Friday, January 31, 2014

Mobile Blogging Tips

As a mobile blogger for over 5 years now, I get a lot of stupid questions about how I do it. Just yesterday when I was at Starbucks getting a coffee a man writing his novel stopped me and said, " Dude, you're Scarybooster right?"

This type of thing happens to me all the time so I wasn't shocked by his starstruck behavior. I simply replied before I threw my coffee in his face, "but of course."

Excitedly with his eyes blistering up from the boiling brew he screamed,  " do you have any Grey Poupon?"

"But of course, " and I preceded to box his man-breasts.

A week prior to me being locked up in the county jail for assaulting that man, I was at the Grammy's when Drew Barrymore stopped me to ask for tips on mobile blogging." Scarybooster, Scarybooster, " she yelled frantically as we had sex in the back of her car!

You see, people want to know how I do this. They need to know what makes me post day in and day out on a phone. You're in luck! I've come up with 10 tips that don't require condoms, for mobile blogging. Of course mobile blogging is always subject to rule changes, so never expect 10 tips. Don't worry, you'll learn that tip later, maybe.

Obviously, I've said more than enough setting up this blog post. It's time to get to the meat (Drew likes it when I talk about meat) of this post.

1. Get a Phone:

The key to successful mobile blogging is to have a phone. Not only should you have a phone, but you should have the most expensive phone on the market. Don't worry about the cost and monthly fees, that'll be taken care of when you start making money.

Once you have you're ridiculously expensive phone, you should test it's durability and waterproofing by dropping it and pissing on it. If it still works after that, you're ready to season your phone for writing.

Phone seasoning is a week long process of getting to know your phone and learning how to type on it efficiently. Here's how I season my phone for success:

A.  I put my phone in "The Cradle" for 3 days. The Cradle is when you place your micro USB port gently against your balls (if you don't have balls you will need to have a surrogate seasoner) with the phone face up in your taint. The phone receiver should be overlooking your sphincter.

B. After the 3 days are up you should bring your phone back to your contract carrier's local store. Tell the sales person your phone is very staticy when people are trying to talk to you. Then, insist they listen on your phone while you try to talk to them on another phone. If your phone checks out good, it is now seasoned for writing.

C. Wait 4 more days for your to ferment.

2. Mobile Blogging app:

This by far, is your meat... Hold on a second.

"Now Drew, I told you I'm writing a serious blog post to help other people. You can't always jump on me when I say MEAT. I promise later we'll do a lot of marinating and I'll do that thing with my hips as I stir the pot. "

... As I was saying, the blogging app is your meat and potatoes for mobile blogging. You'll need to research the best app with the least amount of problems before you start. Because I use Blogger as my platform, I chose to ignore this rule and get their app. So far it's been great. I've lost about 3 posts a week and I can't post pictures or the app crashes and deletes all my content. Some times when I'm not even using it I get a pop-up that tells me the app crashed for the fuck of it. With any luck I'll get to write this post only 5 more times.

You see, it is extremely important to get the best app you can. When I used WordPress I had similar results from their app. I think it's always best to get the company's app because you know you'll get a quality product every time.

6. Writing:

Writing on a phone is a pain in the ass. I feel rewarded every time I start writing. I quickly learned to ignore quality over quantity. The point of mobile blogging is to bang out as much nonsense as fast as possible. You can't think about what you're writing, you just need to do it.

With every great blog post comes structure and style. Here is how I write a phenomenal post on my phone:

A. Editing- I don't do it at all. It's a waste of my time. Sure I make mistakes,  but that only brings all the grammar Native-Gremans to my blog. The more hits I get, the more money I get. Not only that, I can bang out a shitty post in about an hour with a thousand words.

B. Topic structure - I'm not sure what this means or has to do with a good post. Frankly, it sounds stupid to me. Who the hell has time to stay on topic? Just let your mind wander has your hand touches Drew 's moist spots... Mmmm, that's nice.

Funny story, I forgot to tell you yesterday and I really can't think of it now, but it was funny, trust me.

C. Commas- use them all the time. If you pause to think, throw a comma in. If you feel dramatic, throw a comma in. When in doubt, comma. A comma makes you look smarter all the time, every time. Even end a sentence with a comma,

D. Wrap it before you tap it- because you can't go back and edit your post, you'll need to think of a way to wrap up your post before it gets out of hand. You can't just ramble on forever and expect people to understand what you're writing or thinking. I always end by making my readers feel bad. If they feel stupid in the end, they won't question any part of your post. They'll just accept they're too fucking dumb to comprehend your point. Fucking idiots!

E. Never look back and never promise exactly what you think you wanted to say. Don't ever tell your readers you have a point or you're going to give them a specific number of things. Sooner or later you'll fail. What happens if you want to write 10 tips in a blog post and you only can think of 5? You're screwed because you can't go back and change your post. You now look like an idiot for thinking you have 10 important things to say and you don't. What happens if you forget what you're talking about and you go off on a tangent that requires letter points and not number points? Obviously, you just showed the world you're incompetent.

4. Publish:

The hardest part about mobile blogging is publishing a post. Without the tools you get from a real computer like a keyboard, back button, middle mouse button, and several monitors to research topics that are hot, you can't be the best. Luckily for you, I'm telling you this so you know you'll always suck compared to me. Just publish your stupid post and I promise I'll never read it.

10. Humor:

You need to remember to always have a smile on the outside while you're crying on the inside. Your phone might smell like shit. Your app will crash on you several times when you're writing your masterpiece. The structure, content, grammar, and topics you write will be inconsistent and total shit. Publishing a post is worse than pissing out a kidney stone, but If you swallow your tears like Drew does sperm, you'll be able to laugh your way to the bank. Take it from me, mobile blogging is a hellish nightmare you should do everyday of your life until you're blessed enough to die in a horrific plane crash.

I hope you learned a lot from my mobile blogging tips you fucking moron. Good luck trying to outdo me!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Dear Elder Scrolls Online

Dear Elder Scrolls Online,

I'm having a bitch of a time ordering your game off your website! I could go to the various websites that give me a 20-25% discount, but I believe in going to the source to help a company grow without the pain in the ass money exchange of money through third party vendors. I want to give you all my money, why is it so hard? That question isn't directed towards my penis. I know why that is so hard. My wife says she has a golden vagina. She does and I have a platinum penis. Together we sound like church bells on Sunday when we're fucking. I always try to go balls deep to crack that ass like the Liberty Bell. *BONG! *

Just so you know, I'm kind of a big deal in my head. I post this shit and the Internet is going to go ballistic. I know what you're thinking, he's bat shit crazy and nobody gives a shit what he is talking about. He probably doesn't even get 10 hits a day with his foul languaged posts.

Surprise fuckers!  I have 10 hits on this and I haven't even posted it yet. Hell yeah that's possible! I bent yo momma over my monitor and slapped her ass 10 times while typing this! That's how I roll all gangsta trollin'!

I'm sorry about that last paragraph I didn't mean it. I feel really bad for blurting that out. I wish there was a way I could take it back. Sadly, I can't. I typed it and once it's been typed I can't undo my mistakes. My sincere apology to you all. I'm a bit ashamed right now I don't know if I can continue.

Stupid asshole trying to apologize! There is know need, you're all idiots. I'm sitting here fighting with this spineless shit stain. He obviously doesn't realize Zenimax is an evil cooperation that plans on doing a quick bait and switch after they've suckered people out of as much money as they can afford before becoming overwhelmed by the craptastic game. You should be ashamed to even use the Elder Scrolls name. That's like spitting on Michael Jackson grave.

Oh my, I feel like this isn't going to be good for my blogging career. I need to keep my inner voice under control if I want to be recognized by Zenimax. This type of language isn't going to get me Retweets by them or the awesome fan sites.

Fuck fan sites! What they ever do for us? They trot all over the Internet kissing more ass than Oprah has lost and gained. They're in it for themselves to be emptily praised by developers. "Oh good boy! Now roll over, play dead, bark,  lick my balls... Good fan site! Here's some more peanut butter... Yeah lick that peanut butter off, lick it... yum!

I might have thrown up in my mouth a bit.  I really need to hurry this up before it gets out of hand.

Don't worry your hand is grasping your shaft pretty tight. I don't foresee you loosing your grasp anytime soon. You might want to try sliding it gently though...

SHUT UP!  I can't concentrate on making amends with all your  lewd comments. You don't get kudos from developers if you're an asshat. Nobody will pay attention to your troll behavior. Just go back under your bridge so I can finish this on a good note.

