Wednesday, May 14, 2014

NBI Advice... NSFW... Ever...

I love the idea of the Newbie Blogger Intergalactic (NBI) league of superhuman writers.  It gives me hope blogging is not dead and humanity will be saved inside the minds of Minolta. I want to be a part of this league of extraordinary gentleman. I want to help the new bloggers, podcasters, streamers in a yellow submarine, or YouTubeites be all they can be in the Army.

Hence, I will go forth and compound a list of an undecided amount. Ahh, the joys of a 6 year mobile blogging career, my give a fuck begins and ends with the title of my post. After that, it's just all hot sweaty sex gravy poured over a juicy turduckin. You know what that is right? It's a turd shoved in a ducks ass while a turkey, chicken, quail, goose, and all its kin watch in horror. And I just put gravy on that!

Now that I've given you a taste of my peanut butter and fluffed you up, I'll pop this post out like a baby holding a jar of KY Jelly.

1. BE YOU: Really that doesn't mean shit if you're an attention whore like me. You should probably listen to my podcast it will help you understand. You'll just get pissed off if you think you're the next Tobold or River. Just relax and write. Be more like that other guy. He's a badass! Yup, I just pulled a Massively and scratched my own balls coming from my ass.

2. WORRY ABOUT YOUR STATS: That shit is like the stock market! Every time I write a post I refresh my stats page over and over until I decide to quit blogging for a month. I don't know how many times I told myself not to care if anybody reads my blog posts and I end up crying myself to sleep while my wife gives me limp dick a half-hearted hand job. In truth it's nerve wracking if you care about what you write. Stop lying to yourself and understand you blog because you require the attention and those stats quantify your worth. So refresh the crap out of your stats page and cry victory when a thousand hacker bots ping your page because you mentioned porn or WoW. Possibly, porn in WoW!

3. LOVE YOUR FELLOW BLOGGERS: Gawd, I love my fellow bloggers! Just the thought of Belghast's voice in AggroChat, Rowan's bushy beard, River in drag (Btw he is a sexy ass woman. Not so good as a man), Girl Grey's knee high rainbow socks, or Stargrace's beautiful soul, it makes me moist as a Duncan Hynes cake made entirely out of raw eggs and petroleum jelly. These people and hundreds more are what blogging is all about. The enlightening conversations I've had with bloggers like Tobold and William Murphy, would make you truly understand the shear craziness that goes into being a popular blogger. There are some serious assholes out there that have no idea who you are, but they assume who you are through your writing. Your fellow bloggers understand that one way or another and it's important to love the hell out of them and respect them.

4. READ AND COMMENT: Read whatever the hell you want and comment if you feel like it. There is no set list and there is no magic way of getting all the attention you want out of blogging. I read posts I want and I never frequently any blog. I'm a dick! Even my long standing blogger friends I don't read everything they write. I wish I could and I wish they didn't write boring post some times, but I can't read all that crap and nobody is always spot on with a post. I love them too death (their death not mine),  but I'm way too busy with myself all the time.

The same goes for commenting (which is dying so don't expect any), you don't have to comment on every damn blog unless you have ODC and the power of Christ compels you too. The way social media works today has made commenting on blogs a waste of time and a pain in the ass. It's easier to Tweet your opinion. Yes, you'll get noticed a lot faster if you do comment, but it take a lot of time. It's your time, so do what you want with it.

5. STYLE: This is the meat of your blog. I have no idea what my style is,  but people tell me I'm like a snail, but instead of a snail I'm a penis that moves like a snail. I slowly drag my sweaty balls across the Internet leaving a slimy, sticky, pungent smelling, trail of goo and dislodged pubic hairs. Yup, that sounds about right. That is the meat of my blog... Get it... meat? I just mushroom thumped your forehead with that baby!

You don't pick a style, you ooze it and sooner or later you discover that wet shit on the ground is you juicing. Some times you're like, "Da fuck is that me?"

You can either, A. Go to Walmart and buy adult diapers to cover that shit up or B. Wear a thong and let the kids play in Crocodile Ally. I prefer to wear assless chaps. People read me for my style because it's not a forced style I had to think about and plan; it's a style that just happened like sex with a $2 crack whore. You're walking down the street excited to have $2 in your pocket that is giving you a boner because it keeps gently brushing up against your gentiles, when all of a sudden, a $2 whore jumps out of the bushes and blows your wad. It's scary and you'll definitely catch a life long disease, but man, she could suck start the space shuttle.

CONCLUSION: I gave you 5 awesome tips so get the fuck out of here and start blogging! Most likely I won't read your blog, unless you comment on mine or follow me on Twitter or listen to my podcast or watch my Twitch stream or check out my YouTube channel or have sex with me and my wife at the same time. It's up to you now!

Oh and Scopique and Dragonchasers are my best buds too! Shit there are so many I love! If I forgot you please don't be asshat and say,  "what about me Scary?"  like Fuck dude! There are so many I love and wish I could link to.

5 comments:

  1. The Dragonchasers link is broken. :-|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya stupid phone autocorrected it several times. It was like fighting a dead 3 sloth

      Delete
  2. Be REALLY concerned if you notice me wiping my sweaty balls across the internet - I'm not entirely sure it's possible without a pair!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can barrow sweaty balls just ask Loraine Bobett

      Delete