Thursday, October 2, 2014

Dear Samsung

Dear Samsung,

I preordered your Galaxy Note 4 and I’m having a difficult time waiting until October 17th. As I comb the internet, I see lots of famous Android websites with hands-on impressions. I feel sad I haven’t had the pleasure of caressing the new Note 4. What is even worse, I’ve been kicked out of my local Best Buy for hugging the Galaxy Note 3 and crying on the big, beautiful screen. My left ventricle is palpitating with sadness!

As a crazy consumer of electronics, I think I qualify for an early hands-on preview, but I understand I’m a nobody and it would not help your company’s public relations one bit. I understand there are millions, if not billions of people, that would love to touch a Galaxy Note 4 early. I understand it is only 16 days away and I could, theoretically, wait that long. Unfortunately, I could get hit by a bus in my living room at any time. Buses have been known to crash through houses randomly. Because my life depends on touching a Galaxy Note, I want to tell you a bit about myself to plead my case.
I grew up in the backwoods of New Hampshire. At times I had to hunt wild squirrels for dinner and use their fur to knit blankets to keep warm in the harsh winters. Back in those days there was no cable TV and I only owned a 13 inch black and white TV. I stayed up late at night just to watch Benny Hill or Jonny Carson. On Saturdays I watched Saturday Night Live on my tiny TV. I don’t even think Samsung was a company back then, but I still wanted a Galaxy Note 4. I could feel it in my young bones calling for me.

As I grew up and popped out 3 babies, I needed the best electronics to keep my sanity. I needed them! Over the years I’ve become a faithful costumer of Samsung. Currently I own a Samsung 59 inch plasma TV, a 22 inch Samsung monitor, a Samsung SSD, and a pair of sweat pants I wrote SAMSUNG on the butt in permanent marker. I even named my youngest child Sam after you. Shoot, I even named my 2 cats Sam and Sung. I tried to tattoo my wife’s butt with the word Samsung, because I can watch her ass all day long, but she wouldn’t let me. You see, I’m your number 1 fanatic!

Sadly, I know your company has nothing to gain from me previewing your product. Currently my Nexus 5 is broken and it is hard to write this post. If you didn’t know, I have been writing blog posts for 6 years from a mobile phone. I first started with the iPhone 1 when it first came out and only recently I moved to an Android device to write my posts. I now know I should’ve bought the Galaxy Note 3 last year instead of the Nexus 5. I would be writing this on it and praising your glory from a Note 3. Hindsight is 60/40 I guess.

Shoot, I would love to have a Note 3 while I waited for my 4! Imagine how fanatical I would be then? Why bother though, you have my love and last born child already.
At this point in my post I’m feeling anger. It is part of the grieving process and I can fully accept that. Why am I nobody to you? I’ve spent trillions of dollars (with the current emotional state I’m in I might exaggerate a wee bit) on your company and billions of hours thinking about how my life would of turned out if I just bought a Galaxy Note 3. All my friends told me to buy it, but I had to have the new hotness Google released. I’m so angry with myself now! I feel like throwing my Nexus to the Moon! Only if I bought that Note 3 my life wouldn’t be in such a discombobulated state. I’m starting to regret marrying my first wife now. Actually, I kind of do anyways. She’s a nice person and all and now that she is older she is not so pretty. I feel a bit better about getting a divorce now. Time hasn’t been good to her. I bet the Galaxy Note 3 is still as beautiful as the first day it came off the assembly line.

Part of my grieving process, I feel better now. I feel like I can go on even with this whole in my soul the size of a Note 3 or 4. As I wrap up my love letter to you I would like you to think about me, the little consumer blogger. I want you to send this to your boss in tears pleading my case. I want you to tell him/her how moved you were when you read this and how I could make your company sand out among the other phone companies. How your company has the heart to lend the little guy a Note 3 or 4 so he can praise you on the social networks. No other company would do this for the little blogger man. You would stand out and receive millions more love letters from desperate bloggers trying to make a name for themselves in such a cruel world. I can be your first.

I know it seems like I just have my grubby hands out looking for a freebie, but I’m not. I just want to borrow the Note 3 or 4 while I wait to pay for my 4 on October 17th. I want to show the world Samsung is the best phone company. All those other companies are heartless pigs, but Samsung is different! They love the little guy like me. It’s the holy thing to do in such depressing times.

So go now and show the bosses this post. Show them and DM me on Twitter! I’ll gladly give you my info and cats Sam and Sung. I love you Samsung!

Remember, when you go to bed at night holding your Note 3. As you put your Note on silent, tuck it in, and fluff its pillow, know I’m writing this on a Nexus 5 crying the whole time. Know I could contract Ebola and die before October 17th because I didn’t write this on a Note 3 or 4. I’m starting to feel faint now…/cough /cough /gasp…


  1. Dear Mr Scary,

    Your words have moved us. We'll send over a pre-release version of the Galaxy Note 4 in the rare Obsidian Rainbow color by messenger bus. Be sure to open your living room slider to minimize the damage to your house.

    PS. By reading this comment you agree to not hold Samsung or it's subsidiaries responsible for any death, damage, or injury caused by our Super Sexy Samsung Mobile Delivery Bus.

  2. Dude, you could've shilled for a Gear VR to go with your Note 4. Missed opportunity.