Thursday, July 3, 2014

Women's Only Bathrooms at Finnish IeSF Tournament Outrages Male Competitors With Weak Bladders

Recently with the help of Blizzard Entertainment, the decision to have male-only e-sport competitions was overturned. The decision to let females play in all e-sport competitions at the Finnish tournament has been met with thousands of women signing up at the last minute to compete. Unfortunately, the venue reserved for the competition only had male bathrooms.

In an effort to not seem sexist, the Finnish IeSF representatives taped,  "Women Only"  over half the bathrooms in the facility. This has outraged teams sponsored by Mountain Dew and Monster Energy Drinks. Both teams are known to have extremely explosive diarrhea and recurring UTIs. A spokesman for team Dew had this to say:

"I have a doctor's note demanding at least 70% of the buildings I compete at have to have male bathrooms with a minimum of 16 stalls to poop in.  Even with 60% of the bathrooms here I have a 90% chance I'm going to shit my pants more than I normally shit them. That means I'm going to get a diaper rash. I can't win this tournament under these conditions. My adult diapers can only hold so much. "

A woman standing outside a random building was asked what she thought of this outrage. She had this to say:

"For years men have been pissing and shitting in the woods with only their bare hands to scrape the poo from their backside, why should they need a bathroom now? I say, set the computers up outside like real men. There's a tree, man it up! "

Being a man myself that normally urinates off top floor balconies at a hotel in a drunk stupor, I think not having male bathrooms at all is brilliant. For far too long men have sat on toilets becoming more and more female. We're soft! We can't let women suppress us anymore! We need to fight for our rights to party! No longer will we expect a bathroom and toilet paper lined with aloe! We will shit in the streets and wipe our asses with our bare hands! We will go to this tournament with crap under our fingernails wondering if it's chocolate or shit. Only a taste test will do! So men, stand up and fight for your manly hood and refuse all bathrooms! Now go make our species proud!

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