As a mobile blogger for over 5 years now, I get a lot of stupid questions about how I do it. Just yesterday when I was at Starbucks getting a coffee a man writing his novel stopped me and said, " Dude, you're Scarybooster right?"
This type of thing happens to me all the time so I wasn't shocked by his starstruck behavior. I simply replied before I threw my coffee in his face, "but of course."
Excitedly with his eyes blistering up from the boiling brew he screamed, " do you have any Grey Poupon?"
"But of course, " and I preceded to box his man-breasts.
A week prior to me being locked up in the county jail for assaulting that man, I was at the Grammy's when Drew Barrymore stopped me to ask for tips on mobile blogging." Scarybooster, Scarybooster, " she yelled frantically as we had sex in the back of her car!
You see, people want to know how I do this. They need to know what makes me post day in and day out on a phone. You're in luck! I've come up with 10 tips that don't require condoms, for mobile blogging. Of course mobile blogging is always subject to rule changes, so never expect 10 tips. Don't worry, you'll learn that tip later, maybe.
Obviously, I've said more than enough setting up this blog post. It's time to get to the meat (Drew likes it when I talk about meat) of this post.
1. Get a Phone:
The key to successful mobile blogging is to have a phone. Not only should you have a phone, but you should have the most expensive phone on the market. Don't worry about the cost and monthly fees, that'll be taken care of when you start making money.
Once you have you're ridiculously expensive phone, you should test it's durability and waterproofing by dropping it and pissing on it. If it still works after that, you're ready to season your phone for writing.
Phone seasoning is a week long process of getting to know your phone and learning how to type on it efficiently. Here's how I season my phone for success:
A. I put my phone in "The Cradle" for 3 days. The Cradle is when you place your micro USB port gently against your balls (if you don't have balls you will need to have a surrogate seasoner) with the phone face up in your taint. The phone receiver should be overlooking your sphincter.
B. After the 3 days are up you should bring your phone back to your contract carrier's local store. Tell the sales person your phone is very staticy when people are trying to talk to you. Then, insist they listen on your phone while you try to talk to them on another phone. If your phone checks out good, it is now seasoned for writing.
C. Wait 4 more days for your to ferment.
2. Mobile Blogging app:
This by far, is your meat... Hold on a second.
"Now Drew, I told you I'm writing a serious blog post to help other people. You can't always jump on me when I say MEAT. I promise later we'll do a lot of marinating and I'll do that thing with my hips as I stir the pot. "
... As I was saying, the blogging app is your meat and potatoes for mobile blogging. You'll need to research the best app with the least amount of problems before you start. Because I use Blogger as my platform, I chose to ignore this rule and get their app. So far it's been great. I've lost about 3 posts a week and I can't post pictures or the app crashes and deletes all my content. Some times when I'm not even using it I get a pop-up that tells me the app crashed for the fuck of it. With any luck I'll get to write this post only 5 more times.
You see, it is extremely important to get the best app you can. When I used WordPress I had similar results from their app. I think it's always best to get the company's app because you know you'll get a quality product every time.
6. Writing:
Writing on a phone is a pain in the ass. I feel rewarded every time I start writing. I quickly learned to ignore quality over quantity. The point of mobile blogging is to bang out as much nonsense as fast as possible. You can't think about what you're writing, you just need to do it.
With every great blog post comes structure and style. Here is how I write a phenomenal post on my phone:
A. Editing- I don't do it at all. It's a waste of my time. Sure I make mistakes, but that only brings all the grammar Native-Gremans to my blog. The more hits I get, the more money I get. Not only that, I can bang out a shitty post in about an hour with a thousand words.
B. Topic structure - I'm not sure what this means or has to do with a good post. Frankly, it sounds stupid to me. Who the hell has time to stay on topic? Just let your mind wander has your hand touches Drew 's moist spots... Mmmm, that's nice.
Funny story, I forgot to tell you yesterday and I really can't think of it now, but it was funny, trust me.
C. Commas- use them all the time. If you pause to think, throw a comma in. If you feel dramatic, throw a comma in. When in doubt, comma. A comma makes you look smarter all the time, every time. Even end a sentence with a comma,
D. Wrap it before you tap it- because you can't go back and edit your post, you'll need to think of a way to wrap up your post before it gets out of hand. You can't just ramble on forever and expect people to understand what you're writing or thinking. I always end by making my readers feel bad. If they feel stupid in the end, they won't question any part of your post. They'll just accept they're too fucking dumb to comprehend your point. Fucking idiots!
E. Never look back and never promise exactly what you think you wanted to say. Don't ever tell your readers you have a point or you're going to give them a specific number of things. Sooner or later you'll fail. What happens if you want to write 10 tips in a blog post and you only can think of 5? You're screwed because you can't go back and change your post. You now look like an idiot for thinking you have 10 important things to say and you don't. What happens if you forget what you're talking about and you go off on a tangent that requires letter points and not number points? Obviously, you just showed the world you're incompetent.
4. Publish:
The hardest part about mobile blogging is publishing a post. Without the tools you get from a real computer like a keyboard, back button, middle mouse button, and several monitors to research topics that are hot, you can't be the best. Luckily for you, I'm telling you this so you know you'll always suck compared to me. Just publish your stupid post and I promise I'll never read it.
10. Humor:
You need to remember to always have a smile on the outside while you're crying on the inside. Your phone might smell like shit. Your app will crash on you several times when you're writing your masterpiece. The structure, content, grammar, and topics you write will be inconsistent and total shit. Publishing a post is worse than pissing out a kidney stone, but If you swallow your tears like Drew does sperm, you'll be able to laugh your way to the bank. Take it from me, mobile blogging is a hellish nightmare you should do everyday of your life until you're blessed enough to die in a horrific plane crash.
I hope you learned a lot from my mobile blogging tips you fucking moron. Good luck trying to outdo me!