I'm sorry I was insulting to Zenimax. Do you forgive me?

Wow, yeah I do that is very nice of you.

Fuck you! I was pulling your leg you bitch. Oh poor baby need a diapie change? I made you cry and you pooped your undies? Pussy!

You're an evil person you know that?

Yes!

Good because you are. I really hate you sometimes. You make it hard for companies to recognize my hard work as a writer... What? Why you laughing?

Writer!  Capital LOL!  You're a "blogger" and I use even that term loosely. Writer, don't make me slap you. Go back to your room and write another journal entry about me. I'll give you back the little key to the pink book.

You're just a feelings hurter aren't you? Always putting people down for your amusement because you're mother didn't hug you enough.

HEY! THAT'S OUR MOTHER YOUR TALKING ABOUT!

Now who needs the diapie change now?

ACT 2:

I think I'm having problems with my phone ordering The Elder Scrolls Online. I'll have to go home tonight and try it there before I get frustrated. I planned a long blog post about the troubles I'm having, but I can't seem to remember what I was going to say. I really need a breath mint and headache medicine.

Anyways, I'm going to keep trying to order the game and I hope it all works out for me in the end. I really don't have any doubt it will. I'm sure everything will work out fine. I might even join one of those great fan sites to keep up with information about the game. It's exciting times now that I feel the game is right around the corner.

See you all in TESO!











Fuck you!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Under The Bridge

The first time I ever touched a pair of titties, I was under a bridge.

Funny thing growing up, I would always grab things without thinking about the consequences. I think everybody has a moment when they can look back and say,  "what the hell was I thinking?"

Unfortunately, I have a crap load of those moments. I just get so damn excited about things. Whether it's a new electronic, game, car, socks, or a pair of soft breasts, I get EXCITED! I guess it's my passion for living or it could be my stupidity. I'm a sucker for new things.

Not too long ago I was super excited about this new game that was coming out. The company making the game owned a 300mph Hype Train. To get on train you just stood in front of it and splattered on the front grill. In my moth crazed excitement, I went out and bought the $150 collector's edition. I tasted my ass when I hit the train.

Talking about asses, I want to buy a donkey. I get a kick out of the thought of my wife yelling at me, "JACKASS!"

I reply,  "Ok honey schnookem', I'll go feed the donkey tonight."

Less than a month after owning the donkey I would be standing in court with my divorce summons thinking, "how did this happen? One day we were making love as the donkey grazed outside our bedroom window and the next day I'm here."

Life plays funny tricks on your mind when you buy a donkey. No matter how much love is in your heart, that jackass will ruin everything. This is exactly why I haven't bought a donkey... yet.

Over the years I've finally wised up a bit about buying new stuff. Just this holiday season I refused to buy a new computer over Black Friday even though I desperately needed one for my kids. I stood my ground and didn't buy any computer even though the deals were amazing. Finally when the computer died and the prices went back up, I was forced to buy a new computer. I'm so glad I waited!

There are these new games coming out this year I'm semi-interested in. Today I started hearing train whistles again. I strongly want to pack up my white owl and wand. I have to physically reprimand myself into not going to the train station. It's funny when I smack my own ass.

The urge to get back together with all my friends is just too much for me to resist. I miss Ron, Hermione, Hugo, Katniss, Peeta, Steve Martin, and the fat guy that loved to jam his hands in Steve's  ass. The whole crew will be waiting for me. Without me we can't win the war against evil.

Every ounce of me has to fight this feeling. I know in my heart I should wait, but If I do I could miss out on something I would miss out on. I'll miss that. My other option is to move to Canada and become a mountain man. I'll learn to gather poisonous berries and feed them to my pet bear. My friend Grizzly Adams lives there so he can teach me the ways of the forest.

Seriously, what the hell am I thinking? Who has time for a pet bear when a jackass keeps *HEEHAW*ing outside my bedroom window when I'm trying to listen to all my friends on TeamSpeak? I only live once right? If I don't eat the cake and get fat I'll never be able to go on a diet. What's the point of being fat if I can't bitch about being fat? I think I've made my decision. Thanks for listening!

The first time I got kicked in the balls was under a bridge. The pain shot through my body like being hit by a train going 300mph, but my hand touched heaven for a split second.

Night of The Wombat!

I'm part of this group/community on Google Plus called, Combat Wombats. There are 55 members as of the last time I looked. They've set up guilds in several games, but none of the games really had a huge membership. The Wombats aren't really a guild to me they're a community of like-minded gamers that love all the games and have busy lives. It's not really what a guild can survive on in a game.

I've joined several guilds like this thinking "this is the guild and game". Unfortunately these types of guilds never stay active past about a month. The players, including me, are too much into every game and not enough into 1 game. Sooner or later we all stop playing and move on to a new game or the dedicated players move on to a guild that fits their passion for that game. It sounds bad, but it's really perfect if you're in the right mindset and embrace the concept.

Why is the Combat Wombats different?

They've embraced their love of game hopping with an experiment. One of the community owners (could be a guild leader, but leading these individuals is like putting atoms in a straight line in your hands. Not impossible, but damn near lucky if you do.), Chris Smith had devised a brilliant plan to gather us all up one night a week and then release us back into the wild.

To really grasp the concept of being a Combat Wombat I had to research wombats. This is what I found:

 "They are not commonly seen, but leave ample evidence of their passage, treating fences as minor inconveniences to be gone through or under, and leaving distinctive cubic faeces."

To me this is exactly what it means to be a Combat Wombat. We come to games, shit all over the place, and then go hide. Some people have a hard time understanding this. They join guilds like this and get all pissed when the majority of Wombats start making new burrows under new fences. Being a Wombat has never meant being part of a huge social interaction like a guild to me. You need proof again?  Here is another fact about wombats:

"Wombats seem to be solitary animals and not very social. There appears to be little contact between adults. When wombats meet on the surface, they try to avoid each other."

So what does it mean to be a part of a community of gamers that really aren't a community?

You're your own animal and you can do what you want. Take it or leave it you can be a Wombat, but avoid other Wombats if you want to. Shit, I know of a couple Wombats that block each other on Google Plus. You know, wombats are known to headbutt each other on a display of dominance? I hope whomever discovered the Combat Wombats knows how fitting the name really is.

Night of the Wombats:

Just like the animals, Wombats need to interact at sometime to breed. Chris decided to make a fun gaming night for the Wombats. We all took a poll and discovered:

1. What game
2. Best time
3. Best day
4. Who

Even his perfectly anal Google Doc was not a match for the Wombats. A game that wasn't even on the list won the game of the week,  Dragon Prophet. I'm with you on this one, what the hell is Dragon Prophet? It's a game!  When I saw this I didn't get pissed because my precious WoW didn't win or my second game, GW2. I said to myself, "this sounds fun! I'm going to play a new game I've never heard about. It probably sucks ass, but I'm willing to play it to see."

I see it like this:

I'm the last man on Earth and I NEED to have sex with this really ugly girl to save humanity. I can put a bag over her head and go to town. In the process I might find out she has an amazing vagina or I can run away screaming in hopes I find a cliff. Either way I need to pull my penis out and get laid. That is never a bad thing... unless she has an STI, but still I got some before the pain sets in.

The whole point of this post is to help you understand Wombats and I hope you join us in Dragon Prophet on Friday at 8pm EST to 10pm EST. And no, you do not need to be a Combat Wombat or a community member or a guild member or some social butterfly or a momma's boy or a sex addict or anything. Be your damn self and play the fucking game if you want to. Just know, there are no guarantees being a Wombat.

Wait... There is a guarantee...

I guarantee you'll play a game and like it for at least 1 sec. After that you're on your own.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

300

I promised my son I would write 300 blog posts this year to help motivate him into writing more. At the age of 10 he dreams of being a writer and illustrator. I'm trying to do everything I can to cheer him on. I just don't have the heart to tell him, blogging is like that hobo we see outside of the music shop playing his banjo for loose change in a world of plastic money.

I know most kids dream of being something that they never do when they actually become an adult, but cheering him on will only build a drive inside him to do what he loves. Being a writer doesn't make me push him anymore than if he wanted to be a plumber, it helps because I understand his desire. I would gladly go to Home Depot and buy him a youth plunger for our clogged drains and toilets. Shoot, I'd buy him a whole carpenter's belt full of tools if he was as passionate about nasty globs of hair as he is about writing and drawing. Thankfully, he only wants to shit in the toilet and not pull them around the pipes.

