The Elder Scrolls Online is Worse than SWTOR

(Disclaimer: I've played TESO a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT! What that means is, I know what I'm talking about. My ideas and opinions are ironclad. In less than a month you'll know what I'm talking about, so don't be sad when you're disappointed. I told ya so!)

CHARACTER CREATION:

The second you log into the game you have to create a character. This annoyed me right away. I think it's a stupid idea to have people create characters in this game. It goes against everything that is Elder Scrolls. The game is supposed to be based on the REAL Elder Scrolls world and if it is real all characters should be born. You should start as a baby and get no choice what you look like. Your parents didn't care they were too ugly to have children. They didn't buy some slide rule to touch up your nasty face. This is real and starting out by having choice is dumb.

I spent a good amount of time trying not to get too pissed off about all the options. It was way more than SWTOR and frankly, that game failed because of the piss poor character creation. Too many things to adjust makes people think they are living in some kind of fantasy world. Games like these should be cut and dry with their characters.

WAILING PRISON :

This is as far as I got in this horrible game. I spent 3 days of beta in a prison room banging a cup against a dead body while some scary ass ghost guarding the door. I can't believe this game is just 1 room and it cost $60 plus $15 a month. I understand character creation is going to take most players 9 months just to conceive a baby, but after that this game has no content. I see this going free to play faster than World of Warcraft did.

There isn't much else to say about the game play, but it lacks depth and content. Maybe later they'll patch in a way to get out of that room.

COMBAT:

I've done a lot of research on this game and I've watched tons of videos. Every time I see one it gets my blood boiling because I know it's all a lie. This game doesn't have combat at all. The only other things you could possibly kill are already dead in your cell. I clicked through all the menus and couldn't find anything to kill in them. I did see a menu for bugs, but when I hit it, it pulled up a bunch of words I didn't understand. Zenimax might want to add in some combat before it releases.

GRAPHICS :

HORRIBLE! I was running the game on a Duo core with 2mb ram and an Nvidia 1800 TI. The game was a slide show and full of glitch in pixels. I know this is beta, but if I can't even move and my computer keeps blue screening every 5 seconds, the game is going to fail hard.

Just last week I played Fallout on max settings with my computer and I didn't have a lick of problems. Of course, that was made by Interplay and not that horrible company that took over the Fallout franchise. It's sad when great companies get bullied into selling their amazing franchises and they have to watch it disintegrate right before their eyes. Just like when Blizzard sold Diablo to EA.

UI:

There wasn't one.

PVP:

None at launch.

PAY MODEL:

RIDICULOUS! They expect people to pay $60 for a digital download! You don't even get a box or a disk. I remember when I got 8 disks, cloth map, a mouse pad, directions, and stickers for $40. They don't give you anything anymore. You have to surf the Internet for a code then pay money to add that code just to play the game. Not only that, they're charging $15 a month to play the game. Nobody does that. Who do they think is going to play a game with a monthly fee? Surely, not millions of people.

SWTOR did their fans right by going totally free to play. Granted I've never played SWTOR because it's based on a fictional setting, but none the less, it was a great game you can play for free without restrictions whatsoever. Elder Scrolls Online needs to do that or they will fail. A business can only thrive on giving players everything for free and if they want to donate through Western Union, they can. I know this emu has been beaten, but games shouldn't charge people to make money. It's just bad business.

GROUP CONTENT:

Sadly, This is purely a single player game. There is nothing to do in a group. I didn't group because at level 1 thru 1 you can't group. I'm sure if the game had levels beyond 1, it would have grouping I wouldn't do. It's just easier to not group and prove the point it is a single player game.

Most of my life people don't speak to me. A game like this just proves my point I'm not hated, I just prefer to be alone and sad. I'm sure more people feel this way, but I don't care to talk to them. I'm never proven wrong because I never try to discover new things. My life is sad and I want to cry. I play video games to get away from my troubles. I'm eating hotdogs 2 at a time right now, but nobody watches me on Webcam. I could fit 3 if you'd watch me.

This is purely a single player game and it's going to fail. SWTOR name inserted here. I don't know anybody that is going to play this game, let alone beta test the systems prior to launch.

IP:

I don't want to dog the IP they made up for this game, but it's kind of stupid. Really who is going to enjoy a game about old people and books? You sit in a prison reading books until you die of old age... I'm not buying it.

Conclusion:

The game sucks and I pre-ordered the most expensive option to prove how much it sucks. Spending that kind of money entitles me to that opinion. I might even buy 2 copies so I can dress the statues up and play with them in the bath. I'm sure Darth Vader and GI Joe won't mind the company.

The facts are laid out before you. I'd greatly advise against reading anybody else's impressions. They are just all convoluted fanboys or uninformed haters. I've given you concrete facts gathered from 1 beta weekend where I spent 3 days eating several hotdogs at a time trying to leave the prison. I'd say don't buy the game, but you should buy the game. The worst thing in the world is to not experience anything that could make you upset or happy. It's just stupid not understanding the feeling of getting in a game and not understanding what to do. You have to see it for yourself to not understand.

White Guy Jailed for Being Fanboy

Yesterday a man described as a white male, with manly features, standing about this tall, was jailed on suspicion of being a serial fanboy. The police had this to say about the suspect,

"He is white. We've been closely monitoring his online activity for several months now. We have proof he has been overly excited about several other games in the past. Investors are searching his blog posts for buried information as we speak. "

Earlier today a reporter interviewed his wife and this is what she had to say,

" He's white. I was shocked at first, but when I replaced the light bulbs in the bedroom I noticed it right away. I tried not to show my fear, but when he got on the computer late at night and started blogging about video games, I got terrified. I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police. "

After further investigation the police discovered he was fired from his job at the local video game store. His ex-supervisor went on record,

" We knew he was white. We're an equal opportunity employer and frankly, mostly white guys apply where we work. We had to let him go because the customers were complaining he was too excited about  - censored-. We just can't condone that type of behavior. "

The evidence keeps piling up. Investigators have discovered:

