Thursday, February 6, 2014

No Post Today

I'm sorry, I'm not going to do a post today. I'm just to damn stressed out with life and stuff. You'll just have to forgive me today, the stress is overflowing.

I'm having one of those days where I want to strip naked, grab 2 full coffee pots, run around Walmart parking lot with my dong slapping my legs like a jockey's riding crop, and scream at the top of my lungs for 8 hours straight. I know you know what I mean. It's just been one hell of a week and it's about to get worse. That is why I'm not going to write a post.

Busy is not the right word for what I am. I could slam my testicles in a vice and not notice it right now. I'd be like,  "what? You're going to crack my nuts and roast them over an open fire while you drink eggnog and open Christmas presents? Ya ya, whatever you want. I need to get back to work." You see, I'm crazy busy and I don't have time for a blog post.

It's just not work, it's everything. I feel way over my head with everything I'm doing. For example, I heard a lot of smart people talking on Twitter yesterday and I went on G+ to regurgitate their ideas. In no way am I smart enough to think of anything worth doing. I'm a caveman. I have the bad feeling, if this project fails it is because I said something and I lack the technical understanding how it really works. It's a project that requires several experts to work closely together and quickly, to make it a success. If that happens, it will be amazing. I fear my name attached to it and not somebody known as a community role model, will make it a crazy stupid idea. After all, I'm only known as the "crazy drunk uncle" blogger guy. I kind of know nothing and it makes me way too stressed out to do a blog post today.

Tomorrow I need to dehydrate myself a bit. I need to go 14 hours without peeing or pooping. It scares me because a poop can creep up on you with out warning. I wish I could explain why, but it is need to know information and you don't need to know. Just trust me and know, I can't pee or poop for 14 hours tomorrow. If I do, shit is going to hit the fan. It's pretty stressful knowing you have to tell your body not to expel it's waste. What of I get the urge to poop? I can't do a blog post right now, I need to try to get all the poop out.

A blog post right now would just stress me out more. The last couple posts I've done have been amazing. People give me lots of praise for the things I write. Topping that would be hard. I don't want to do a post right now and fail. I'm at the peak of my fame and a stupid ass post could ruin everything I've worked so hard for. I'm going to refrain from writing anything today so I can think about a masterpiece to top what I've already done. That in itself is super stressful and I need time to think.

All this is just weighing me down. I can't think. I can't write. I can't poop. I can't top what I've become. Doing a post right now would just complicate everything and drag me deeper down the hole of stress. I feel like I have 2 Italian mobsters fitting me for cement boots to swim with. I can't keep my head above water right now. I feel bad for all my fans out there expecting something grand from me.  Expecting me to spout words of wisdom and make them laugh their stress away. I can't do that today. I can't write a blog post there is just too much to do.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something for you all. I will come to my blog and lay down the most amazing post you've ever seen. You'll look at it and say, "I feel better now. I know him that much more. I laughed and I cried reading his post.  I'm in love him and I would gladly cradle his balls to safety. I will bear the burden of his coffee pots held high at Walmart and add padding to his inner thighs to cushion the blow of his massive pendulum. I will swaddle his naked body like I would my own baby."

All that you would say if I could think of a post to write today. Alas, you are left with nothing from me today. You'll have to stare into space and imagine I wrote everything you wanted to read. It's up to you to believe in my because I'm lost in the depths of writer's block from stress. If I write a post today I know everything would be better.

I've failed you all and I shall lay here holding it all in until I can think of a post. Sadly this is just a tribute to the greatest a post I've ever written. You are left with nothing...


  1. I'm not even going to comment on this.

  2. I am really glad you didn't take the time to post something :)