NBI Advice... NSFW... Ever...

I love the idea of the Newbie Blogger Intergalactic (NBI) league of superhuman writers.  It gives me hope blogging is not dead and humanity will be saved inside the minds of Minolta. I want to be a part of this league of extraordinary gentleman. I want to help the new bloggers, podcasters, streamers in a yellow submarine, or YouTubeites be all they can be in the Army.

Hence, I will go forth and compound a list of an undecided amount. Ahh, the joys of a 6 year mobile blogging career, my give a fuck begins and ends with the title of my post. After that, it's just all hot sweaty sex gravy poured over a juicy turduckin. You know what that is right? It's a turd shoved in a ducks ass while a turkey, chicken, quail, goose, and all its kin watch in horror. And I just put gravy on that!

Now that I've given you a taste of my peanut butter and fluffed you up, I'll pop this post out like a baby holding a jar of KY Jelly.

1. BE YOU: Really that doesn't mean shit if you're an attention whore like me. You should probably listen to my podcast it will help you understand. You'll just get pissed off if you think you're the next Tobold or River. Just relax and write. Be more like that other guy. He's a badass! Yup, I just pulled a Massively and scratched my own balls coming from my ass.

2. WORRY ABOUT YOUR STATS: That shit is like the stock market! Every time I write a post I refresh my stats page over and over until I decide to quit blogging for a month. I don't know how many times I told myself not to care if anybody reads my blog posts and I end up crying myself to sleep while my wife gives me limp dick a half-hearted hand job. In truth it's nerve wracking if you care about what you write. Stop lying to yourself and understand you blog because you require the attention and those stats quantify your worth. So refresh the crap out of your stats page and cry victory when a thousand hacker bots ping your page because you mentioned porn or WoW. Possibly, porn in WoW!

3. LOVE YOUR FELLOW BLOGGERS: Gawd, I love my fellow bloggers! Just the thought of Belghast's voice in AggroChat, Rowan's bushy beard, River in drag (Btw he is a sexy ass woman. Not so good as a man), Girl Grey's knee high rainbow socks, or Stargrace's beautiful soul, it makes me moist as a Duncan Hynes cake made entirely out of raw eggs and petroleum jelly. These people and hundreds more are what blogging is all about. The enlightening conversations I've had with bloggers like Tobold and William Murphy, would make you truly understand the shear craziness that goes into being a popular blogger. There are some serious assholes out there that have no idea who you are, but they assume who you are through your writing. Your fellow bloggers understand that one way or another and it's important to love the hell out of them and respect them.

4. READ AND COMMENT: Read whatever the hell you want and comment if you feel like it. There is no set list and there is no magic way of getting all the attention you want out of blogging. I read posts I want and I never frequently any blog. I'm a dick! Even my long standing blogger friends I don't read everything they write. I wish I could and I wish they didn't write boring post some times, but I can't read all that crap and nobody is always spot on with a post. I love them too death (their death not mine),  but I'm way too busy with myself all the time.

The same goes for commenting (which is dying so don't expect any), you don't have to comment on every damn blog unless you have ODC and the power of Christ compels you too. The way social media works today has made commenting on blogs a waste of time and a pain in the ass. It's easier to Tweet your opinion. Yes, you'll get noticed a lot faster if you do comment, but it take a lot of time. It's your time, so do what you want with it.

5. STYLE: This is the meat of your blog. I have no idea what my style is,  but people tell me I'm like a snail, but instead of a snail I'm a penis that moves like a snail. I slowly drag my sweaty balls across the Internet leaving a slimy, sticky, pungent smelling, trail of goo and dislodged pubic hairs. Yup, that sounds about right. That is the meat of my blog... Get it... meat? I just mushroom thumped your forehead with that baby!

You don't pick a style, you ooze it and sooner or later you discover that wet shit on the ground is you juicing. Some times you're like, "Da fuck is that me?"

You can either, A. Go to Walmart and buy adult diapers to cover that shit up or B. Wear a thong and let the kids play in Crocodile Ally. I prefer to wear assless chaps. People read me for my style because it's not a forced style I had to think about and plan; it's a style that just happened like sex with a $2 crack whore. You're walking down the street excited to have $2 in your pocket that is giving you a boner because it keeps gently brushing up against your gentiles, when all of a sudden, a $2 whore jumps out of the bushes and blows your wad. It's scary and you'll definitely catch a life long disease, but man, she could suck start the space shuttle.