1. Hard drives filled with numerous fan site templates.

2. Thousands of screenshots from betas.

3. Cookies from gaming websites exceeding porn cookies 10 fold

4. Schematics on how to build cosplay outfits.

5. Comments on other blogs arguing why his game is better than anything ever.

6. Posts on gaming forums attacking anybody that criticized his game.

7. Several social media accounts made with "fanboyish"  names.

8. Tanning lotion

9. YouTube "First Impressions"  videos liked and favored.

10. Overly aggressive towards casual gamers.

The mayor expressed his deepest sympathy towards any of the victims that came in contact with the accused. In a press conference live moments ago he said,

"This is just plain disgusting! I'm saddened by this tragedy and I will be contacting the president for disaster relief. As a community we need to learn the signs of fanboyism before this type of damage is done to our citizens again. I only can go home tonight an hold my family tight and hope they never see this again in their lifetime. "

As the news breaks we will keep you informed. This is indeed a dark day in our history. We can only hope there is a speedy trial and he is put to death before he can write a book in prison.

Game Community Appreciation Week

When: March 10-14th

Where: Here

Who: Me

Why: I feel like it

What: Appreciating what it is to be part of a gaming community.

How: Care stare!

For the past 5 years on various blogs I've had a thing called Developer Appreciation Week (DAW). Every March I tried to instill pride in the gaming community and just appreciate what developers do without all the complaining, hate, and rage.

The problem with DAW was, it was narrow-minded. It didn't encompass everybody that made games happen. Developers are great and all to appreciate, but what about the IT guys, community managers, podcasters, bloggers, lawyers that draw up NDAs, or that one guy that has a million posts on forums before the game even gets out of alpha? These are all the people that make up the development process of a game. They are the passionate and the positive in our community.

So, I'd like to spend a week talking about the really cool things that go into the community aspect of game development. I'm even planning on interviews with real people. I haven't asked them, but I'll send out my interview questions this week. No its not going to be big time developers like Smedley, Smart, Lord British, or Jacobs because they don't answer my emails. It's going to be real people that answer my emails. That doesn't mean they're any less. On the contrare mon frare, it means that person is exactly the person I want to interview; they perfectly represent what it means to be part of a gaming community.

When I did DAW I wanted other bloggers to mimic my enthusiasm for developers. Unfortunately, it never really got as enthusiastic as I wanted it to. So instead of expecting other bloggers to do anything, I really don't care if they do or don't. I'm doing this because I want to; because I want to show my application for the gaming community and what it totally involves,  not just the developers in the spotlight.

It all comes down to caring and making the gaming community I follow a better place for me. I read forums and gaming news sites like Massively or MMORPG.com (which are the best gaming writers in the world!). The community of these sites are just shit. We empower people to act like asshats with articles that only serve to anger people. We all know talk about payment models will bring out jerks. OK it is $15 a month... fuck who cares!

We let people talk about the negative things just to get clicks and add to paychecks. I love my paycheck and all, but at what price am I willing to cash it? Pitting games against each other and bringing up past failures brings our community down. I can't help that. I know now I'm just a little guy that can't change the way we as gamers, show the world we're not 12 year old boys that have never seen a pair of tits behind a keyboard.

That said, I don't mind an honest bad preview or review. I mind the baiting. The Internet is filled with assholes and gamers are stereotyped as raging morons. How many articles are written a year reminding the world how stupid gamers are and how they're influenced enough by them to walk into a mall and shoot people? Of course we know it's not the video game and it's underlying mental issues that required medical help. But of course our society looks down on mental issues in a negative way, only to punish the people with the problems instead of helping them. Again, we see our hateful society is to blame, but instead of fixing the problem, we point the finger at someone else.

I'm just one guy. I can't save the gaming community in 1 week or ever. If I don't try to do my part, I'm just as guilty as the rest. I love games and the gamers. I wish people were more positive. I love breasts too. Just sick of being ashamed of being a gamer because 90% of the gamers that are popular are negative and the only reason they are popular is because they attract attention to more negative people. The good people are too ashamed to say anything. They read silently and lurk around the Internet scared to say anything nice because of the pack of hyenas waiting for them. Sooner or later the nice people give up or join the pack if they ever hope to be anything in the gaming community. It's just sad.

I'm going to take a week to do my own thing and appreciate everybody in the gaming community. I'm going to pretend it's all unicorns with rainbow hooves shitting rose petals. It's going to be my own thing. I hope you read me that week and enjoy what I write. If you don't... Meh oh well, at least I'll feel great to be a gamer. For once I won't be ashamed of the truthful things I write. Maybe it should be called Gamer Pride Week instead?

The Devil You Say!

I've been a bit in the closet about this, but I think it's time to tell all my readers the truth. As embarrassing as it is, I need to tell everybody before they think I'm somebody I'm not. It's very hard on me, but it weighs on my soul everyday. I think about it every second I'm awake and it's stifling my life. I'm just hurting my family by not coming out and saying it. I know it might hurt my marriage and how my kids think of me, but I can't keep it a secret anymore...

I love The Elder Scrolls Online and Wildstar!

Oh gawd that felt good!

I know my life will change from now on and the Westboro Baptist Church might protest me now, but I can't help it.

I love The Elder Scrolls Online and Wildstar!

Oh... There it is again.  It's so empowering to say. I'm crying here with joy. I feel my Chi is finally aligned. To not have to face it and lie anymore, is life changing.

I can play a realistic looking game with a huge PvP end-game and a cartoony dungeon crawler. I know the world with think I'm a freak, but I don't care anymore. I'M FREEEEEEEEE!

Crap, I need to log into WoW, GW2, DCUO, and FFXIV to finish my dailies...

Going Dark

On March 31st I'm going dark for a month. I'm going to shut off Google Plus, Twitter, guild forums and anything else associated with games. I'm going to live like it's 1999.

