Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Lizard Squad Hackers Could Face Death Penalty

Last night I watched Dredd, Robocop, and The Amazing Animal Planet all at the same time. It got me thinking (pause for audience to realize that will never happen) about a future with Lizard people and strict justice. I fear a squad of elite lizard hackers would be sentenced to death if they were caught. As funny as it seems, cutting the heads off lizards is cruel. You can chop their tails off, but luckily it will grow back, not their heads. Why would you even cut a lizard head off? What kind of sick bastard are you? Let me tell you a story about my childhood...

When I was a new teenager around 11 or 15, I was confronted by a machine with human skin on. Years earlier I told the cops my mother was nuts because she said she had sex with Marty McFly. Marty was from the past,  but the future of the past future. He warned her of the coming apocalypse. Then he tried to have sex with his own mother. It's very confusing, but bear with me on the rug of imagination.

This man told me he was a Timecop and he could stretch his legs flat out on moving vehicles. Only his nut sack held his legs from ripping in two. He sat me down and adjusted his droopy balls out of the way so he didn't crush them and said to me,  "Son, V has come.  Not V as in vendetta, but V as in lizard people gonna take over your vagina or vasectomy."

I just stared at him for hours wondering which one I had. I was dumbfounded and perplexed at the idea of having a vagina with a vasectomy. It all sounded interesting. Unfortunately, his plan wasn't to try it with me. First, he wanted to remove the skin from his arm and yell, "Number 5 is alive!"

I was getting a little antsy and felt number 2 coming to life.  I needed to know who he worked for and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop, 1...2...3...flush!

In the news paper I read while taking a break I noticed the rise in lizard people sightings. I knew then we were all doomed if The Amazing Spiderman couldn't win the fight. Sadly in the second movie his girlfriend dies and he gets snot all over the inside of his mask. I wonder how often he washes that? I know he's superhuman, but everyday he must get spit condensation on on the inside of it. It's kind of gross.

Anyways, I talked to John at lengths last night at the airport. He told me about last Christmas and yelled, "Yippee Ki Yay motherfucker" several times in my ears. I don't think anybody told him about the lizard problems in his pool at home yet. When he gets home and notices Gizmo got out and fell in, he's going to be pissed.

The movie Hackers was stupid!

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