So, I bought him a bunch of journals to write in. I even bought him a Wacom drawing pad for the computer. Everyday we talk about stories and what he's drawn lately. To top it off, I promised him 300 blog posts in 2014. I'm the best dad ever?!?!

My son thinks blogging is is as good as being a published writer. Da'fuck if I'm gonna to tell him the truth about blogging. This shit is Santa Claus of writing for all he knows. You tell him the truth and I'll break both your kneecaps. Hopefully when he gets older and realized what a blog really is, he'll have the habit of writing and won't be too devastated by my lies. It's not like I'm doing porn telling my kid I'm a famous actor. I'm harmlessly banging away at words on the Internet not diseased humans.

So about those 300 posts...

It's not like 300 is impossible or some kind of world record. I have several friends that blog everyday or at least attempt to (you should stop being an asshole and click the links. Don't just stare at them CLICK!). I'm not going to blog everyday it's not in my life's schedule to whip out my phone and start banging away at the screen on my weekends. I'll attempt to get 300 posts this year by blogging when I feel like it. Some days I might blog 2 or 3 times and some days I'll put a bag over your head and laugh at you around random corners of the world... Marco...

Info note: I don't know if you know this, but I don't put links on my blog very often. I'm a bit selfish and I fear nobody will love me if I point out better blogs. You see a blog roll on the side bar of my blog? No... are you sure, look closer. That's right, there isn't one because I'm selfish. Thanks for making me look like a total asshole with no blog roll. It's best if you just click on the damn links. Thanks now back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Act like nothing happened in italics and continue...

As the best father in the world (the coffee cup reminds me of that every morning), I plan to write the best damn blog posts I can from now until 31 December 2014. I'm going to put my heart into every post and make every one of them creative in their own way. You won't see a cheap ass post like:

*stuffy boring voice* It's Friday again. I bought some new pants because my old ones had shit stains in them. Ya, they were old pants *bored snoting noise because my nose is even trying to run away from this horrible post*. I bought a shirt too. That's all, I think. I'm going to hang up the post now and wipe. I made it to the potty today *clunking of toilet paper dispenser *.

I'm going to own this blog! I'm gonna come here whenever I feel the urge and post about stuff and junk, mostly junk. One day you might get some up beat post and the next you'll need to be held tightly at night while you dab away your tears. That's how I post! I slap this shit on the Internet like, *POW* *BAM* *BOWNTCHICKAWOWWOW*! Like I said in my first post way too far in my blog archives to link:

"I'm going to bring a banjo, you bring your jar full of pennies (pennies is a metaphor for comments because I look like a total douchebag writing like this and you can't bother to run back to your car to grab one fucking, sticky penny from your drink holder so I don't look like a total loser in front of this music shop while my kid is in the store dreaming of grandeur at the baby grand piano! *sigh* I feel better thanks :)

That is word for word quote. You don't believe me? Well mister/miss Smarty Pants, you'll just have to click every post to find it.

What ass coming to MY blog trying to tell me what I did or didn't say... THE NERVE!

Car Shopping

I spent all weekend looking for the prefect damn car and all I found was the shear amount of cars I couldn't get. Car shopping is a massive headache, but I enjoy looking at them. My favorite part is going on the Internet and researching all the different types out there and what is available to me.

At the beginning of the weekend I just mindlessly drove around window shopping. Every once and awhile I would pop my head into a dealership and look around, but nothing too serious. By the end of the weekend I was deep in websites and I had an efficient route planned out. Even though I got serious about buying a new car, I'm still riding around in my trusty old steed this morning.

I know all my readers don't come here for super serious tips on car shopping,  so to bore the piss out of you, I'll make it brief. This is a basic rundown of my weekend journey.  You can easily use it in your area for any vehicle you want. It doesn't have to be exactly the way I did it or the cars I want.

1. Toyota Raven

This was the first car I looked at. I figured I needed a bit more room so I wanted a mini-SUV. Once a day I visited my local dealership to see if they had this beautiful baby in. Unfortunately, every time I went to Seth Sethekk Auto Halls, they were all out of it. It really pisses me off because this car is way below my price range and I could easily afford it. Just my luck though, the truck  never drops it off.

I'll tell you how simple it is for me to get this:

A. I take a quick transport from Vale Street to the Shat Rail station.

B. From there I get on a bus to the Army Stronghold.

C. I take the airport shuttle to the Auchindoun Event Center. It's usually busy there with concerts and stuff. This weekend Katy Perry was playing. I love her new song Dark Horse.

D. It's just a quick walk from the event center to Seth's. I would take my car, but there are a lot of birds in the area and they shit on my car.

E. I walk into Seth's heroicly because there is this hot chick named Anzu that will only help me if I strut in like a badass. She is very beautiful and normally gives me some purple candies and coffee. She's also the one that can quickly tell me if there are any Raven's in stock.

All weekend I did this same ritual and every time no dice. I'll keep trying because it's a cheap car, even though it gets very tedious going there everyday. I would call, but their answering service has too many annoying voice commands that never work right. It's just easier to go there.

I went to to detail with Seth's because it's easy to explain and the rest are very similar rituals I go through to get to the other dealerships. I'm not going to bore you with every detail over and over. You can Google map it just as easy as I can. With that, here is a quick list of the other cars and locations in my area:

2. Pontiac Phoenix

This is an older car, but it's very beautiful especially with flames all over it. It sores down the highway in style. I only can stop here once a week because of their hours. I go to Tempest Automart Keepers. Their moto is: "We sell keepers that even tempt us! Onlycat Tempest!" Funny right? Fuck them! They never have the car in stock when I get there.

3. Dodge Deathcharger

"Come down to Baron Riverdale's just off the East Gate exit and get yourself the hot new Dodge Deathcharger! "... Fuck you! I've been going to your shithole for the past 9 years looking for a Deathcharger and each time you try to bend me over the counter talking horsepower and prices. Damn you to hell and your precious horses!

4. Honda Huolon

I really can't complain about this car or dealership, it's so new. I've only tried to get this car for the first time this weekend. The only place that stocks it is on an island. If time permits I stop by and wait for the trucks to come in ever hour or so. I want to get my hands on one of these babies because I heard they pack enough power to do some dragin'.

5. Tesla Triceratops

Funny thing about this car is it has 3 horns. I get a kick out of that every time. Get it, Triceratops... three horns *beep*, *honk*, *whaahogna*? Funny concept isn't it? This car is so new it's only sold in 5 locations and they're all in Chinatown. Yesterday was the first time I tried to get one, but only one sales associate would speak to me. The rest were sold out or had a huge waiting line. Luckily I was first in line at the Jade Forest dealership.

A friend and I sat down with the dealer and we went blow for blow on pricing. I fought hard for about 10 minutes. My friend got up several times to go to the bathroom to throw up. I really felt bad for him, but he insisted on coming to help me out. He did help a lot and I'm very grateful he came. I just feel sorry for him in his weak state.

My friend came back as fast as he could  to throw me some healing words before he felt like he was dying again. After beating up the dealer with financing, he gave me a couple coupons and told me they would get a new shipment in later... Asshole!

Even though I didn't get a new car this weekend I had a fun time shopping around. It was a bit frustrating when I thought for sure I was going to be driving away in a new vehicle, but getting out and discovering new places was just as rewarding. The old dealerships were even fun to visit again for nostalgic reasons. All in all I had a wonderful weekend car shopping.

Just always remember when you're out looking for a new car and it starts to feel very grindy, you'll feel like the journey was epic when you finally get in the new car. And it won't smell like stale farts.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

How Movies Deep... ly Impact Us.

Yesterday I talked a little about my mistakes in life. I would link that post in this post like many blogs or news sites do, but if you're too damn stupid to look down 1 post, you probably should stop reading now. Anyways, now that all the smart people are still here reading, I can continue with my thought provoking post.
Today, I want to talk about movies that have impacted my life in one way or another. There is a lot of stuff to cover, so I just wanted to focus on movies that have changed the way I've looked at life. I've seen billions of movies so I'll narrow it down to my top 5 life changers.

Like everybody else, there are really personal things that have changed my way of thinking over the course of 39.4 years. On a less personal level, movies have been there for me when I really needed a great life's lesson. Whether it was a time in my life I bonded with the tone of the movie or an "Oh shit!" moment I needed to shock me into taking the next step into growing up, movies have been there for me.