This is mainly an experiment. I want to see if what I think about The Elder Scrolls Online differs from the community I normally play games with or read about playing games, thinks. I want to see how much I crumble under peer pressure. The first 30 days in an MMO are very crucial because that is when we have to decide to pay or not to pay for another month. I believe I get too invested in what others' think of a game and it gets me down. This trend has been happening for the MMO releases since 2008. I buy an MMO. I play the MMO for a month. People get pissy about the MMO. I get pissy. I quit MMO and go back to WoW.

Over the past 2 months I happily played WoW. I think I was happy because nobody really gave a shit about WoW. It wasn't the new thing to play. There wasn't hype, first impression, or asshats comparing their games. Nobody cared about WoW's subscription model or their cash shop. It was nice just to play the game and not get into the politics that comes with new MMOs.

Sure enough, the WoW elitist will come out of the woodwork nitpicking ESO apart. Fans of Wildstar will get defensive and chest bump each other in the locker room. Then, there will be the annoying fanboys that will make ESO out to be the next best thing next to a giant pile of golden goose shit. For the first 30 days of ESO my Internet is going to be fucking annoying. Of course, that is my choice to follow, read, and listen to these people. That is why my choice is to turn you all off.

At the end of the 30 days I'll decide whether or not I want to subscribe. I will write a blog post detailing my time in the dark playing ESO. I think it will be fun to see if my thoughts about the game differ or are similar to the community I chose to listen to.

I'll keep writing during my time in the dark. I don't have comment notifications on so I won't see if people give a shit what I'm saying. I'll just write and ignore everybody. Sounds like heaven to me.

I fully understand I choose to be swayed by others' opinions and I'm OK with that. I love games and love the community, but I'm curious to see how much I change the way I think according to what you all think.

Until then, on March 10 thru the 14th I will be writing about developers I appreciate. I'm not going to do a Developer Appreciation Week or anything, because I feel it stresses me out to expect other bloggers to say something nice about developers. For 5 years I tried to get the community together to really make developers feel like most of us care, but I always feel like only a handful of us care. The rest are too busy or don't think it's worth their time. It just gets me down and makes me realize how shitty humanity really is.

Yesterday really hit home for me. It made me think of my time I wrote for MMORPG. com. I got a comment saying how worthless my writing was. This is the community I try to make laugh with stories. These are the people I spend my free time with. What a sorry piece of hell the gaming community is. Built on creativity and fun, but brought to life by hate, greed, and envy. How did something so beautiful get vandalized so fast?

There is 1% that makes it worth it all. I love those people. The other 99% I truly want to say, fuck you! 

How ESO is Poised for Success

In 1874 the jockstrap was invented to hold male genitals close to their body while they rode bicycles. It was in 1927 the jockstrap added the hard cup to protect the goods from being kicked up into our throats. In the 1980's compression shorts replaced the original design of the jockstrap, but it was later discovered a swift kick to the nuts is no match for compensation shorts. To this day, we have jockstraps with protective cups to save our balls from a thrashing. Zenimax understands this.

Since 2008 the MMO genre has seen a swift uprising in products. All of them special in their own way, but a lot of them stick in their old ways not protecting themselves from a good beating to the balls. Like I talked about in my last post just below this one (insert going down joke) , a company has to think differently to succeed or their testies will get bruised.

We can get all fanboyish and snap each other on our naked asses with a wet towel in the locker room, or we can huddle up like a real team and go out there and kick some ass with really spikey cleats.

Zenimax has a plan for their future. They've taken the time to look at the scoreboard and the injured players on the sidelines. They've figured out how they can win the game without risking a nut injury. Sure they'll get beat down and punched in the face, but at the end of the game their baby makers won't be bleeding.

You might be wondering what this "cup"  is I speak of? How is Zenimax protecting their family jewels like no other? Why do I keep talking about balls? All in good time my friendly reader. Don't go pulling out on me prematurely. Just swallow and keep reading...

CASH SHOP!!!

That is the whole point of this post. Zenimax has learned you can't stop people from headbutting you in the junk, but you surely can cushion the blow with a cup. They might be entering the MMO market sporting a new pair Under Armour compression undies, but secretly tucked away is a titanium testicle no touchy deflector.

Oh we hear the cries of how horrible it is to have a cash shop plus a subscription plus a box fee, blah da blah, blah, *BAM* right in the Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care because Jimmy is safe under the dome. Even though Jimmy died and Junior was crazy as shit. Read a book you'd understand.

Anyways, unlike other MMOs with their fancy features and funny ways, ESO is sending a clear message to its fans, "We might not succeed in winning, but we'll kick you in the business as hard as we can. We're protected and so should you be."

In 1928 the American Sports Accociation reported a sharp dickline in penis injuries.

Wildstar's Fatal Misstep

When I was a kid I played a fun game called, Bloody Knuckles. The object of the game was to beat your opponents knuckles bloody to make them give up in pain. Most of the time it ended with the new guy crying as blood squirted out of his knuckles. Most of the newbies gave up and never played again.

You see, the veteran Bloody Knuckler spent countless hours building up calluses and the constant pounding on their knuckles damaged the nerve endings in their hands to dull the pain. There was no way a new guy could win unless he hit hard enough to break the vets hand. Let me tell you, that never happened.

Wildstar is that new guy and they're going to lose.

Before you throw up your hands and start screaming, "what about The Elder Scrolls Online,"  let me tell you why this only pertains to Wildstar.

1. Cartoony graphics

2. Theme park MMO

3. Big raid push

4. 2 factions

5. No existing IP

6. Monthly subscription

5 out of 6 of those scream WoW. In a recent survey WoW players were asked about other MMOs, 60% of them had no interest in any other MMO. 30% liked to try all the MMOs for the right price and 10% didn't even know what MMO meant. That said, Wildstar only has a chance of getting 200,000 people from WoW to try their MMO. Granted, there are a lot more people that don't play WoW and are currently MMOless, but out of those people most of them have tried WoW and left WoW. If 90% of Wildstar is WoW, why would people play it?

I'm not bashing Wildstar if I'm trying to help it survive.

