Over at Aggronaut.com Belghast is writing a little fact about himself everyday in February. I think this is an awesome idea and I've been reading every factoid he writes about himself. Honestly, sometimes I skip the gaming portion just to get to the facts. Because I like it so much, I wanted to write one myself. Unfortunately, my life isn't as exciting as his so I can only come up with one post. This is about the day I almost drank bacon flavored piss.
BEFORE THE PISS
Growing up in the woods of New Hampshire we used to get pretty bored. Frankly, our lives were pretty boring. For fun we would do things like lick cow salt licks and try to keep the baby cows from swallowing our hands as they tried to suckle. It was boring. So boring, my friend studied they way chicken asses flexed when you blew on them. I have no idea what he was thinking, but he did just get done smoking oregano or parsley. I can never remember which one he liked to pretend was pot.
Like any country bumpkin, we built tree forts on the woods to hang pictures of naked women up on the walls like wallpaper. That's when I learned breasts could block the wind and keep me warm at night. Our forts were grand and a sanctuary away from our parents. It was the closest to living on our own at the ripe old age of 12.
It wasn't uncommon to sleep in our tree forts for several days. We would grab supplies from our houses throughout the days, but generally we would stick to the mountains with the wildlife. Like all the smart kids, beans and bacon was always on the menu. Good thing we built forts high off the ground because bears like bacon too.
The problem with the delicious bacon and bears, is the fear of getting mauled at night while you're trying to take a piss. Normally, we would just peel back one of our naked pictures and hang our dongs out, but sometimes it was just easier to piss in a flask. That's where my story starts.
There were 3 of us and we each built our own floor to sleep on. Unfortunately, I got the middle floor. I had to make sure I didn't sleep under my friends peeing hole. The floors and roof were subjective to leaks.
One night my chicken ass blowing friend had a rough night with his bladder. Unknown to me, he grabbed my drinking flask to relieve himself. Instead of telling me, he put the flask back where I kept it and slept the rest of the night like a baby.
The next morning I had to poop really bad after breakfast so I went to my house. Peeing in the woods is fine and dandy, but pooping is just gross. I don't know how bears do it. When I got back I decided to go read my walls on my floor of the fort.
Feeling a bit parched from running to my house and back, I needed a drink. I grabbed my flask, cracked the lid, and was about to swig it when in noticed a piece of half chewed bacon in it. A bit pissed there was bacon in my favorite drink container, I started yelling at my friends.
Well, Chicken-ass sniffer started laughing uncontrollably. I knew then he was up to something and he didn't have to be blowing on my ass to know it. That and he was all out of banana peels to smoke. Definitely, he was up to no good.
Being the hillbilly I was, I poured the bacon "water" on his head. He stopped laughing... Obviously, he got pissed off really quick. Normally, he is prepared to fight anybody at the drop of a hat, that day was the first time I saw him cry and run home. I didn't realize what happened until later when I picked up the flask and smelt the pungent oder. Yeah, that was bacon flavored piss I poured all over him. I'm just glad I didn't drink that.