The movies I'm going to talk about are not all Oscar award winning movies. They are not my top 5 movies of all time either. I don't sit at home every weekend watching these movies memorizing lines. They are just movies I can look back in my past and remember how they changed me psychologically in one way or another. I didn't even put the movies in chronological order or some scale I created mathematically depending on my feelings cross referenced with my age. The list below is numbered so I don't go over 5 movies. Other than that, it's just me living the moment.

1. Bambi:

When I was a kid I remember seeing this movie and being devastated for years to come. Actually, I'm still devastated by this movie. I bought it for my kids when one of them was a baby and I tried to watch it for the memories; that was a horrible idea.

I sat there with my small child next to me almost in tears.  Bambi brought back so many emotions I walled away in my psyche. Watching it again broke that wall down like a wrecking ball being greased up my Miley Cyrus' naked body.  The things I tried so hard to hide from myself as a child, all came back to me in a flood. Bambi was the movie I realized how horrible death can be. Not my death, but the death of my parents in a forest fire only YOU can prevent. Smokey the Bear was a lying sac of shit and an asshole for not telling me fires can kill my parents.

Watching the movie as an adult didn't ease the way it changed my life, it changed it again. Knowing what I know now and not what I didn't know then, I came to the conclusion: Bambi is a boring movie I will never watch again. I dislike that movie and my kids are banned from watching it. I hate it!  HATE! BAMBI I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU!  I hate that movie.

2. Superman:

This was the first time I discovered  superheroes. At the ripe age of 5 or 6, I saw the original Superman movie. It changed my life forever in many ways. First, it made me realize I couldn't fly.  At that age I thought I could do anything because nobody told me I couldn't. I figured if I wanted something bad enough, it would come true. My life had no bounds and even gravity couldn't keep me down, it did.

Luckily for me, I climbed only about 4 feet off the ground before I took my first leap of faith. It was then I discovered faith is only part of succeeding. Still to this day I don't know what went wrong. I can feel my faith still inside me as strong as it was back then. I will not give up my dream to be a superhero. I will give up my dream to fly though.

That day I knew I wasn't Superman and I would never have the ability to shoot bad CGI laser beams out of my eyes,  but I discovered how I could be a superhero. I knew then being a superhero wasn't about powers,  but about how I treat others every day of my life.  I could be a hero by telling the truth, being kind, loving, gentle,  and do my best to treat others with respect and integrity.

I've spent my time as a father teaching my children how to be superheroes too. I let them know they can do anything they want as long as it is good and doesn't involve jumping out of trees. Their lives are limitless and no superpower can defeat a kind heart. In teaching my kids this,  I've become a stronger superhero because I've passed on my powers to the next generation to evolve away from hate and jealousy.

I've had them all watch every Superman movie that didn't suck. After every movie I explain the true meaning of being a superhero to them. I tell them they CAN fly, not physically, but mentally. Their thoughts, dreams, ambitions, and faiths have no bounds if they always do what they think is right.

3. A random hardcore adult film:

Notice how I move from sweet, innocent, caring, father to PORN? Don't worry, I didn't randomly put these 2 movies together. I always have a plan. You might need to poke around a bit to find out what it really means to you.

Like most kids these days, pornographic movies or websites are where we lose our innocence. Something about porn that a parent or school teacher can't really put their fingers on to make kids understand what sex is really NOT about. You can explain what sex is to a kid or show loving sexual educational videos, but nothing can prepare you for porn.

The first time I saw a porno I just sat there dumbfounded while I watched, *SLURP*, mmmmhhhh baby you taste good (did she just fit all that penis in her mouth?) , *GURGLE*, ahhhhh put it in my ass (holy shit where does she want it?), *LICK*, oohhhh it feels so good when you link my pussy Debbie (OMG there is a woman licking another woman's fuzzy bits), ect ect. I won't get too graphic.

In a matter of seconds into the movie my heart was racing and my zipper 's teeth were stretching to their limit. I didn't know what to make of all the fluids splashing around the screen so fast. It was exotic, gross, exciting, intimidating, and overall WHAT THE FUCK!

To this day I don't understand porn, but I continue to research it to build on my hypothesis for my master's degree. I still wonder what movie it is I saw. Like the acting in these movies, the title just didn't blow me away. Does it really matter what it is though?  Even the titles or actors in the  movies on this list don't matter, they are all important because of how they kick started one event or another in my life through emotional evolution.

4. American Werewolf in London:

This movie changed me twice in my life. The first time was when I saw it on HBO as a kid and the second one time was when I watched it again as an adult.

When I was a kid I snuck downstairs at night and watched this on the TV when everybody else was asleep. I disobeyed my mother for the first time in my life (well, it was the first time I really remember doing it on purpose). I wanted to see this movie so bad I wouldn't listen to my mother's objections. After all, I was a kid and I knew what was best.

The movie scared the shit out of me. I remember quietly returning to my room with the images of the horror flick burned into my retinas. I sat in my dark, dark, dark, room trying to get the images out of my head. I was terrified. What seemed like hours, I laid awake in my bed trying not to cry. I couldn't handle it though, I knew my mother was right and the only way I was going to get any sleep was to sleep with her.

I ran into her room sobbing uncontrollably. Too ashamed to tell her what I did, I just lied again and told her I had a nightmare. Like a great mother she was/is, she dried my tears and made me feel safe again so I could sleep.

Probably 20 years later I had the urge to see this movie again. I wanted to face my childhood demons and find out why this movie scared me so much. What I didn't expect was how drastically my views on life had changed. This movie put it all in perspective for me.

As I watched the movie again, I laughed at it. The movie was a horror comedy. As an adult I finally "got it". Yes the movie was graphic, but it was also intentionally funny. I was too scared as a kid to understand the movie for what it really was. Watching it again was that moment I could point and say,  "this is growing up."

5. E. T.

E. T. was a life changing movie for my generation. I would guess this movie changed a lot of people around my age when it first came out. It was the best movie of my childhood, sorry Star Wars.

Not only was this movie packed full of an emotional roller coaster, but it was the first movie I fell in love with an actress. Exactly the same age as me, Drew Barrymore stole my heart. She was the first love of my movie life. The whole alien and lighted finger could jam up someone's ass for all I cared; Drew was enchanting to me.

If you've read any of my writing you know Drew still holds a piece of my heart. I'm not stalker in love with her, but I did brief my wife and she has agreed not to kick Drew out of bed if the opportunity ever arises. You can never take away a person's first movie crush, it would be cruel. So Drew Barrymore if you're reading this, I want to touch your Covergirl boobies and my wife is ok with that. Call me...

So there you have it, the way movies have helped me grow up and get boners.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Mistakes

I've been thinking about mistakes a lot today. I've made a crap load of them in my life and it's time to reflect on them.

It's always easier to point at other people and say,  "What the fuck were they thinking," than to point the finger at yourself. Seriously,  what was Drew Barrymore thinking when she married Tom Green? I'm still a bit pissed at her for that.  That and what was my boss thinking when he hired "that" bag of shit?

I could go on and on about mistakes other people make everyday, but it takes a good blog post to acknowledge my mistakes. Some of my mistakes are minor like running around the house with a jock strap on my head while my mother had a Tupperware party or pissing on an electric fence to see if it really does work. Those are easy to accept because they happened a long time ago and now they are funny. But what about the huge, life changing,  adult mistakes I've made?

I've made a quick list of my top 5 mistakes and added a little funny commentary to each one to help me not cry myself to sleep tonight.

1. Not staying in college:

Now that I'm old and my biggest fear is trying not to shit myself when I fart, I regret sleeping through classes in college and staring at the girl with giant beasts in my clad I didn't sleep. Staying in college would've helped me with my writing and possibly my career as a writer.  My English teacher told me I was a great writer and my major as an architect was wrong for me.  It was the most surprising complement I ever got in my life because I never thought about being a writer.

When I failed out of college I went in the military because I didn't want to stay around my family as a failure.  Leaving was the best thing for me. In the end it turned out to be a good mistake, but now I regret never becoming a writer and staying in college.

2. Marrying my 1st wife:

To this day I ask myself, "Duuuuuuuuuuuud WTF," and I just draw a blank. I have 3 great kids with her and she is a good person, but knowing what love is today, I never really loved her. I was just lonely. I admit,  I was a little depressed in my early 20's because I never had sex.  I could've had sex, but I was too shy. I don't think I would've ever got with my ex-wife if she wasn't such a raging slut.