I truly think Wildstar screwed up by not going with a model like Guild Wars 2. GW2 makes money almost as fast as WoW does. I bet percentage wise per capita, GW2 makes more money. Unfortunately, I'm just guessing this according to NCSoft's 3rd quarter earnings of GW2. GW2 didn't win the Bloody Knuckles game with WoW that's because the chose to play a different way.

Wildstar on the other bloody hand, is trying to go blow for blow with the champ. People try to deny it and shrug off the similarities, but at the end of the day Wildstar is a WoW clone to the core. Just like many before them, they will end up bloody and crying. If they just stopped denying it and embraced the fact they would be able to open their minds enough to figure out how to change the game.

So in one corner you have WoW holding tight to the heavy-weight championship of subscription Bloody Knuckles and in the other corner you have GW2 holding the title to the light-weight division, where can Wildstar go?

Like I said before, Wildstar is the new guy in this. They might be full of energy and ready to get bloody, but running in head first is just going to get them knocked out. They might want to want to think a bit longer about their strategy. Maybe they can catch the Champs by surprise with a huge left hook? What would that hook look like though?

1. Wrap their knuckles with a $9.99 sub fee? I know we've all accepted $15 fees with $60 boxes, but what about cushioning the blow to the consumers a bit by bringing the monthly fees down a bit?  I know, "But that's a $5 or 30% profit loss!"  Yup it sure is, but I bet more people would be willing to play WoWstar. I know if I was one of those 60% WoW fans paying $15 a month I'd be willing to try out that other WoW game for less.

2. Take their chances teaming up with GW2 (they are sisters after all)  and hope she doesn't claw Wildstar's eyes out. The problem with Wildstar is, it looks like WoW and smells like WoW. Those 30% that have played WoW and left, don't want WoW or they'd just play WoW... Duh!

Wildstar has a MASSIVE potential for a cosmetic cash shop. With the lack of a existing IP they are free to do what they want. Having a $15 monthly sub is just plain stupid and limits it's the overall growth of the game. It's sad new MMOs only thinking of the short term profit. Sure WoW is old and fat, but its had 9 Years of calluses building up. Of course Wildstar can hope to pull a Buster Douglas on WoW, but WoW would need to have a death in the family, do countless drugs, eat crap, and release WoD while it pukes on its fans.

3. What about having a free 60 days included in the pre-order of the game? What, WHAT?! Now I'm just talking crazy. I know everybody loves the in-game fancy rings with pre-orders or non-combat pets that do funny tricks, but what about giving players something they can actually use past level 5? Why not take a bit of stress off the gamers trying to get them to subscribe? If Wildstar is all about fun and happiness, grow some balls and let the players play the game for 60 days if they pre-order it?  One it can only drive up the initial amounts of pre-orders and two, it let's the player get hooked on the game, worry free,  for 60 days. Studies have shown it takes 90 days to foster a habit and after the first 30 days it gets harder and harder to break that habit. At 60 days it is 75% harder to break a habit. If Wildstar is dead set on a $60 box fee and $15 a month, give players that are dedicated enough to pre-order the game 60 free days. Wildstar needs to go into the Knuckles match with the crowd cheering while it bobs and weaves to wear the fat veteran out. Fat guys don't hit so hard if they can't breathe.

Unfortunately, the mentality behind companies running MMOs is,  "The players that are going to pre-order games do. No need to give them extra stuff that can save them money."  The problem is they don't think about the guy that is sitting on the fence with a pocket full of cash. There are 1,000s of people not wanting to buy Wildstar due to it not being different enough. Carbine Studio needs to push those people off the fence with a reason to play their game besides obscure features in the game. Those features might be cool, but a gamer needs a concert reason to try those features out. What's more concrete than money? Well, concrete I guess...

4. Or they can just pray for a miracle and hope they survive all 10 rounds. There is a list of games that thought they could do that, but sadly they all threw the towel in. What's worse is the other contenders had loved IPs to back them up. Even with the extra push of a known IP, they left in shame. You never know, Wildstar could get lucky? I'm laughing by the way.

The main problem I see about all this is the blinded fans. That say things like,  "we're not trying to kill WoW,"  or "WildStar is nothing like WoW!"  Yup and alcoholics aren't alcoholics if they don't look in the mirror. It's that type of thinking that makes an MMO go F2P or shut down totally. With so many MMOs fighting over players' money, it will be a hard sell for people to get in Wildstar's corner. There are so many better and cheaper options out there. Not to mention the veteran MMOs that already have built a habit from their players. You can scream how it's not Wildstar, but most of the MMO community only sees WoWstar.

Drinking Bacon Flavored Piss

Over at Aggronaut.com Belghast is writing a little fact about himself everyday in February. I think this is an awesome idea and I've been reading every factoid he writes about himself. Honestly, sometimes I skip the gaming portion just to get to the facts. Because I like it so much, I wanted to write one myself. Unfortunately, my life isn't as exciting as his so I can only come up with one post. This is about the day I almost drank bacon flavored piss.

BEFORE THE PISS

Growing up in the woods of New Hampshire we used to get pretty bored. Frankly, our lives were pretty boring. For fun we would do things like lick cow salt licks and try to keep the baby cows from swallowing our hands as they tried to suckle. It was boring. So boring, my friend studied they way chicken asses flexed when you blew on them. I have no idea what he was thinking, but he did just get done smoking oregano or parsley. I can never remember which one he liked to pretend was pot.

Like any country bumpkin, we built tree forts on the woods to hang pictures of naked women up on the walls like wallpaper. That's when I learned breasts could block the wind and keep me warm at night. Our forts were grand and a sanctuary away from our parents. It was the closest to living on our own at the ripe old age of 12.

Mmmm BACON!

It wasn't uncommon to sleep in our tree forts for several days. We would grab supplies from our houses throughout the days, but generally we would stick to the mountains with the wildlife. Like all the smart kids, beans and bacon was always on the menu. Good thing we built forts high off the ground because bears like bacon too.

The problem with the delicious bacon and bears, is the fear of getting mauled at night while you're trying to take a piss. Normally, we would just peel back one of our naked pictures and hang our dongs out, but sometimes it was just easier to piss in a flask. That's where my story starts.

