jackass will ruin everything. This is exactly why I haven't bought a donkey... yet.

Over the years I've finally wised up a bit about buying new stuff. Just this holiday season I refused to buy a new computer over Black Friday even though I desperately needed one for my kids. I stood my ground and didn't buy any computer even though the deals were amazing. Finally when the computer died and the prices went back up, I was forced to buy a new computer. I'm so glad I waited!

There are these new games coming out this year I'm semi-interested in. Today I started hearing train whistles again. I strongly want to pack up my white owl and wand. I have to physically reprimand myself into not going to the train station. It's funny when I smack my own ass.

The urge to get back together with all my friends is just too much for me to resist. I miss Ron, Hermione, Hugo, Katniss, Peeta, Steve Martin, and the fat guy that loved to jam his hands in Steve's  ass. The whole crew will be waiting for me. Without me we can't win the war against evil.

Every ounce of me has to fight this feeling. I know in my heart I should wait, but If I do I could miss out on something I would miss out on. I'll miss that. My other option is to move to Canada and become a mountain man. I'll learn to gather poisonous berries and feed them to my pet bear. My friend Grizzly Adams lives there so he can teach me the ways of the forest.

Seriously, what the hell am I thinking? Who has time for a pet bear when a jackass keeps *HEEHAW*ing outside my bedroom window when I'm trying to listen to all my friends on TeamSpeak? I only live once right? If I don't eat the cake and get fat I'll never be able to go on a diet. What's the point of being fat if I can't bitch about being fat? I think I've made my decision. Thanks for listening!

The first time I got kicked in the balls was under a bridge. The pain shot through my body like being hit by a train going 300mph, but my hand touched heaven for a split second.

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