As I said, I have the best kids in the world, but I made a big mistake getting with her. It's one of those badges I need to hang around my head in shame forever. A little bile wells up in my throat when I think of the things I did with her 3 times a week for 6 years.  Yup, I puked a lot little in my mouth just then.

3. Blogging:

From the start of my blogging "career"  I've had my head up my ass. I strut around thinking hits and comments don't matter,  but when I write my MASTERPIECE and nobody reads it or comments (see several masterpieces below),  I throw a fit and delete my blog. 

For the past 5 years of blogging I've had over 5 blogs. Some I started and only posted once before giving up (see www.nexusrangers.blogspot.com). I'm an emotional writer,  what can I say? Now I'm back and lack the 1000+ hits I got a day on Scary Worlds. That's a square punch to my egos balls. I guess I was hoping for a gentle juggling of them. I feel really stupid for my blogging career.

4. Gaming:

Don't get me wrong I love gaming, but most of the arguments in my house is about gaming. Not my gaming, but my kids. I get so mad at my son for putting gaming ahead of his life. As a father I do limit their game time to only weekends, but my oldest son go's balls-to-the-wall nuts over his gaming. He is compulsive at times and I always have to rein him in.

This is ally fault and my mistake for buying them all the game systems and loving games as much as they do.  I know all the arguments don't worry,  "well you could be a fanatical sports dad or hunter or masturbator... Ect"  I know,  but damn the fight for moderation in anything is hard. I just want my kids to grow up and not make the mistakes I've made. These mistakes.

5. Being lazy with my career:

So my dream job as a writer is probably never going to happen (not saying it won't, but see #1 mistake. Poor me I know), but why am I so lazy with my real career then? It's not that my job sucks I like my job, but I can't seem to ever get motivated to excel without being pushed.

There are more times than I can count I've been passed up because I lacked the training to do the next better paying job. Not because I couldn't get the training,  but because I put the training aside to be lazy and do other things like... Write blog posts about my mistakes. I really could be taking this time to study_____, but this is so much more fun.

I can look at all these as mistakes, lessons learned, glass is half full,  fuck my life, or meh I love my life the way it had turned out so far. Anyway I think about these things as mistakes or blessings in disguise, I'll always wonder... What if.

The Bears

I watched a man ripped to pieces by a bear today. I did nothing to save him. I just watched.

I decided to take the day off today to go to the zoo.  I needed a bit of time to myself and get out to breathe some fresh air. Normally I'm catering to other people in one way or another.  I go to work and help people. I come home and help my family. Day in an day out I'm serving other people, but not today, today is MY day.

As I was walking around the zoo sipping on my overpriced Dr. Pepper, I could feel the crisp air tickling my pores and massaging the tension out of my shoulders. This is exactly what I needed.  I could feel all the tension and stress blowing away with every breeze. It was great to get away for once, at least I thought it was.

My feet started to hurt a bit from walking around, so I decided to sit down on a bench near the bear enclosure. I figured bears are pretty fun to watch and they didn't move around as crazy as monkeys. Right now I just felt like resting my feet and mind; bears are perfect to watch when you want to be lazy.

When I took off one of my shoes, a couple guys sat down next to me to enjoy the bears. They started talking to me about their day at the zoo and a bit about their lives. The guy on my right was a total asshole. He was extremely smart and knew everything about bears.  Yeah,  they do shit in the woods, he saw it happen. I probably would have went my he whole life wondering, but now I know. Thanks asshole!

The guy on my left was amazingly nice. He also knew a lot about bears,  but he just didn't have the hands on experience the jerk on my right had. The nice guy was very passionate about bears and wanted to go to school to be a bear vet. The other guy wanted a bear skin rug.

A little disgusted with the asshole,  went to put my shoe back on and was about to leave when he stopped me by grabbing my arm. I quickly jerked out of his grasp and was about to storm off when he push the other guy into the bear enclosure. Horrified I stood there with my mouth open paused to scream. Nothing came out.

My mind started racing as I watched the bears start to rip the nice man apart. I could jump in and save him... I could call for help... I could SCREAM DAMNIT! I did nothing. I watched as a bear dislocated an arm from the man's body. I watched as blood gushed from his mouth as he tried to gurgle a scream. I stared as a bear dragged his intestines into the cave. I didn't flinch when blood splashed on my face. My only thought was to get out my camera so I could remember how horrible this was.

For a split second I tensed up to run to an emergency phone, but just as I did I felt the man next to me grab my arm again. His grasp almost crushed the bones it was so strong. I turned away from the man getting eaten alive to look at my captor. Even though he was laughing with joy, his eyes told me my murder was next if I moved. Scared shitless, I turned back to watch the bears eat their meal, it was less horrific than the man next to me. My stomach was on the verge of erupting, but I knew if I moved a muscle it would be my last. I just stared, swallowed, and survived.

The chewed up body laid motionless in the bear enclosure next to several bears satisfied by their surprise meal. The man next to me just stood there exhausted from laughing during the carnage. He panted excitedly holding a huge smile on his face. The bears covered in blood will be severely punished for this. The man next to me will get his bear skin rug. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life.

(This is just a story. It's a metaphor for life and the decisions we make. Even though we try to do the right thing, we're forced to do something against our morales and integrity to survive. It sucks.)

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Roleplaying a Destruction Warlock

When I woke up I was at a cathedral in a place called Northshire. Standing in the middle of the pathway confused as hell as how I got there wearing shitty clothes ( I quickly removed), I noticed a stupid looking guard waving at me. I strode up to him with my balls on the cusp of ejecting from my tighty-whities. He grabbed my shoulder in a panic and said, "kind sir, thar be dire wolves in these parts! I will pay you if you bring me their hides."

What the fuck, I thought,  but I said, "sure dude, but on 2 conditions."

"Anything kind sir, anything, " he quickly replied.

Shit! I should've demanded more, I mumbled under my breath.

Holding up my middle finger to start my counting. I promptly laid out my demands," 1. Touch me again and I'll break your finger off in your ass, " the idiot nodded in agreement," 2. I want money and something to cover my nipples. It's damn cold out here, " again he nodded like his neck was made of sheep skin wrapped around a limp dick. I guess that settled that. I was on my first quest to kill wolves.

I grabbed a stick off the ground large enough to bash a wolf's skull in, not really thinking how I was going to flay the wolf with a stick after the deed was done. Maybe, I'll just beat the wolves I kill against a tree until their guts shoot out their mouth? Na, that sounds exhausting, I debated with myself as I started to feel more and more angry about killing innocent animals.

Right when I was about to turn around and say fuck it, a wolf charged at me full speed frothing at the mouth.  In a panic I raised my hands to shield my face. That's when it happened...

A ball of mystical purple shit flew out of my fingertips striking the wolf square in the face. In a flash guts were flying everywhere spraying blood and chunks on trees, grass, other idiots like me trying to kill wolves, children, vendors... Never mind you get the point of "everywhere". I stood there with my heart wiping its left ventricle on my underwear, amazed at what just happened. I was too numb to notice the shit running down my leg, but I really didn't care at that moment. All I knew was, killing felt DAMN good!

Standing there marveling at what just happened, I didn't notice the turds dripping down my legs starting to pool up and take shape. Only when I saw hopping movement out of the corner of my eyes did I realize what was happening, my crap was alive. Truthfully, at that moment I wasn't really surprised I could push a being out my ass and not feel it.  I was kind of proud of the fact, even though it tore a gaping hole in my only pair of britches. Now I was really regretting my short list of demands.

After standing in the woods for an hour looking dumbfounded, covered in entrails, mostly naked, with an excited shit-stain blasting fireballs at anything that moved close to me, I happily collected my 10 wolf pelts. I knew from that moment on my life was going to be very interesting. I just couldn't wait to kill more. I didn't care what my next quest was; it could be 10 rats as long as I kept feeling this alive.

... To be continued... Maybe

Heavenly Yogurt, Hellish Fruit.

When I was a kid I used to spend hours staring at dust in sun rays when I wasn't licking the frost off windows.  The dust fascinated me. I would imagine the dust specs were galaxies floating around me.  When I violently swatted at the dust I felt like I was playing God to the puny beings in my universe. I was a vengeful God! I forgot about this role playing I would do until recently when I was eating yogurt.

Now that I'm an adult with 3 kids, playing God and crushing minions in my mighty grasp is an everyday thing.  Not a day goes by that I'm not ruling over my spawn.  Some days I need a break from playing God though. That is when I rest. Usually 6 days of toiling is all I have in me and I rest on the 7th day to gather more strength. On my 7th day I eat my yogurt in peace. 

