Thursday, May 15, 2014

Why O Why Did I Pre-order Wildstar?!?!

Last night I did the deed, I refused my wife sex to pre-order Wildstar. What the hell was I thinking?!?!

I'm just kidding. My wife and I were like 2 Chuas fighting over the last slice of rowsdower bacon strip. And in normal human adult terms that translates to: I pre-ordered Wildstar, we went to bed, and as I leaned over to kiss her good night, my penis touched her leg and her breasts grazed my hand. Then, we slept great exhausted from our thought of going further than that. Sorry, but being intimate during the week is like guild events during the week lasting until 12am , I just don't have the energy for that.

Trust me you youngins, you get to my age and raiding becomes a chore if done during the week. If I stayed up that late raiding panties or a dragon with halitosis, I wouldn't recover for months. I wish I was as resilient as I used to be, but I'm not. I have pains, insomnia at times, children barfing on the cats, the cats barfing on the children, and my balls forgotten for months at a time; staying up late to play a video game is the last thing I need.

That being said, one of the things that interests me the most about Wildstar is the raiding. It also pissed me off the most. Over the last few months I've been going back and forth about buying Wildstar for various reasons to include raiding. In the end I made a list of why I wanted to play it and why I didn't. Obviously, the WANT exceed the NOT and I'll show you why...


1. RAIDING AND WARPLOTS: These are exactly the same to me. I need a large group of people to achieve these and as a social gamer, that makes me horny. The thought of 39 dudes and 1 woman coming... together... sweaty... loads... of loot and fun, just gets my heart pumping with excitement.

2. HOUSING: Besides the fact that I'd like to see non-instanced housing, Wildstar's housing looks amazing. All the things you can do is jaw-dropping. Why they didn't go the route of having a in-game store filled with housing cosmetics to fund the game like Guild Wars 2 instead of a pay 2 play model, is beyond me. There is so much potential in making money through the housing aspect. I'm guessing NCSoft didn't want Wildstar to directly compete with GW2.

3. HUMOR: From the first day I heard about Wildstar, the game clicked with me. I loved their stupid sense of humor. Even though it is ridiculously over-the-top at times and very childish, I can connect with it somehow. I love the fact that when I level up the sounders says to me, "YAY YOU FUCKING DID IT SHIT FOR BRAINS! YAY FUCK YAY FUCK FUCK FUCK YAY!!! fuck."

That subtle type of humor just makes me smile. My life day in and day out is serious business and it's nice to go home and let my pubes out from time-to-time. Bushy Bushy Blonde Hair Do! You know, the game might be too cartoony or not worth the $15 a month, but those little moments I spend smiling at the stupid shit Wildstar has to offer is worth the free 30 days.


1. RAIDING AND WARPLOTS: I know deep down in my heart I won't be able to raid or do Warplots. For one, I can't stay up late enough during the week to even massage some fantastic boobies. Second, the other boobie. Third, the people I guild with are just like me, old. We have families, full-time jobs, puking pets, neglected boobies, laundry, alcohol to be drank, depression pills, lack of interest after 30 days because of the monthly payment, and we're damn exhausted from all this. It just pisses me off!

2. HUMOR: Some days the game is just too "in your face". I'm a human being and that means I get grumpy and annoyed. I just don't feel like having "Las Vegas Strip"  experiences every night. It's fun to do in little doses, but after awhile I can see myself becoming numb to it and annoyed. Now I know how my wife feels when I speak. I'm the last guy you'd think would be annoyed by unnecessary humor, but it might surprise you to know I annoy myself a lot. BALLS! Most of the stuff I write I say to myself, "Haaa Haaa Haaa... Man, I sound stupid. Why did I write that? People must think I'm crazy and gross and more crazy and nuts and and and..."

You really need to be in the mood for ridiculous humor. This game and my blog will suffer the same fate in the end because of our childish behavior. FAME AND DRUG ABUSE!

3. COMMUNITY: This kind of piggybacks humor. Because the game fosters a pompous, over-the-top cockiness, the community comes off as just plain dicks. Imagine a League of Legends community that all think they're Jim Carry. Odd to think I think this is a negative, but when I'm playing a game I'm polite, helpful, and a damn nice guy. My blog is that other guy. I know how and when to turn off the dick. You could say I'm a pornstar and the Wildstar community is a bunch of frat boys daring each other to fuck elm trees. Sad thing is, they don't know they're being dicks they think they're funny. You're not, you're a dick!

Makes my stomach turn thinking a Wildstar fan will read this. I might have to throw up on their cat. Makes me sick!

4. THE ELDER SCROLLS ONLINE: I love TESO and playing Wildstar is going to take time away from that. Why I chose to pre-order Wildstar only hinged on 1 WANT and yesterday that WANT happened. I'll tell you about that in a bit.

After thinking about missing TESO game time and playing Wildstar with TESO, I felt relieved. I'm the type of gamer that hops from game to game every month and having 2 fresh MMOs to hop between sounds a little exciting. Like an orgy. Unfortunately, that will put me behind (and when I say behind /wink) my guild mates that hop between games. That don't stick with one game more than 30 days. That are as ADHD about MMOs as I am... Maybe, I won't get too far behind double penning these 2 games?



Yesterday he announced he will try Wildstar, but he's not too sure about the game. It kind of sounded a lot like me, but with more ice cream.

You see, River and I go way back as bloggers. You could say we're the OG's of MMO blogging. We don't take no shit. We don't conform to the ass kissing ways. We post dafuckever we want, and some developer once gave us pieces to the same skeleton. That kind of makes us brothers in blogging. You don't throw that shit away and if your brother is going to kill some shit in a game, you stand by him killing some shit. Unless, he doesn't log in and you have time to kill some shit while your wife is soaping up her milky white, silky soft, breasts in the shower. Then and only then, we shall not stand as one.

In all seriousness, River is a great friend and his pre-order of Wildstar made it a no brainer for me. Most likely we'll just play it for 30 days and he'll go back to WoW and I'll play TESO, but it's that 30 days the Latency Lowlifes will ride again, that makes it all worth it to me.

... Oh and fuck you feminist! You're welcome River!

EDIT: It seems I was mistaken and River lied to me, by not pre-ordering the game. He never said he pre-ordered the game, but when I said River I meant Rowan. Even tho Rowan isn't like River and is way more polite, I consider him a soft OG like me. Good thing he pre-ordered the game!

DOUBLE EDIT: Soo, Rowan didn't pre-order the game either...  I'm sure some motherfucker pre-ordered Wildstar and I'll play with him! Nunyall evar evar evar have my back during a zombie apocalypse! You all be trippin my ass just because you think it's funny! Stupid Wildstar bunny chicks and gerbils making me talk to the bushes naked in front of the police station!


  1. Whatever you're taking, up the dose, man.

  2. Thanks for the pressure...uhm but I didn't preorder...I'm on the fence. I guess I'm preordering now. LOL! I'm going stealther and passing wind in front of you just for that.

    1. And that is peer pressure at it's best :) you're welcome!

  3. Replies
    1. And.
      I didn't preorder either.

    2. Well shit... I'll have to edit it again!

    3. I don't think it has housing. Did I say that? I'm not sure what I wrote. I think I meant the buy 2 play model of GW2 and that if Wildstar did that model, they could use their housing as a cash cow.