Thursday, January 30, 2014

Dear Elder Scrolls Online

Dear Elder Scrolls Online,

I'm having a bitch of a time ordering your game off your website! I could go to the various websites that give me a 20-25% discount, but I believe in going to the source to help a company grow without the pain in the ass money exchange of money through third party vendors. I want to give you all my money, why is it so hard? That question isn't directed towards my penis. I know why that is so hard. My wife says she has a golden vagina. She does and I have a platinum penis. Together we sound like church bells on Sunday when we're fucking. I always try to go balls deep to crack that ass like the Liberty Bell. *BONG! *

Just so you know, I'm kind of a big deal in my head. I post this shit and the Internet is going to go ballistic. I know what you're thinking, he's bat shit crazy and nobody gives a shit what he is talking about. He probably doesn't even get 10 hits a day with his foul languaged posts.

Surprise fuckers!  I have 10 hits on this and I haven't even posted it yet. Hell yeah that's possible! I bent yo momma over my monitor and slapped her ass 10 times while typing this! That's how I roll all gangsta trollin'!

I'm sorry about that last paragraph I didn't mean it. I feel really bad for blurting that out. I wish there was a way I could take it back. Sadly, I can't. I typed it and once it's been typed I can't undo my mistakes. My sincere apology to you all. I'm a bit ashamed right now I don't know if I can continue.

Stupid asshole trying to apologize! There is know need, you're all idiots. I'm sitting here fighting with this spineless shit stain. He obviously doesn't realize Zenimax is an evil cooperation that plans on doing a quick bait and switch after they've suckered people out of as much money as they can afford before becoming overwhelmed by the craptastic game. You should be ashamed to even use the Elder Scrolls name. That's like spitting on Michael Jackson grave.

Oh my, I feel like this isn't going to be good for my blogging career. I need to keep my inner voice under control if I want to be recognized by Zenimax. This type of language isn't going to get me Retweets by them or the awesome fan sites.

Fuck fan sites! What they ever do for us? They trot all over the Internet kissing more ass than Oprah has lost and gained. They're in it for themselves to be emptily praised by developers. "Oh good boy! Now roll over, play dead, bark,  lick my balls... Good fan site! Here's some more peanut butter... Yeah lick that peanut butter off, lick it... yum!

I might have thrown up in my mouth a bit.  I really need to hurry this up before it gets out of hand.

Don't worry your hand is grasping your shaft pretty tight. I don't foresee you loosing your grasp anytime soon. You might want to try sliding it gently though...

SHUT UP!  I can't concentrate on making amends with all your  lewd comments. You don't get kudos from developers if you're an asshat. Nobody will pay attention to your troll behavior. Just go back under your bridge so I can finish this on a good note.

I'm sorry I was insulting to Zenimax. Do you forgive me?

Wow, yeah I do that is very nice of you.

Fuck you! I was pulling your leg you bitch. Oh poor baby need a diapie change? I made you cry and you pooped your undies? Pussy!

You're an evil person you know that?


Good because you are. I really hate you sometimes. You make it hard for companies to recognize my hard work as a writer... What? Why you laughing?

Writer!  Capital LOL!  You're a "blogger" and I use even that term loosely. Writer, don't make me slap you. Go back to your room and write another journal entry about me. I'll give you back the little key to the pink book.

You're just a feelings hurter aren't you? Always putting people down for your amusement because you're mother didn't hug you enough.


Now who needs the diapie change now?

ACT 2:

I think I'm having problems with my phone ordering The Elder Scrolls Online. I'll have to go home tonight and try it there before I get frustrated. I planned a long blog post about the troubles I'm having, but I can't seem to remember what I was going to say. I really need a breath mint and headache medicine.

Anyways, I'm going to keep trying to order the game and I hope it all works out for me in the end. I really don't have any doubt it will. I'm sure everything will work out fine. I might even join one of those great fan sites to keep up with information about the game. It's exciting times now that I feel the game is right around the corner.

See you all in TESO!

Fuck you!


  1. I had a little discussion with em last night when I found that my pre-order from GMG only came with a 3 day head start, while their site said the standard edition came with a 5 day head start.

    Turns out they're hoarding those extra 2 days for people who order through them, and everyone else only gets 3. I didn't see that anywhere on their site, and they only confirmed this through a DM on if they didn't WANT anyone to know.

    Zenimax is kinda shady...I'm not really a fan of theirs.

    1. Yeah that sounds a bit shady. I fear the second coming of Sandy, White, Tiny, Obese, Raccoons. They dig through your trash and claw your eyes out.

    2. That is SUPER shady.... way to piss people off before they've even logged in for the first time.

  2. You are like a picasso of profanity, weaving a tapestry of delight.

  3. 50 Shades of Scary.. love it.

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