I've been with my wife for 7 Valentine's Days so far, but this is a very special one because it is our first one as a married couple. I need to step up my game and get her the most spectacular gift. After 6 years of constantly out doing myself I fear this year is going to be a lot down to her. I don't want that to happen so I'm going to throw some ideas your way and I hope you can help me out this year.
My wife loves popcorn. I was thinking about getting her some for Valentine's Day, but that sounds really boring. Then I thought, "it's not really the boring popcorn she wants, it's the whole surprise of the popcorn and how I package it." So here is my idea:
I can make a bunch of Jiffy Pop and throw it in a box. Then I can cut a hole in that box. Next, I'll put my dick in the box... Wait the Jiffy Pop has a caution-
CAUTION: Contents are hot! Allow popcorn to cool down for approximately 5 minutes before eating or topping your dick with it. Also, do not drizzle hot butter on the popcorn if your dick is in the same container as the box. Immediately seek medical attention if you're too stupid to burn your junk with our product.
Well shit! There goes that idea unless I use cold popcorn with 1/2 the salt. Full salt always irritates my balls.
Nothing says, "I Love you" like a new outfit I can rip off her and start having sweaty sex. What woman doesn't enjoy a new outfit? Seriously, if you could see my wife now and envision her in lingerie, you'd probably be rubbing your crotch with excitement while you read this. It's ok, I'm rubbing my crotch right now too. We can all rub our crotches together. Up, down, up, down... Your out if sync try again. Up, down, up, and I'm spent!
Man, that was fun but I'm a bit creeped out now. I'm not sure if I should break the ice with idle chat or cuddle my phone awkwardly. You should just continue reading and ignore the fact we just buffed our wood.
I know what you're thinking, "Oh man he's about to talk about putting diapers on his wife and spanking her bummy."
No I'm not talking about that even though it did cross my mind. I'm talking about giving her a coupon for a full day's pampering by me. Here are the details in the coupon:
A. I'll get up early in the morning and make her breakfast. I'll warm her grapefruit to the perfect temperature and stick my dick in it. Just to make sure it's not too hot or too cold. Then, I'll attach a spatula to my dick and make her scrambled eggs.
B. After breakfast I'd lather her up with baby oil and massage her whole body with just my dick. From head to toe I'd run my dick all over if she liked it our not.
C. Of course after a good dick massage she is going to need a good sponge bath. Instead of a sponge I would lather up my dick and scrub her clean. I'd put shampoo on my balls and give her a deep cleaning all over her hair. I might even drag my ass around to get in really deep.
D. To finish off the night we'd watch a movie while she pulled on my dick. I'm telling you, this sounds like the best option yet.
4. CHOCOLATES & FLOWERS
I know, this is a very boring thing everybody does with their loved one for Valentine’s Day. I figure, if this is a tradition that is proven to get guys laid, why not go with the old standby? Yeah the flowers are expensive, die within a day, and the chocolates make you fat, but it's proven to depress the woman so much they feel the need to have sex with their man out of fear of their impending death and ass expanding. It's a win win situation.
Like most married men, I can ignore the holiday all together so she doesn't expect me to do a damn thing for her now that we're married. I need to put my foot down and say, "Bitch! You need to know your place and your place is at my feet or feeding me grapes, naked."
Am I right men? We can't have our women thinking we're NICE guys or romantics. We need to be horrible people that only care for ourselves. I shouldn't have to go 5 minutes without my penis being stroked by my woman. It's ridiculous I'm at work right now and my wife isn't jerk in me off. The more I think about this post the angrier I get.
Why am I even thinking about making her happy when she should be writing this and replacing all dick rubbing with vagina dragging. Maybe I want a day with her vagina in a box filled with hot popcorn or waking up to her stirring my eggs with her vagina. I'm a bit angry I've never had the pleasure of wearing lingerie and being fucked lustfully as I watched flowers die and cried over a box of chocolates.
I hate these sexist holidays. I want to feel pretty for a day for once!