CONCLUSION: I gave you 5 awesome tips so get the fuck out of here and start blogging! Most likely I won't read your blog, unless you comment on mine or follow me on Twitter or listen to my podcast or watch my Twitch stream or check out my YouTube channel or have sex with me and my wife at the same time. It's up to you now!

Oh and Scopique and Dragonchasers are my best buds too! Shit there are so many I love! If I forgot you please don't be asshat and say,  "what about me Scary?"  like Fuck dude! There are so many I love and wish I could link to.

Wildstar, The Elder Scrolls Online, World of Warcraft Oh My!

One day you're running though the field killing all the flowers; the next day your dead body is giving life to flowers some other asshole kid is going to trample over.

A new beautiful game is given life and it's human nature to crush the shit out if it so nobody else can enjoy it. Whether it's on purpose or by ignorant accident, people are so self-absorbed they don't care what they kill. Kill it with hate or love, it is still dead in the end.

It's a person's right to walk the path they walk and if their feet fall carelessly out of laziness, gingerly with love, or bat-shit crazy with hate, it's that person's right. Good on them for choosing the path they walk.

As I get older I've gotten more pains, seen the doctor's more frequently, and felt more and more weak inside and out. These new games spring up full of life and energy like I used to have.  The older they get the more withered and useless they become. Like me, they will die and be forgotten. But it's the journey we take not the end right? We breed to pass on our legacy and our memories.

Games are like our babies and through them we can express ourselves and pass on our life experiences. As we're parenting them through their adolescents we choose to love, ignore, or beat the living shit out of them because frankly, the baby is ugly and stupid. As a community of gamers we are the step-parents to these games when they launch. We didn't stay awake for 24 hours on launch day while the developers pushed their baby out their vagina. No! We came 4-5 years later holding a bottle of Jack Daniel's tugging at a ball of lint-yarn lodged in our bellybutton that smells like rotten cheese. As we drunkenly look down at our new kid we adopted we say to our loving, developer spouse,  " What the fuck were you thinking!"

From that moment on we decided how we're going to parent that child. Like the many flowers we've stepped on over the years, we choose how to proceed. Unfortunately as creatures of habit, we'll treat the game they way our parents treated us growing up. Of course, we're free willed too and we can choose a different path if we want. It's harder, but it could make the future of all games better. Most likely, we won't though.

In the end, you're going to be dead and that game you passionately loved or hated won't matter anymore. You're dead and most likely if you took the time to poor all your energy into loving or hating video games...

... You're like me and nobody is going to start a meme to remember you or set up a monument. We're just flesh waiting to nourish the spring flowers.

Wildstar Beta Impressions

Since August 17th of 2011, I've been following Wildstar. For some reason the game has clicked with me since that day. Sometimes you just know when you'll love something at first sight. Wildstar has been that game for me.

I want to be very serious in this post and put me heart out there for my readers. I want to start by apologizing to Carbine Studios and other fans of Wildstar.

As a silly blogger, I sometimes take things too far. I joke around and say horrible things about games just to get attention. I'm sorry. I feel I've alienate the whole Wildstar community and its developers with my asinine antics.  I'm sorry. I can't apologize enough to explain how sorry I am to everybody. I'm sorry.

If you don't know, the time has come to pre-order Wildstar and my punishment for that is my real life getting in the way of me being able to buy the game or play it. As you can tell by the tone of this post, I'm very saddened by this. There are things happening in my life that does not make it possible for me to buy Wildstar the rest of this year. My family has fallen on hard times. Because I think it is inappropriate to talk about these things on my blog, I will not go into detail. I'm just very down about it right now. I feel if I was a better member of the community these things might not be happening. I'm truly sorry.

The good thing is, I got a chance to play Wildstar. It was like a dream come true when I got in beta. Because of the NDA and my unfortunate situation, I haven't had time to write this. For the longest time I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to say without being a downer. My feelings towards this game and its awesome members are even stronger now. After playing the game, it became harder for me to accept my fate. I brought this upon myself and I deserve it.

