Thursday, October 9, 2014

Going Down

I haven't blogged much lately because I've been studying for an important test I need to pass to be eligible for a promotion at work. It's a test to see how much I know how to lead others and manage resources. I failed... Twice.

The problem is, I think my answers are right. I cannot comprehend what I did wrong. Obviously, I'm too stupid to be a manager. This failure got me thinking about me. About how I've always failed at what I wanted to do with my life. Simply because I am not smart enough or talented enough to figure out how to pass. Yes, I'm very hard on myself, but it's because I care about everything I do. It seems I'll never be who I want to be no matter how much I seem to care.

When I was younger I wanted to be an artist. Looking back at my art and the excused I used when I quit drawing, I see I just sucked at art and it wasn't the fault of my blunt art teacher telling me my drawings sucked. I truly sucked at drawing.

I look at my 10 year old son's drawings and see a lot of myself in him. He sucks at drawing too, but I keep cheering him on not wanting to tell him he'll never be an artist. I tell him how to succeed, but like myself, he just is too lazy to practice at it enough to become good. He'd rather play video games or watch YouTube about video games. Like his dad.

A little bit later in life I wanted to work for NASA doing NASA stuff. Mainly, I wanted to stare at shit in the sky and get paid for it. I quickly learned you had to be smart for that and I would rather play Super Mario Bros on NES.

At about the same age as myself, my oldest son wanted to be a paleontologist. Lucky for him he learned quicker than I did and sat down in front of the PlayStation 3. As a high schooler, he has 0 aspirations to do anything except play games. Great dad I'm becoming.

I understand we all make our own choices and you have either the Victor or Victim mentality. For years I was a victim and I blamed my choices on everything except the real problem, myself. Looking at my past blog posts and social media writings I can see how much of a victim I saw myself as. Even now I feel like video games are my downfall. The hard truth I have to accept is, it is my own damn fault. I choose to play video games when I could've studied more for my test. Yes I studied a shitload for the test, but 52 hours spent playing Destiny, 100+ hours playing WoW, 50 hours in Wildstar, 50 in ESO, Warframe, ArcheAge, Firefall, ect ect ect...  Over 400 hours I spent playing games the past year I could of I used studying more.

I understand it's nice to take a break and relax, but I probably spent 40 to 1 playing games I stead of studying. If this promotion was so important, then why didn't I manage my time better? That's right, the test was on management and I failed it. Obvious things are obvious. Not to mention the countless hours on social media just being a total asshat to get attention when I could've be studying more.

I'd like to talk myself I'm going to change, but I really don't want to. I'd rather fuck off for the rest if my life getting paid for exactly what I deserve for my effort. Whatever makes me happy right? Too bad it doesn't make me happy that's why I completely play games like a drug to escape my failures. It seems like a catch 22, because I know I'm too stupid and lazy to do anything that would make me happy. Might as well ignore it and play more games.

What's funny in all this is this blog post. I've been told by a lot of people I'm a good writer. I wanted to be a writer at one time. I thought making a blog would help me do that, but over the past 6 years doing it I've discovered I'll never be one. I'm just too lazy for it. That and I misunderstood what I actually wanted out of a blog. I thought I would get feedback on my writing to help me become better at it. What I found was, nobody wants to read what I want to write. People just want to read drama and hate. Gamergate is the perfect example.

For over a month now this massive bitching about gamers and journalists have been going on. It's really pointless. Most gamers are middle to lower class, have an addiction, sees themselves as victims, and starves for attention. The game journalists are exactly the same. Gamergate might as well punch itself in the nuts every morning when it gets out of bed for all the good it's doing the community. Everyone just needs to realize exactly what I realized: you are all lazy, stupid, average, attention whores, addicted to games, and you'll never be what you dream of being because to always point the finger at others and not at yourself. All this gaming arguing is not doing anything, but proving we are all idiots. I am including myself in this because I know I'm no better.

In conclusion, this post is pointless. I'm going to go play a game now, so I can forget I will never be what I want to be.

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with this as well. Way back when, I wanted to build robots, but I sucked at math. I decided to go to school for biology, but I didn't put in the work. I ended up as a web developer, but I know only as much as I need to. I wanted to make a game, but I didn't get anywhere close to finishing. I keep telling myself that I want to write a book (if for no other reason than to know that I did), but I start and stop with furious frequency. I would love to do a video series, or a podcast, but I haven't.

    Every time, I find some other excuse for why I can never get started or actually finish anything I DO start. WHAT the excuse is doesn't matter; simply having one is enough to derail me. But saying that we're lazy? I don't know that I'd agree with that. I think in some cases, at least, there's a level of comfort, and then there's the Great Beyond: the point at which we realize that if we succeed, we're going to be in uncharted territory, with additional responsibilities that we're not entirely sure we're ready to shoulder. It's easy to have ideas and ambitions. It's even easy to start on them. But once we realize that this is the real shit, and that we have a chance of actually pulling it off, succeess is going to change our lives in some way. And change is scary. I know it is for me.

    But the thing is this, dude. Many of us have been around you long enough to "know" you in more than just the Internet sense. We've read your posts, interacted with you online, and have even chatted with you live on occasion. If we look back and collect those interactions and stitch them together, I don't feel that you're seen as a lazy quitter. You are concerned about how your raise your kids. You got married, then divorced, and yet married again. You regularly go to the gym. You care about your friends.

    As painful as we all feel about not succeeding at a lot of the things I think we WANT in life, we can't ever forget the things that we excel at. And in that, we have a choice: define ourselve by what we feel we've failed at, or define ourselves by what we know we've succeeded at. To me, "personal achievement" is less about the achievement and more about the personal. You're a little off kilter, to be sure, but never in a million years would I ever consider you as a failure.