PISSSSSSSSSS!

There were 3 of us and we each built our own floor to sleep on. Unfortunately, I got the middle floor. I had to make sure I didn't sleep under my friends peeing hole. The floors and roof were subjective to leaks.

One night my chicken ass blowing friend had a rough night with his bladder. Unknown to me, he grabbed my drinking flask to relieve himself. Instead of telling me, he put the flask back where I kept it and slept the rest of the night like a baby.

The next morning I had to poop really bad after breakfast so I went to my house. Peeing in the woods is fine and dandy, but pooping is just gross. I don't know how bears do it. When I got back I decided to go read my walls on my floor of the fort.

Feeling a bit parched from running to my house and back, I needed a drink. I grabbed my flask, cracked the lid, and was about to swig it when in noticed a piece of half chewed bacon in it. A bit pissed there was bacon in my favorite drink container, I started yelling at my friends.

Well, Chicken-ass sniffer started laughing uncontrollably. I knew then he was up to something and he didn't have to be blowing on my ass to know it. That and he was all out of banana peels to smoke. Definitely, he was up to no good.

Being the hillbilly I was, I poured the bacon "water" on his head. He stopped laughing... Obviously, he got pissed off really quick. Normally, he is prepared to fight anybody at the drop of a hat, that day was the first time I saw him cry and run home. I didn't realize what happened until later when I picked up the flask and smelt the pungent oder. Yeah, that was bacon flavored piss I poured all over him. I'm just glad I didn't drink that.

Why Developers Can't be Transparent

One thing I have a hard time doing is writing a serious blog post. I feel it sets me up for negative criticism I don't want. I'm not a game developer, philosopher, writer, or some educated genius, I'm just an average guy with an average job living an average life. I'm very happy about that, but it doesn't make me an expert in anything, so writing a serious post sets me up for things I might not want to hear. It makes me more transparent than I really prefer.

That said, when I have an idea I really need to get it out to clear my mind of it, so I can get back to writing the average crap I normally write. Since yesterday, I've been bothered by what Massively wrote about John Smedley. They misquoted him and purposely rewrote their article to justify their misquoted. It made Smedley look like a raving crazy developer. I too can take my posts down and reward them whenever I want. What they said keeps drumming in my head pissing me off because I was enjoying Mr. Smedley's transparency and Massively tries to fuck it up by phishing for hits. They are quickly becoming the tabloids of gaming. It's sickening. Luckily, Smedley has balls and won't be bullied by those kinds of sites. I can't say the same for other developers.

Yesterday, Smedley started blogging. His first real post was amazing. I fear if he becomes too transparent we will lose a lot of great information and insight into gaming because of hit hungry sites like Massively. He will start censoring himself and leaving out his pure thoughts on a subject. Not something he has shown to do in the past, but blogging changes a man. I'm not saying he has to be as crazy as me in his blog posts. Imagine the backlash he would get adding comedy and sexual jokes to his blog. Shit, Derek Smart is still considered a bit crazy after some of his forum rants he went on. I, on the other hand, think Mr. Smart is brilliant. He is a wealth of knowledge.

They're in the spotlight 24/7 when they're developing a game and that makes them a perfect target for us to get fanatical. We start treating them less and less like humans and more like gods. Their words become scripture open for anybody's crazy interpretation. They have a choice how they're going to handle their fame, but more often than not they get pissed and go into hiding away from the paparazzi.

Just like Eminem said in the rap, The Way I Am-

" And I'm thankful for every fan that I get
But I can't take a shit, in the bathroom
Without someone standing by it"

These developers are celebrities in a gamer's mind. We hang on every word they say and try to dissect it to discover a hidden meaning that will award us with their attention. With their information being spewed over social media, a lot of the true meaning is lost in translation. We stare at their words like Hamlet staring into an empty skull contemplating life or death. Luckily, Hamlet was talking to the dead and not killing ideas and creativity with poisonous greed.

We're seeing a great thing with John Smedley and I hope he can keep up blogging. His knowledge of the gaming industry and it's development process invaluable, but like many developers before him trying to just be human and helpful, the greed of gaming "news"  sites will force him back. To be fair,  a lot of gamers add to the toxic environment that forces sites like Massively to write controversial articles.

Unfortunately, I'll never meet someone like John Smedley and get the true meaning of his words. Like you I'll have to scour forums, Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus, blogs, and gaming news sites for a glimpse into what he knows. We just have to be better than the attention hungry people or gaming sites. We have to take his words for what they're worth and not twist them to draw attention to ourselves. If we can't censor ourselves and listen for a change, we will be staring at John like Hamlet stared at the lifeless skull wanting answers, but only getting dead silence.

In my opinion, I think Massively should delete their post and apologize to Mr. Smedley.

Valentine's Day Gift Decisions

I've been with my wife for 7 Valentine's Days so far, but this is a very special one because it is our first one as a married couple. I need to step up my game and get her the most spectacular gift. After 6 years of constantly out doing myself I fear this year is going to be a lot down to her. I don't want that to happen so I'm going to throw some ideas your way and I hope you can help me out this year.

1. POPCORN

My wife loves popcorn. I was thinking about getting her some for Valentine's Day, but that sounds really boring. Then I thought,  "it's not really the boring popcorn she wants, it's the whole surprise of the popcorn and how I package it." So here is my idea:

I can make a bunch of Jiffy Pop and throw it in a box. Then I can cut a hole in that box. Next, I'll put my dick in the box... Wait the Jiffy Pop has a caution-

CAUTION: Contents are hot! Allow popcorn to cool down for approximately 5 minutes before eating or topping your dick with it. Also, do not drizzle hot butter on the popcorn if your dick is in the same container as the box. Immediately seek medical attention if you're too stupid to burn your junk with our product.

Well shit!  There goes that idea unless I use cold popcorn with 1/2 the salt. Full salt always irritates my balls.

