Wednesday, February 19, 2014

How ESO is Poised for Success

In 1874 the jockstrap was invented to hold male genitals close to their body while they rode bicycles. It was in 1927 the jockstrap added the hard cup to protect the goods from being kicked up into our throats. In the 1980's compression shorts replaced the original design of the jockstrap, but it was later discovered a swift kick to the nuts is no match for compensation shorts. To this day, we have jockstraps with protective cups to save our balls from a thrashing. Zenimax understands this.

Since 2008 the MMO genre has seen a swift uprising in products. All of them special in their own way, but a lot of them stick in their old ways not protecting themselves from a good beating to the balls. Like I talked about in my last post just below this one (insert going down joke) , a company has to think differently to succeed or their testies will get bruised.

We can get all fanboyish and snap each other on our naked asses with a wet towel in the locker room, or we can huddle up like a real team and go out there and kick some ass with really spikey cleats.

Zenimax has a plan for their future. They've taken the time to look at the scoreboard and the injured players on the sidelines. They've figured out how they can win the game without risking a nut injury. Sure they'll get beat down and punched in the face, but at the end of the game their baby makers won't be bleeding.

You might be wondering what this "cup"  is I speak of? How is Zenimax protecting their family jewels like no other? Why do I keep talking about balls? All in good time my friendly reader. Don't go pulling out on me prematurely. Just swallow and keep reading...


That is the whole point of this post. Zenimax has learned you can't stop people from headbutting you in the junk, but you surely can cushion the blow with a cup. They might be entering the MMO market sporting a new pair Under Armour compression undies, but secretly tucked away is a titanium testicle no touchy deflector.

Oh we hear the cries of how horrible it is to have a cash shop plus a subscription plus a box fee, blah da blah, blah, *BAM* right in the Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care because Jimmy is safe under the dome. Even though Jimmy died and Junior was crazy as shit. Read a book you'd understand.

Anyways, unlike other MMOs with their fancy features and funny ways, ESO is sending a clear message to its fans, "We might not succeed in winning, but we'll kick you in the business as hard as we can. We're protected and so should you be."

In 1928 the American Sports Accociation reported a sharp dickline in penis injuries.

1 comment:

  1. Not sure how a cash shop that will sell basic paid services and maybe some mini pets or mounts makes ESO "poised for success".

    Its good ESO does have support for a solid MMO feature though, I guess?