Wednesday, March 5, 2014

99 Problems and a Game Ain't 1

If you're having game problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems but a game ain't one

99. You can't afford games, but you buy them anyways

98. Your wife is a bitch and won't let you play games

97. You gotta job and can't play games

96. You haven't had sex in a year because you play too many games

95. Your Internet connection sucks

94. You murdered a man over a game and now you're in prison

93. You're too smart and good for games.

92. Your failing school because you play games too much

91. Red Ring of Death... Fuck that shit!

90. Your graphics card needs an upgrade

89. You reproduced

88. Fired from your job

87. You bought the SWTOR CE and still hold a grudge against games

86. Porn

85. Windows 8

84. You bought a next-gen console that has 0 games worth playing

83. You're waiting for PC gaming to die

82. Your dog is in heat and it pissed on your PC

81. Your fat and the doctor told you to get off your ass

80. Midlife crisis

79. You blog about games instead of playing games

78. Forums depress you too much

77. You're sick

76. Your husband masturbates to JRPGs

75. You're too busy checking Twitter or Facebook

74. You refuse to pay $60 and a monthly fee

73. You're a dick and you nitpick every game that comes out so much so going makes you unhappy

72. You read Massively and think it's good...

71. Free to play games are beneath you

70. You've backed every potential Kickstarter MMO

69. You're having sex right now while you're reading this /high-five

68. You're now cleaning the sex juices off your face

67. Game of Thrones is on

65. Brandon Sanderson came out with a new book... See you in 6 months

64. You get on headset while you're playing Call of Duty

63. You do Crossfit and your hands hurt too bad to grip a mouse or controller

62. You're getting a divorce because of #98 and #86

61. You're too cool to play games

60. You and your wife got drunk and you flashed her tits on PS4 Twitch

59. You're in surgery to get the TV remote removed from your ass after a rage

58. You forgot to attach your Wii controller strap to your wrist

57. You live in Colorado or Washington and you have your priorities

56. Your momma told you video games rot your brain

55. You get a new partner and you're in the courting phase

54. You still believe in the "Good ol'days" of gaming

53. You think your opinion matters to help development of games

52. You're a member of a fan site

51. Holy shit I'm only 1/2 way

50. You read chat in an MMO beta hoping WoW isn't mentioned

49. You take off of games to watch the Olympics... Just sad

48. You're at Starbucks right now writing your novel instead of gaming

47. You tell people what to do in pick up groups

46. You role play in games

45. You're a feminist and you get in a conversation with River

44. You believe EA

43. The cable guy hasn't showed up yet

42. You let your teenage son use the Internet when you weren't home.

41. And you forgot to update your virus protection program

40. You believe game hype and buy everything, but you have nothing to play

39. You're a woman gamer and you tell random  strangers that.

38. You tell every woman gamer you're a nice guy as you send them a picture of your penis

37. You think trolls are funny and mimic them

36. You think developers will follow you on Twitter if you're nice

35. You think you'll become famous streaming on Twitch or YouTube

34. You expect others to love the games you love

33. You constantly compare old games to new games

32. You're afraid it's a cash grab scam

31. You're going bald, you found a gray pube, and you're single. Nobody will love you as a gamer

30. You accidentally shot sperm on your $200 mechanical keyboard. Yup you popped that Cherry max

29. You have a blog and you think you're funny

28. Your in the military and you buy MMOs. By the time you get back from your deployments your guild has quit the game and disbanded... Assholes!

27. You theorycraft so much gaming is more of a job than fun

26. You think people are not all selfish

25. You only buy indie games because those developers are honest

24. You start a long distance relationship with someone that sends you a picture of when they were in high school. 300lbs and 10 years later

23. Seriously if you don't exercise your heart will stop and you won't be playing anything

22. You get a degree in game design and expect to be hired.

21. You beg for beta keys

20. You go to gaming expos and forget your deodorant

19. You think WoW is going to fail after they lose 1 million subscribers lulz

18. You think new MMOs will be "revolutionary"

17. Kill ten rats quests makes you mad

16. You're a guy that acts disabled to get money playing games

15. You pretend you're a girl to get free things in games

14. You take a week off work for a headstart

13. You game on a Mac

12. You're reading this

11. You play and love Candy Crush Saga

10. You game late at night and drink ridiculous amounts of caffeine to stay awake during the day.

9. You don't think Lord British is crazy.

8. If this isn't your game this time, you quit gaming forever

7. You grow up

6. You read beta impressions and take them to heart

5. Your guild and friends quit playing a game

4. Your account gets hacked

3. You're still broke from the Steam Holiday sale

2. You're waiting for it to go free to play

1. You bitch about games more than you enjoy them.

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