2. Lingerie

Nothing says, "I Love you" like a new outfit I can rip off her and start having sweaty sex. What woman doesn't enjoy a new outfit? Seriously, if you could see my wife now and envision her in lingerie, you'd probably be rubbing your crotch with excitement while you read this. It's ok, I'm rubbing my crotch right now too. We can all rub our crotches together. Up, down, up, down... Your out if sync try again. Up, down,  up, and I'm spent!

Man, that was fun but I'm a bit creeped out now. I'm not sure if I should break the ice with idle chat or cuddle my phone awkwardly. You should just continue reading and ignore the fact we just buffed our wood.

3. PAMPERING

I know what you're thinking,  "Oh man he's about to talk about putting diapers on his wife and spanking her bummy."

No I'm not talking about that even though it did cross my mind. I'm talking about giving her a coupon for a full day's pampering by me. Here are the details in the coupon:

A.  I'll get up early in the morning and make her breakfast. I'll warm her grapefruit to the perfect temperature and stick my dick in it. Just to make sure it's not too hot or too cold. Then, I'll attach a spatula to my dick and make her scrambled eggs.

B. After breakfast I'd lather her up with baby oil and massage her whole body with just my dick. From head to toe I'd run my dick all over if she liked it our not.

C. Of course after a good dick massage she is going to need a good sponge bath. Instead of a sponge I would lather up my dick and scrub her clean. I'd put shampoo on my balls and give her a deep cleaning all over her hair. I might even drag my ass around to get in really deep.

D.  To finish off the night we'd watch a movie while she pulled on my dick. I'm telling you, this sounds like the best option yet.

4. CHOCOLATES & FLOWERS

I know, this is a very boring thing everybody does with their loved one for Valentine’s Day. I figure, if this is a tradition that is proven to get guys laid, why not go with the old standby? Yeah the flowers are expensive, die within a day, and the chocolates make you fat, but it's proven to depress the woman so much they feel the need to have sex with their man out of fear of their impending death and ass expanding. It's a win win situation.

5. NOTHING

Like most married men, I can ignore the holiday all together so she doesn't expect me to do a damn thing for her now that we're married. I need to put my foot down and say,  "Bitch! You need to know your place and your place is at my feet or feeding me grapes, naked."

Am I right men? We can't have our women thinking we're NICE guys or romantics. We need to be horrible people that only care for ourselves. I shouldn't have to go 5 minutes without my penis being stroked by my woman. It's ridiculous I'm at work right now and my wife isn't jerk in me off. The more I think about this post the angrier I get.

Why am I even thinking about making her happy when she should be writing this and replacing all dick rubbing with vagina  dragging. Maybe I want a day with her vagina in a box filled with hot popcorn or waking up to her stirring my eggs with her vagina. I'm a bit angry I've never had the pleasure of wearing lingerie and being fucked lustfully as I watched flowers die and cried over a box of chocolates.

I hate these sexist holidays. I want to feel pretty for a day for once!

#TESO Updated FAQ

There are so many questions concerning the up coming MMORPG The Elder Scrolls Online, I decided to answer a few questions to help the community out. This is in no way in affiliation with Zenimax. I take full responsibility for any question truthfully answered with out blowing smoke up your ass. All questions and answers are a product of gathering discombobulated fragmentary Riga mortise and shall not wither thine mental health in any way herein. Legally speaking, of course.

Without further ado, here is the updated Elder Scrolls Online FAQ:

Q- Can I play Elder Scrolls Online offline and by myself?

A- No! Elder Scrolls Online in an online game that has no single player offline mode. You might want to Google the word,  "Online"  in your spare time. That also requires you to be online.

Q- Can I play ESO by myself connected to their servers?

A- Of course.  You are more than welcome to play the game all by yourself. It's just like masturbating. You can always play with yourself, but it's always nice to have other people throwing their pinkies in your butt right before you're about to climax. It's not as exciting doing yourself because you know when it's going to happen. That and your hand doesn't smell like shit afterwards.

Q- How much does ESO cost?

A- You can pre-order the basic game for $59.99 and there are several options higher priced depending what you want to spend. There is also a $14.99 monthly fee after the first free 30 days.

Q- Wow! That is expensive. Why the hell would I pay $14.99 a month when I could just play Skyrim for free?

A- Nobody is twisting your arm to play ESO. Go right ahead and play Skyrim all you want. It's your choice and you will not get the same experience from Skyrim as you would ESO. Skyrim is only a single player game and does not require servers to maintain or more employees to develop new content at the speed an MMO requires.

Q- Well, there are just as good games out there that are free to play MMOs that don't require a monthly fee, I'll just play one of those or wait for the next non-MMO Elder Scrolls game.

A- You're more than welcome to play something else.  Oh and don't expect another Elder Scrolls single player game for many years. You really think Zenimax will make a new Elder Scrolls game on the heels of their flagship franchise they spent millions of dollars making? You really think they'll want to lose players paying $15 a month to a single player game? Why do you think Skyrim will never have a co-op or multiplayer mode? Because that would take revenue away from ESO.

Q- Well I'm not going to buy into their greed.

A- Good don't fuckface!

Q- You're kind of a rude Q&A person.

A- That's not a question asshole!

Q- Ok here's a question for you, you jerk: Why did Zenimax ruin a great franchise by making an online Elder Scrolls game?

A- Because they like money just like anybody else. They're not going to make games for charity out of the kindness of their heart. They have a profitable business they need to keep running and $15 a month makes a huge amount of money if they do a good job at it.

Q- I'm not going to support their greedy ways.

A- Good you shouldn't then. You should forget about the game and move on with your life. Don't be one of those lowlife losers that bitches and complains about games you have no intentions of ever playing because you don't agree with their ideas. Just let it go and move on.

Q- But I need to let the world know my opinion to educate them so they don't buy into this type of greedy business model.

A- Since 1999 when I started playing Everquest people said the same damn thing you're saying right now. Do you know how much that changed the way people played MMOs? Over 100 million people have tried WoW and at its peak it had almost 13 million people playing it and paying $15 a month. Just last quarter 200,000 people came back or started playing WoW. You know how much MMO companies F2P or P2P would jizz in their pants if they had a base of 200,000 people? Grab a bucket because the boat is about to sink.

