Tuesday, February 11, 2014

#TESO Updated FAQ

There are so many questions concerning the up coming MMORPG The Elder Scrolls Online, I decided to answer a few questions to help the community out. This is in no way in affiliation with Zenimax. I take full responsibility for any question truthfully answered with out blowing smoke up your ass. All questions and answers are a product of gathering discombobulated fragmentary Riga mortise and shall not wither thine mental health in any way herein. Legally speaking, of course.

Without further ado, here is the updated Elder Scrolls Online FAQ:

Q- Can I play Elder Scrolls Online offline and by myself?

A- No! Elder Scrolls Online in an online game that has no single player offline mode. You might want to Google the word,  "Online"  in your spare time. That also requires you to be online.

Q- Can I play ESO by myself connected to their servers?

A- Of course.  You are more than welcome to play the game all by yourself. It's just like masturbating. You can always play with yourself, but it's always nice to have other people throwing their pinkies in your butt right before you're about to climax. It's not as exciting doing yourself because you know when it's going to happen. That and your hand doesn't smell like shit afterwards.

Q- How much does ESO cost?

A- You can pre-order the basic game for $59.99 and there are several options higher priced depending what you want to spend. There is also a $14.99 monthly fee after the first free 30 days.

Q- Wow! That is expensive. Why the hell would I pay $14.99 a month when I could just play Skyrim for free?

A- Nobody is twisting your arm to play ESO. Go right ahead and play Skyrim all you want. It's your choice and you will not get the same experience from Skyrim as you would ESO. Skyrim is only a single player game and does not require servers to maintain or more employees to develop new content at the speed an MMO requires.

Q- Well, there are just as good games out there that are free to play MMOs that don't require a monthly fee, I'll just play one of those or wait for the next non-MMO Elder Scrolls game.

A- You're more than welcome to play something else.  Oh and don't expect another Elder Scrolls single player game for many years. You really think Zenimax will make a new Elder Scrolls game on the heels of their flagship franchise they spent millions of dollars making? You really think they'll want to lose players paying $15 a month to a single player game? Why do you think Skyrim will never have a co-op or multiplayer mode? Because that would take revenue away from ESO.

Q- Well I'm not going to buy into their greed.

A- Good don't fuckface!

Q- You're kind of a rude Q&A person.

A- That's not a question asshole!

Q- Ok here's a question for you, you jerk: Why did Zenimax ruin a great franchise by making an online Elder Scrolls game?

A- Because they like money just like anybody else. They're not going to make games for charity out of the kindness of their heart. They have a profitable business they need to keep running and $15 a month makes a huge amount of money if they do a good job at it.

Q- I'm not going to support their greedy ways.

A- Good you shouldn't then. You should forget about the game and move on with your life. Don't be one of those lowlife losers that bitches and complains about games you have no intentions of ever playing because you don't agree with their ideas. Just let it go and move on.

Q- But I need to let the world know my opinion to educate them so they don't buy into this type of greedy business model.

A- Since 1999 when I started playing Everquest people said the same damn thing you're saying right now. Do you know how much that changed the way people played MMOs? Over 100 million people have tried WoW and at its peak it had almost 13 million people playing it and paying $15 a month. Just last quarter 200,000 people came back or started playing WoW. You know how much MMO companies F2P or P2P would jizz in their pants if they had a base of 200,000 people? Grab a bucket because the boat is about to sink.

Q- This Q&A was stupid and I didn't learn a single valuable thing about the game.

A- That is because you're too ignorant to change your way of thinking. The Q&A is only as good as the questions you ask and your willingness to accept the answer. Your stubbornness is keeping you from understanding minor business ethics. Greedy or not, you accept the way they want to run their business or move on and find some other company that conforms to your way of thinking. 

I for one would rather not pay a $15 monthly fee, but if I want to play ESO beyond the included 30 days I'll have to decide at that time of its worth it to me. Right now the $60 entry fee is worth it to me, but I'll have to wait and see if I play beyond the 30 days.

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