Sitting in solitude with my yogurt, I take the time to reflect back on my life.  I think about the choices I've made and what choices I can make to enrich my children's lives. Isn't that what being a parent is all about, making the future a better place to live for all? Swirling my yogurt around and around helps me think. I now understand why galaxies and planets revolve.

I only eat yogurt with fruit on the bottom. To me the yogurt with fruit on the bottom is like heaven and hell. On top you have heaven and on bottom is hell. I know you've eaten fruit on the bottom yogurt and realized this. After all, fruit on the bottom was invented to help people discover heaven and hell. True fact!

I feel heaven and hell shouldn't be separate and that is where Earth comes in.  To really get an understanding of why we are placed on Earth, we have to acknowledged fruit on the bottom yogurt. It's that fine line between the fruit and yogurt that we live. It is where we decide to be good or bad. How ever you choose to live your life is your business, but be careful thrusting your way into the yogurt.

I dare not just dive straight to the bottom to eat all the sweet fruit without tasting the tart yogurt. That would be idiotic! The fruit is so sinful and will make me gag on the sweetness alone. But ignoring the fruit and just scooping a spoonful of yogurt, is bland and boring. I'll live a little and dip a little deeper into the fruit until I find where I'm comfortable. I've noticed a changed how deep I really want to dip my spoon. I need to think more about my yogurt.

As I get older and wiser, I do want more heavenly yogurt and less fruit. The sweetness of the fruit upsets my stomach and is hell on my bowels. This change wasn't an over night thing, it's been a gradual change. My taste for the wild side is diminishing and I find myself being more gentle with life.

I spend more time with my yogurt. I don't  jam my spoon in the yogurt cup, splashing the contents over the edge, impatiently mixing it to devour the contents. I'm more thoughtful of the contents. Spilling a tiny drop over the edge could off balance the whole taste of the yogurt.  I want that perfect blend that was intended for me when I bought it. Too much of one or the other can be catastrophic.

I find myself sitting at the window with my eyes closed as the sun warms my face. I don't need to look upon my dust galaxies anymore. I know in my heart everything will be fine and there is no need to play God anymore. As I sit resting with my yogurt and my kids screaming downstairs as they beat the crap out of each other, everything is going to turn out great in the end.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The White, Heterosexual, Gay, African-American

John Scalzi said it way better than I ever could, white straight men have it extremely easy.  I know,  I'm a white,  straight man. The only barrier I have is my genetics.  When I see white men using racial or sexual slurs it makes me want to beat the shit out of their parents.

This all came about because I ran 12 raids in Looking For Raid (LFR) in WoW this weekend.  I'm sure you've added 2 &  2 and got dipshit, white guy.  Granted, 99% of my LFR groups went flawless with minimal altercations, but it was that 1% that prompted me to write this post. It's that 1% that can turn the white straight male privilege into a burden. A burden that will be harder and take longer to rectify than a skin color, gender, or sexual preference because our burden will be self inflicted and not a genetic trait we can't help.

Us white guys,  can't understand the pain and suffering it takes to dig our way out of the hate trenches.  Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day. It's a day to celebrate what he did for everybody not just the African-Americans. He gave his life because he chose to stand up for doing the right thing no matter what.  You think he didn't get 100's of death threats a day? He still woke up every morning to fight against hate until the day he died by the hands of a straight, white man.

Today we have a huge flux of gay rights in the media.  We don't have more gay people,  we just have more people that are fed up with being oppressed. Everybody has a breaking point where they can't stand being pushed in the closet anymore.  Sooner or later people are going to start pointing more and more fingers at the white, straight male and our burden will grow more.  Just like the gay,  race,  or sex burden we throw on ourselves by telling someone they are a "fag", "pussy", or "nigger". It's nobody's fault but our own.

Playing a relaxing game there is no need to type or say any disparaging terms. We all know most WoW players are a bunch of spoiled, white males. That's right,  SPOILED! If you're on the Internet playing video games,  you're spoiled.  You have a house, computer, Internet, and a video game you can dedicate your free time to.  I'm sorry,  but that's spoiled. I'm spoiled,  but I know it and I don't flaunt it.

This fearful group of white "kids"  takes their time during your leisure time to elegantly type in chat,  "you're a bunch of stupid niggers!"  They just added one more brick to our shoulders. Thank you,  you selfish, spoiled,  little shit.  They are and will always be a waste of space.  If they can't understand that hate in those words and their stupid, ass parents never taught them what they mean,  their whole family is doomed for years to come to slowly slip into what they fear most, a poor minority.

Nothing moves my fingers to the "Report"  button faster than hateful slurs.  That person is consciously choosing to degrade another person and in the act, they are making me look stupid too.  Just like this post of a topic that's been regurgitated over and over,  life will go full circle if we don't stop the hate.  One day, the straight, white male will be spit on and told to go to the back of the bus if we continue hating on others for their choices that make them happy.

I'm sure none of those douchebags will ever read this and the people that do are in the same mind as me.  We should accept each person as who they are and how they treat us.

A gay man is not contagious and he won't try to have sex with any straight white male. Men that think this only fear they will be treated the same way they treat women, like a sex object not a person. A black man isn't going to rob a straight, white male. A woman isn't a feminist lesbian that is trying suppress the straight, white male. People just want to be treated good so they can live their lives happy. They want it as easy as the straight,  white man and the only person that fears this equality is the straight,  white male.  There is nothing to fear, there is room for everybody to be happy at the top. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

WoW in Elder Scrolls Online Beta

I woke up this morning and somebody pissed in my Elder Scrolls Online Beta test. 

If you don't see a mention of WoW in an MMO beta these days,  the beta you're in is not an MMO or the game sucks.  WoW is and always be the benchmark for MMOs for years to come. If you can't handle that,  maybe you need a new hobby.

I understand everybody is different and if they choose not to turn off chat during a beta,  they better be willing to deal with WoW chat. I'm surprised an MMO hasn't made a WoW chat channel just for beta.  The companies are quick to poke at WoW during their advertising,  but they can't poke fun at themselves enough to dedicate a channel to the MMO God? Wimps!

Ok, there is no WoW channel and you're too stubborn or stupid to turn off all the general/zone chats.  I feel for you (no I don't. I'm just saying this so you keep coming back to my blog. In reality I'm better than you and I know it). Because I'm a really sweet guy and you can lick me like a lollipop,  I'll help you reign in your WoW rage,  troll bait hook,  OCD, pet peeve,  or whatever drives you to respond to WoW comparisons in betas like TESO.

Because TESO beta test is today,  I'll benefit from it by singling it out in this post,  but this advice goes for all MMO betas.  I'm sure Wildstar has its fair share of limp WoW dicks being slapped around in their chat too. Today,  TESO is highlighted for the sole fact that it will drive traffic to my blog. Call me an attention whore or WoW fanboy, but in the end I'm just like that dude in TESO general chat pissing you off because you know I'm right in thinking you're WoW's bitch forever.  You like it when I slap your ass *SMACK* YAY BABY!

Good,  you're now horny for my advice.

1. If you decide to stand toe to toe with a WoWite, you better expect to get your ass thrashed. You need to go into the fight prepared to lose and look like a total moron to everybody in the channel. You've been warned.

2.  Never insult the WoWite. They are smarter than you and they've had 9 Years perfecting their insults to make you feel pathetic for even talking to them.

3. Act like their friend.  Say things like,  "holy crap dude my weed is sooo losing it's kick!" or "I'm sorry my wife bent my dick doing Reverse Cowgirl last night and I'm a little bent out of shape... Sorry!"

4. Insult the stupid guy in the advice channel to draw attention away from yourself.

5. Talk about sports. 

6. Log off and cry because you wish WoW would die in the fires of Hell and stop ruining your precious beta tests. Poor baby,  you need your diapee changed?

7. Kick your chair out from under yourself in a rage.  The chair flies back slamming into the wall putting a hole in it that will cost $125 to repair. If that's not bad enough, you killed your cat when the chair smashed his head in. Good job you ended a life because of WoW.

8. Meditate in the locus (you heard me not the Lotus position) position.  Like all swarms of death and destruction,  you need a quiet time to gather your thoughts before you bring the plague.

9. Make love to your spouse angrily. Trust me,  they'll enjoy it as long as you don't scream Thrall's name when you climax.

10. Act like an innocent woman and start flirting with the WoWite. This advice will only end with them feeling really dirty. They'll be the one needing a diapee change.

