Wednesday, February 26, 2014

White Guy Jailed for Being Fanboy

Yesterday a man described as a white male, with manly features, standing about this tall, was jailed on suspicion of being a serial fanboy. The police had this to say about the suspect,

"He is white. We've been closely monitoring his online activity for several months now. We have proof he has been overly excited about several other games in the past. Investors are searching his blog posts for buried information as we speak. "

Earlier today a reporter interviewed his wife and this is what she had to say,

" He's white. I was shocked at first, but when I replaced the light bulbs in the bedroom I noticed it right away. I tried not to show my fear, but when he got on the computer late at night and started blogging about video games, I got terrified. I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police. "

After further investigation the police discovered he was fired from his job at the local video game store. His ex-supervisor went on record,

" We knew he was white. We're an equal opportunity employer and frankly, mostly white guys apply where we work. We had to let him go because the customers were complaining he was too excited about  - censored-. We just can't condone that type of behavior. "

The evidence keeps piling up. Investigators have discovered:

1. Hard drives filled with numerous fan site templates.

2. Thousands of screenshots from betas.

3. Cookies from gaming websites exceeding porn cookies 10 fold

4. Schematics on how to build cosplay outfits.

5. Comments on other blogs arguing why his game is better than anything ever.

6. Posts on gaming forums attacking anybody that criticized his game.

7. Several social media accounts made with "fanboyish"  names.

8. Tanning lotion

9. YouTube "First Impressions"  videos liked and favored.

10. Overly aggressive towards casual gamers.

The mayor expressed his deepest sympathy towards any of the victims that came in contact with the accused. In a press conference live moments ago he said,

"This is just plain disgusting! I'm saddened by this tragedy and I will be contacting the president for disaster relief. As a community we need to learn the signs of fanboyism before this type of damage is done to our citizens again. I only can go home tonight an hold my family tight and hope they never see this again in their lifetime. "

As the news breaks we will keep you informed. This is indeed a dark day in our history. We can only hope there is a speedy trial and he is put to death before he can write a book in prison.

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