Q- This Q&A was stupid and I didn't learn a single valuable thing about the game.

A- That is because you're too ignorant to change your way of thinking. The Q&A is only as good as the questions you ask and your willingness to accept the answer. Your stubbornness is keeping you from understanding minor business ethics. Greedy or not, you accept the way they want to run their business or move on and find some other company that conforms to your way of thinking. 

I for one would rather not pay a $15 monthly fee, but if I want to play ESO beyond the included 30 days I'll have to decide at that time of its worth it to me. Right now the $60 entry fee is worth it to me, but I'll have to wait and see if I play beyond the 30 days.

No Post Today

I'm sorry, I'm not going to do a post today. I'm just to damn stressed out with life and stuff. You'll just have to forgive me today, the stress is overflowing.

I'm having one of those days where I want to strip naked, grab 2 full coffee pots, run around Walmart parking lot with my dong slapping my legs like a jockey's riding crop, and scream at the top of my lungs for 8 hours straight. I know you know what I mean. It's just been one hell of a week and it's about to get worse. That is why I'm not going to write a post.

Busy is not the right word for what I am. I could slam my testicles in a vice and not notice it right now. I'd be like,  "what? You're going to crack my nuts and roast them over an open fire while you drink eggnog and open Christmas presents? Ya ya, whatever you want. I need to get back to work." You see, I'm crazy busy and I don't have time for a blog post.

It's just not work, it's everything. I feel way over my head with everything I'm doing. For example, I heard a lot of smart people talking on Twitter yesterday and I went on G+ to regurgitate their ideas. In no way am I smart enough to think of anything worth doing. I'm a caveman. I have the bad feeling, if this project fails it is because I said something and I lack the technical understanding how it really works. It's a project that requires several experts to work closely together and quickly, to make it a success. If that happens, it will be amazing. I fear my name attached to it and not somebody known as a community role model, will make it a crazy stupid idea. After all, I'm only known as the "crazy drunk uncle" blogger guy. I kind of know nothing and it makes me way too stressed out to do a blog post today.

Tomorrow I need to dehydrate myself a bit. I need to go 14 hours without peeing or pooping. It scares me because a poop can creep up on you with out warning. I wish I could explain why, but it is need to know information and you don't need to know. Just trust me and know, I can't pee or poop for 14 hours tomorrow. If I do, shit is going to hit the fan. It's pretty stressful knowing you have to tell your body not to expel it's waste. What of I get the urge to poop? I can't do a blog post right now, I need to try to get all the poop out.

A blog post right now would just stress me out more. The last couple posts I've done have been amazing. People give me lots of praise for the things I write. Topping that would be hard. I don't want to do a post right now and fail. I'm at the peak of my fame and a stupid ass post could ruin everything I've worked so hard for. I'm going to refrain from writing anything today so I can think about a masterpiece to top what I've already done. That in itself is super stressful and I need time to think.

All this is just weighing me down. I can't think. I can't write. I can't poop. I can't top what I've become. Doing a post right now would just complicate everything and drag me deeper down the hole of stress. I feel like I have 2 Italian mobsters fitting me for cement boots to swim with. I can't keep my head above water right now. I feel bad for all my fans out there expecting something grand from me.  Expecting me to spout words of wisdom and make them laugh their stress away. I can't do that today. I can't write a blog post there is just too much to do.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something for you all. I will come to my blog and lay down the most amazing post you've ever seen. You'll look at it and say, "I feel better now. I know him that much more. I laughed and I cried reading his post.  I'm in love him and I would gladly cradle his balls to safety. I will bear the burden of his coffee pots held high at Walmart and add padding to his inner thighs to cushion the blow of his massive pendulum. I will swaddle his naked body like I would my own baby."

All that you would say if I could think of a post to write today. Alas, you are left with nothing from me today. You'll have to stare into space and imagine I wrote everything you wanted to read. It's up to you to believe in my because I'm lost in the depths of writer's block from stress. If I write a post today I know everything would be better.

I've failed you all and I shall lay here holding it all in until I can think of a post. Sadly this is just a tribute to the greatest a post I've ever written. You are left with nothing...

Everquest Next Landmark Impressions

On the last day of January 2014, Sony Online Entertainment opened their doors to the NEXT chapter in the Everquest franchise with Everquest Next Landmark. I had every intention of not playing this "pay-to-test" alpha, but my mind was drastically changed without warning as the testing started. This is my story...

HOME INVASION:

Usually on Fridays I'm at work and on the 31st I was at work, but for the sake of this story I'll lie.

I woke up early last Friday to make my family a balanced, nutritious breakfast before my wife went to her 1950's quilting club and my kids to school. During breakfast we told each other our hopes and dreams for the future while we enjoyed each other's company. Our family bonding over breakfast always brings us closer. After we all finished eating, we held each other's hands and wished everyone an amazing day.

We finished up breakfast and cleaned up together before we went our separate ways for the day. I kissed the kids on the forehead as I gave them their cartoon detailed lunch boxes, filled to the brim with healthy foods, and waved to them as they trotted down the road to the bus stop. Now alone, my wife and I hugged for several minutes so we could feel each other's souls embraces. We were spiritually bonded for the day.

My wife gathered her quilting supplies and headed out the door. I stood in the doorway with tears licking my cheeks as I could feel her warmth leaving my body.  As she climbed into the carriage I got a quick glimpse of her ankle and my heart skipped a beat with excitement and lust. I'll have to administer some lashes later to purge my unclean thoughts.

With my heart heavy because of my family dispersed for the day, I went to close the door and finish cleaning the house. Right before the door closed I felt the door reverse direction with the speed of a scared dingo being chased by a wombat. The door slammed against my back at full force throwing me and my sins to the floor. I knew then, I wouldn't have to beat myself anymore. I knew these intruders were going to cleanse me if I wanted it or not.