As always,  my advice is solid! Now you can go into the TESO beta with confidence. If you feel like you're about to snap,  just pull up my blog and say my name 3 times to set me free. 

Until I need more hits from Wildstar beta,  this is Scarybooster signing off!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

I Remember

Something horrible happened this morning and I feel numb to it. There was a death.

Through our lives we build memories and have billions of experiences.  The experiences that have the largest impacts on our lives become lasting memories.  We take those memories and experiences to morph into the adults we are or become.  These things compounded together make humans all special and unique. I reflected on my life when I heard what happened and I judged who I am.

I think back in my life and try to visualize those moments that made me who I am today.  The largest things that stands out have rushes of emotions attached to them. Even today I can pull on those emotions to build on my life experiences. Good or bad I am who I am and I'm glad for ever experience I've had.

I remember...

... the first fight I lost.  I got in a lot of fights,  but this was the only one I lost and it was my last fight until I was an adult. I let my guard down and got hit in the temple so hard the world went black and I pissed myself.  I remember the pain and embarrassment.

I remember...

... the day I found out my grandfather was brain dead from an accident.  Seeing those tubes in his neck and watch hang machines breath for him for over a year is something I will never forget. At 11 years old I faced mortality for the first time.

I remember...

... every single one of my kids being born.  Trust me,  it's not pretty to watch,  but it was beautiful. To see them breathe for the first time and to feel their breath on my cheek as I held them,  was the first time I  cared for the mortality of another person.

I remember...

... the day I found out I was a failure.  My wife called to tell me she wanted a divorce.  My mind went blank and I knew, This is what failing really is.  To fail my family was something I never thought of possible.

I remember...

... when I met me current wife.  I knew then that sometimes failing doesn't mean I'm a failure.  I might fail again,  but I'm willing to take that chance. I never know when something great will happen.

From knowing pain,  death, life,  disappointment,  and love I've had a great life.  I might not be as awed by experience,  but I look forward to what tomorrow will bring.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Are You a Better Blogger Than a 4th Grader?

My youngest son is in 4th grade and he has a national writing test coming up at the end of the month.  His school is preparing for it by doing several writing assignments. The great thing is, they're teaching the kids how to structure stories creatively.  The bad thing is, they're pushing the kids to write to the test and limit the creativity to what the test is. 

Some kids, like my son, are stressed a bit because they are super creative writers by heart and this test killing their creativity with strict structure. These NESA (I have no idea what it stands for.  National Educational Sucks Assessments?) tests are built to see where America stands in the fight against stupidness, but constricting free will of a teacher makes the students suffer creatively. My son gets so excited to show his creative side and when he finds out he has to drum up a boring paper,  he get noticeably upset.

After hours of discussing the possibilities of things my son could write,  it was a let down to both of us when he had to stick to the checklist.  It made me think of how I blog and how other bloggers blog.  I went down the checklist and discovered blogging wasn't about being creative,  it was about filling in tick boxes on a checklist to get readers.  What happened to the good old days of creative blogging? Why do most bloggers feel the need to be so dry just to act like journalists? Has blogging become a NESA test to gain approval? I hope not or we're all doomed to become extinct to social media outlets that drive regurgitated memes down our that's until we throw up bile.  Then we give up...

As you all know or don't know because you are a new reader, I've been a blogger for a long time. Over the years I've changed my blog address like a babies diaper. I get so emotionally involved in my writing I get pissed off at how lazy most bloggers are with their writing.  I know, I shouldn't and what others do is their prerogative, but dangnabit,  blogging should be about the writing and the interactions. Blogging is losing its foundation and it's pushing the real writers away and the audience to Facebook or Google Plus. I want to do my part to bring blogging back.

Fortunately for all my blogger buddies, I stole my son's checklist to help us be more dynamic bloggers.  Here are 5 things we all should be doing in our blog posts:

1. Catchy Lead:

What that means is: the first paragraph should POP! You should feel like a fisherman thing to reel in Moby Dick. You need to get your best whaling boats on to help grip the poop deck so you can hold on with dear life as the big Dick thrashes around.  Your reader is deciding if they want to read the rest or swim away to another post.  You want that first paragraph to grab them in the cheek so hard they bleed with excitement.

After you've hooked them with the Catchy Lead,  you can beat their brains in with a small hammer on the deck. As they lie there bleeding out their ears and mouth,  you can slowly flay them spilling their guts out through the rest of your post.  Just when you think they're truly dead,  they start convulsing away from your post back to the open sea.  QUICK, get the hatchet out of the tackle box and lop their head off with an exciting transition.

2. Transitions:

Some call them seagways,  but in the 4th grade we call them transitions.  I know I'm guilty of getting bored with a paragraph and for no reason starting another one. The transition keep the whole post linked together nicely.  I have a hard time remembering to do transitions. I get so distracted by myself.

I'll be strolling down a post minding my own business,  when a man jumps out of a dark ally flashing me his hotdog. Next thing I know,  I'm now walking down a different street with 2 hotdogs with chilli and cheese.  Oh man,  I could really go for a nice hot weiner smothered in chilli and cheese.  It just makes my mouth water. My taste buds are *DRIP*... 

3. Onomatopoeia:

Ok,  This one shouldn't be used too much,  but it's nice once and awhile to throw one or two in a post to keep your reader on their toes.  I'm not saying you should write like 1960's Batman fight scene, but adding a little *POW* right in the kisser,  to a post couldn't hurt. I'll give you a quick example for a gaming post:

Last night I was raiding the Tome of King Something Nuts and my epic ring dropped *chaaaaching*! I nearly crapped my pants *plop*. I screamed so loud my wife got scared and slapped me in the back of the head *CRACK*.  I was like,  crying *sob*, so she kissed my boo-boo *slobber*.  I knew then we were getting a divorce.

That was over doing it,  but it helps you get the point.  I'd say one onomatopoeia every once and awhile is fun to have. It adds *pizzazz* to an otherwise azz post. There is something about spicing up a post with little changes that makes you engaged in the story itself.  You can almost see the story take shape.  Like a fat man leaving the gym drenched in musty,  hot sweat.  You can feel his body heat pressing against you from 10 feet away and the smell threatens to excavate your lunch from deep in the put of your stomach... *wrech*!

4. Senses, Adjectives, and Show Not Tell:

Oh so many blog posts that, blah blah blah with their monotone, narrative posts.  Where the hell are your adjectives?  Is your mind as dull as your posts? Wake up and smell the morning breath! Just because you're trying to persuade readers into seeing your point of view,  you don't have to write like you're a rotting corpse.  Tell me how rancid you smell.  Add some color to your bloated posts. 

The key to really getting your readers involved in what you have to say is in your 5 senses and showing people what you see.  Don't just write words on the Internet,  slap them up with pride and feel the words reverberate into your computer. let those passionate words pierce your readers in their eyes.  You want their hot, red blood bursting out of their pupils squirting all over their crumb infested keyboards. I know,  this type of writing might make some of your readers go into shock and sloppily, moisten their cotton undies with fresh nuggets of excitement. In the end your reader will be begging for more or a used air sickness bag.

5. Ending Formula:

The end is just about as important as your Catchy Lead. You want to wrap up everything you said nicely so your readers come back. Even if you switch blog URLs as much as I do.

The ending I hate most on blogs is TL:DR. To me that means: sorry my content lacks a catchy lead, good transitions, onomatopoeias, and adjectives. Instead of adding flavor and pride to my post, I'm going to end this by impaling myself on a samurai sword. Sorry TL:D... *gurgle*

Might as well not write the post at all and go on Twitter. 

The ending to a post is like watching two lovers kiss naked or a little girl watching her whole family get blown up,  then the credits roll at the end of the movie.  You either sit their wiping your tears away thinking, what the Hell or man, THAT'S just blew me away! You can make or break a post with the end. What if I wrote all this and just ended right now...

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Ode to Mr. Smith and Pandas

Without going into detail and being really confusing,  I'll tell you about something so you understand nothing. I'd like to talk to everybody,  but I'll group you all together as one being. I will call you Mr.  Smith. Now that I've established who you are,  let's learn about pandas.

Yesterday a 90 year old man was discovered living among pandas on a mysterious Island off the coast of another land.  Keep in mind,  there is a lot of water around this area.  The man looked young for his age and the team of archeologists that found him started a rumor he might be some kind of magic man or a Warlock of sorts.  I'm not sure why they didn't think he was a medicine man or voodoologist, but that's not the point of all this. Keep reading Mr. Smith because it gets weirder.