Dazed and confused I tried to look at my soon to be captors. Unfortunately, they were both wearing black ski masks embroidered with the letters EQNL on the foreheads. I did notice one of the guys was tall with a large belly and the other man was short with a ponytail poking out the bottom of his mask. Scared I tried to lay motionless on the floor. I tried to focus on the thought of my loving family, but a dirty spot on the floor quickly snapped me back into the moment. I slowly licked my index finger and reached for the spot, but right when I finger was about to reach it, the ponytailed man stomped on my hand. It hurt really bad and I peed a little in my undies. The big man spoke, "David, why do you always need to be so aggressive and mean? This poor man was just trying to clean a spot up."

The ponytailed man referred to as David, quickly backhanded the large man and said in a growling whisper, "Damnit John, you used my name. Just shut up and do as you're told," John shook his head and tried to wipe his tears off with his mask. "John I need you to pick him up and drag his tushy to his computer so we can get this started," again John nodded at David and snotted back a runny nose.

PAYMENT

John gently grabbed me by the shoulders and hoisted me to my feet. He even brushed me off a bit and gave me a friendly squeeze to reassure me everything was going to be ok. David quickly shoved John out of the way and pushed me up the stairs towards my living room. I was a bit embarrassed because I hadn't had time to fully clean the house after breakfast and the table still needed a heavy dose of Pledge. Today was not going too well for me. I just hope we don't go to the bedroom, I still needed to do laundry.

Scared poopiless, I made my way up the stairs and headed straight for my computer. I glimpsed over my shoulder to see how close my attackers where and just then I saw David pull off his mask in frustration. He saw me see him and I froze in fear. In anger David ripped the other man's mask off. In shock, I realized I knew these two men. The one with the ponytail was David Georgeson and the big man was John Smedley. Both of them are employees of Sony Online Entertainment. Still in a rage, David leapt at me like a squirrel discovering a golden silo of nuts. Before I knew it, his ponytail was lashing my face. He was a master of the ancient Ponytail Cobra Style. My eyes stung as his hair poked at my eyes. Surprisingly, his hair smelt beautiful. He must take great care of it an moisturize it for hours on end. Even though it was really painful getting whipped, his hair was extremely soft and reminded me of the fresh flowers I put on the kitchen table for my wife everyday.

Red, sweaty, and salivating with rage, David looked at my blood shot eyes and said between clinched teeth, "that is only a taste of the pain that will come if you tell a soul what you saw here today. You understand me my little test monkey? "  I choked back tears and the urge to tell him he smelt wonderful and nodded. He grabbed me and spoke again, "good, now get your wallet and log into our website.

I sat down at my computer and fumbled to get my wallet out of my pants pocket. I was having a horrible time getting it out because I was sitting on it. I was too scared to ask if I could get up and pull it out, so I struggled to dislodge it. To my surprise John rubbed my head as I was struggling to reassure me everything was going to be ok. What I nice guy! I'm not sure how he got mixed up with David. I eased my wallet out of my pocket with help from John's relaxing touch. My wallet was a little wet from the pee pee that dribbled out and soiled my pants.

Finally I had my moist wallet free and my credit card out. I clicked on the Everquest Next Landmark website and waited for instructions. David was in the kitchen looking at snacks when John whispered in my ear, "just relax and don't worry too much. We just need you to alpha test our game. We don't care which Founder's Pack you pick, just pick one quickly before David gets angry again."

"Thanks John, " I said through scared tears and snot bubbled our my nose," I really appreciate you making me feel safe. "

David stormed back to us with a plate of my chicken piccatta and brown sugar glazed green beans I had made for dinner the night before. Wild-eyed and chewing a generous bite of chicken David spat, " Just pay for the daggum alpha already! We don't have all day!"

Hastily I bought the Explorer's pack for $60. Then John grabbed my mouse hand and helped me navigate to the alpha client. His hands were surprisingly soft and gentle. I had the overwhelming feeling he should work for Allstate because I felt like I was in good hands.

ALPHA

I made the two men some deli sandwiches for lunch and we took a little nap as we waited for the client to download. David was a very light sleeper and he slept with one eye open staring at me. John on the other hand, curled up in the fetal position and snored like a bear.

My computer alerted us when the download was done. We rubbed our sleepies away and I logged into the game. Even though I wasn't following this game at all, it was exciting to log in for the first time. I made my character and launched him into the world. That is when the problems started and David got angry again.

At first he smiled as he watched himself talk about the game in the introduction, but the second my character popped up he was all business. He grabbed my hands and forced me to click this or click that, giving detailed instructions. "Click here. Click there. Open that menu. Mine that copper. Mine the tree. No! Stop clicking that! No! No! Lay claim to land.."

I went on frantically trying to keep up with his directions. I looked back at John to show him I needed help. He just shook his head no and pulled his knees tighter to his tummy. David continued, "YOU need to lay claim. Click it... Click it... DAMNIT click it!"

I couldn't it wasn't working. Tears started streaming down my face as I tried to lay claim to land and I couldn't. It seemed to be all  gone. I just started running around in circles trying to claim some land when the game froze up. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up because I knew the wrath that was coming.

David jumped on my computer desk an assumed the T-Rex Stance of Death. His ponytail whipped at the air splitting atoms as it flailed around. Sparks started to form in the air around him and his eyes glowed a bright orange. I knew then he was a Super Saiyan. In a flash he had a cell phone in his hand and he was screaming at customer support. "I don't care what happened! Get the gosh darn game back on line! Fiddle-de-do!" He stomped his feet in rage and his glow grew more intense and I had to shield myself from the heat.

In a fiery blaze he launched off my desk and grabbed John. John looked scared. David wrapped his arms around John, wiggled his nose and bobbed his head. The NDA disappeared in a blink with the two men. I stared at the spot they were just standing, dumbfounded. The air still and no evidence of their existence. I looked back at the table and saw only one plate from lunch, my plate. Next to my plate was a spinning top spinning endlessly. I turned toward the door and saw my family playing outside and I walked towards them...