For shits and giggles I'll call the new island, the Timeless Isle or TI for short.  Sounds pretty badass doesn't it?  At first TI seemed like any other undiscovered island surrounded by deadly marine life, but when the team met Panda Man, they learned life wasn't so normal on TI.

When they found this "Warlock "  he was fishing in a pond with his panda family.  Ok that is a little odd, but when you put Asian robes and wicker hats on the pandas, shit was so crazy the archeologists thought they were hallucinating from the drugs they did on the boat ride there.  THEY WEREN'T! I'm not pulling your third leg.  This is not a fabricated story or video game.  This IS real life! Go ahead Mr. Smith Google, "Team discovers pandas wearing clothes fostering 90 year old man that can shoot fire out of his fingertips like a Warlock."  go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back flabbergasted.

Welcome back Mr. Smith.  What did you find? Yeah,  cool... Hmm interesting... Blah blah shut the fuck up so I can finish my story!

Anyways,  I'll get back to my story.

I guess I let the juiciness out of the bag up in the last real paragraph.  You heard me right,  the old fart could shoot fire out of his fingers. Even after 3 pounds of Magic Mushrooms you can't make this crap up. Unfortunately,  some of this had to be glorified because the whole team of archeologists were found burnt alive off some random coast. Sad as it was, we learned a lot from this.  When I say we, I mean you Mr. Smith.

I'll recap what you learned:

1. Pandas are endangered

2. The Red Panda is commonly confused with wombats even though they do not live together in the same house. Also, wombats can not be trained in combat, but pandas can.

3. Drugs are bad

4. This post is NOT about video games or ponies.

5. I got so mad last night I logged out of the island because a giant dragon kept killing me. 

6. Old men look weird naked

7. At the age of 40 you should get a deep cleaning of your teeth to help prevent root canals and various forms of gum disease. It hurts like hell the day after and you taste blood while you sleep.  Medicine like a swift kick to the balls will help alleviate the pain in your mouth.

8. There is a point to this post,  but I have no idea what it is. Maybe Mr. Smith knows?

So there you have it! Have a great day!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Wildstar WILL Fail!

Right now I have 26 friends that are in the Wildstar beta and all hate it.  Without breaking frieNDA I'll vaguely explain why Wildstar will fail.

1. WoW Clone to the Glutinous Maximum:

From the art style to the old-school raids,  Wildstar has ripped pages out of the vanilla WoW book. Why would anybody invest their time in a new game when WoW is perfect? I've went over it in my head for minutes and I can't figure out why anybody would stop playing WoW for any reason. 

You have everything you could ever want in an MMO in WoW.  You have:

A.  A great community

B.  A perfectly balanced game

C.  Millions of people to play with

D.  Quests that make you think

E.  Epic mounts and pets you can pay cash for

F.  Up-to-date graphics

M.  No bugs or exploits

U.  Dynamic combat

2. Their ideas are muddled and stupid.

They have these weird ideas that they think are funny, but they're not.  I find myself watching their Dev Speak laughing to myself.  When I laugh I should be doing it loud and in somebody's face,  not alone in my house eating a whole bag of chips and washing it down with booze. Those videos make me sad on the inside.  I feel like I'm being left out of the joke and everybody hates me.  Never mind,  you don't understand my pain.

4. There is already a WoW we don't need another one.

Many games have tried to emulate WoW and all have failed.  What makes people think they can compete with WoW?  They can't! They should just give up.  WoW reminds me of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. At the end of the movie we know the Wilde Stallions is the band that will bring world peace.  We know WoW is just that,  but a game.  We just need to accept it as our savior.

Obviously you can see why it would be a waste to play Wildstar.  I just scratched the surface with that list.  Not to mention you have to pay $15 a month for Wildstar!  That's just ludicrous!

I'll break it down easy for all the deaf fanboys.

You go to the grocery store to pick up some eggs,  milk,  sausage,  bacon,  and salsa to make a spicy breakfast burrito. You pay and you're about to get in your luxury car to go home to your model wife, when a fat chick on a scooter slaps your nuts and drags you on the back of her scooter. She then drives crazy spilling all your groceries in the street.  Holding on for dear life you latch on to what you think is her boobies,  but it turns out to be 2 McDonald's Happy Meals stashed in her bra. She comes to a jerking stop at a chapel with a banner over the door with your name on it and what you assume is her name.  She clubs you over the head and the next thing you know you're married to her. 

That, my friend, is Wildstar!

The moral to the story is:

You had everything you ever wanted with WoW and you go and screw it up by messing around with Wildstar (man I almost typed Warhammer Online). Just think next time you go last minute shopping for a new game. You could end up in the corner crying yourself to sleep eating an all beef patty with secret sauce. 

Mark my words... Wildstar will fail! I gave you all the evidence you'll ever need.  Now go forth and log back into WoW and forget about Wildstar.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Room

It all started Sunday when I woke up with a horrible pain in my neck and back. It almost felt like whiplash if I could whiplash my whole left side. I knew I slept wrong and I was hoping the pain would go away in due time,  but it is still with me.  Today I went to the doctor because the pain has become unbearable.  That is where I discovered The Room.

The nurse showed me to my waiting room after I filled out a bible of medical papers. I sat down on the cushioned table covered in hard tissue paper. The paper always makes me want to grab it and unspool  it. I'm sure there is a hidden trap door somewhere filled with the paper, so if I did unravel it it would fill the room to the ceiling killing me with a thousand paper cuts. The Chinese would be proud their boobie-trap worked as planed.

After the nurse took my temperature (not in my anus),  blood pressure,  and pinched my nipples through my shirt,  she licked my eyebrows seductively as she said,  "Take off your shirt because I'm going to fuck you like a dirty the man-whore you are!"

Well, she didn't say that or do any of those sexual things,  but I know she wanted to.  Right men? All women and gay men think about when they see a heterosexual male is having hot sex with them? Na, we're just paranoid because we want sex with everything.  Hey a fire hydrant.. SEX!  Hey there is a 90 year old lady walking her dog... Ya threesome! Oh Snickers how you DO satisfy me.

My life changed as the nurse left the room only asking me to take my shirt off and not pursuing a nibble of my dangling earlobes.  As I sat in the cold room waiting for the doctor, I noticed a few things:

1. My nipples where very perky.

2. The paper my ass was on reflected my forceful farts like I was sitting on a marble counter top in a kitchen.  I noted I would be having sex on that counter with a line of women out the door as I farted gracefully.

3. The room had a floor, 4 walls, a ceiling, a door,  a medical needle waste bin I could smash open and stab myself to death if the moment arose, an eye examiner I could use as a weapon if I was getting robbed,  a table to harvest my organs,  a lone chair that could be used in the WWE, and a sterile sink I could piss in if I needed to mark my territory.

4. Most of all,  the room was empty of life besides myself.

The last thing got me thinking about my life and what it all meant to me.  How the room I was stuck in was actually my mind.  My mind was an empty room just waiting for some sort of stimulus to entertain it or save it from collapsing onto itself. The shear thought of thinking all this made me think of nothing,  but everything all at once.  If this was enlightenment,  the world is doomed.

I heard voices outside of my mind joking and talking to other people. This all was really outside of the real room,  but I was improving. They weren't talking to me though, they were talking to a distant god. My mind's door was closed and it was too terrifying to open that door and let anybody in even if it was someone that only was there to help me. It was my magical door of the damned.

It is best to keep the door closed.

The silence started eating at me. I looked down and only saw darkness.  I look up and the same darkness descended upon me.  The walls started getting closer and closer.  The chair was gone and so was the sink to poop in.  I better stop farting or I might end up shitting my pants.  The shit in the silence was coming for me.

I'm alone and I need to open the door.

I started using a meditation technique to sooth my mind.  It didn't work.  I tried to envision something happy like ponies or kittens, but the emptiness only grew.  I was all alone and I couldn't get the cover open on the used needle bin.  I was going to die and it wasn't going to be pretty. I would've curled up in a ball to hide from it all,  but the pain in my left side prevented me from being a whinny-ass bitch.  I had to take death standing up or sitting on tissue paper.

Just when I accepted my fate,  the doctor came in the magical door.  I saw rainbows,  deer,  and white bunnies with blue eyes behind him. I knew then I wasn't alone and everything was going to be ok today.  I wasn't going to die or choke somebody with a blood pressure cuff.  I was saved.

Colorado is now selling recreational marijuana.