Anyways, I'd like to talk about the game.

GRAPHICS

The game is simply beautiful to me. From the art style to the humor, its beautiful. The time I spent in beta I couldn't get over how much I love the way the game looks. When I got a chance to play the Chua I was close to tears of joy playing with the emotes. Carbine did an amazing job with the animations. I spent hours doing emotes over and over; I even made my wife and kids watch me do them. They are seriously the best emotes in ANY game to date.

GAMEPLAY

Like the graphics, this game was made for me. I loved the feel of the combat and Telegraphs. The whole feel of combat kept me engaged and excited. The only really complaint I had about the game was the UI and they're fixing that. I wish I could see the changes because I know it will not only make the screen look less bulky, it will enhance the combat. To me, the UI is a major factor in how the gameplay feels.  The UI improvements will surely be a plus for the gameplay.

I'm sorry I don't have much else to say about the game. I'm feeling a bit depressed about my situation right now. I know it's just a game and there is no reason to get upset, but I've been looking forward to this game for so long. Just last month I had my money ready to buy this game. Like a giant bolder of death, life came crashing down on me. I had a hard decision to make and I have several more to make the rest of this year. Right now it's very scary and I need to play it safe with my money. There are just too many bad things rolling down that hill.

The good thing is, I have a bunch of great friends on the Internet for support. Sometimes these people are too good. There are occasions they've done stuff for me and other community members that make me love them all the more. I'd like to ask them one thing this time: please as much as you might want to make me feel better, don't. You've all done enough and I adore all of you. Please, this time, do not do those things you do to cheer me up. It will just make me feel really bad if you do, you know what. I'm not writing this for you all to prove you're my friends. I know you are.

The point of this post is to tell Carbine and the fans of Wildstar how much of a jerk I've been. I've gotten the taste of my own bad medicine this time. I thought with my "funny" posts I could lighten up the community by poking fun at how serious they get towards Wildstar. Obviously, this has all backfired on me. While they are enjoying Wildstar, I'll only get to watch them on Twitch or YouTube.

One last time I want to say I'm sorry. I feel very bad right now and the game I've been excited to play for the past 2+ years, I will have to wait another 6 months or more. There are bad decisions I've made in the past that are catching up with me and foreclosing on my home is one of them. I'll just need to suck it up and move on. Right now, a great video game to help relax me is the least of my worries. I've aligned my priorities and hopefully in the future things will look brighter.

I'm going to close the comments on this post because good or bad, comments will just make me feel worse.

To all my gaming friends: you're all the best! Just know this will never be talked about by me again. I needed to get this off my chest with Wildstar so close to release. Any post from now on will only be ponies with rainbow hooves. Love you guys! I know a video game shouldn't get me so down, but I was just looking so forward to this one. It's my own fault really.

Sorry for such a crappy post, I feel bad for hitting publish. I'm only doing it because I feel if I don't, it will haunt me. Only other writers will understand that. I doubt anybody from Carbine or fans of Wildstar will even read this, but it just makes me feel better to apologize. I'm sorry. I'd like to apologize to Syp too. Again, I doubt he reads me, but I feel bad for being a jerk to him. I'm sorry about the mistakes in this blog post too. I can't bring myself to look at it again and edit it.

That's all, sorry.

Hello bitches. This is Mrs Scarybooster dropping in to say hi. Enjoy the cats. Note: I am on his phone so these are all his original cat pics.

Why are MMOs Even Made?

I've asked this exact question to a bunch of bloggers and most of the answers I got were feelings of negativity towards the genre, IPs being "stolen"  for profit, or fanboism.

The main reason I was wondering, was because MMOs, in general, are too risky to expect a profit. The main problem with asking my fellow bloggers are, they form their theories around abstract ideas of why. Just like I do. I want to believe a game is made because companies love gaming and they love socializing, like me. But if you take a small look at the gaming community you'll realize, that idea is even stupider than the financial one.

One of the major arguments that always surfaces when a new game come out is, "how much am I going to pay for this game?"

The gamer thinks: "I want it all to be free! Shit why aren't they paying me to play their game?"

The investors think: "We want all the money! We except first born too."

The developer thinks: "I want my paycheck and I hope this game lasts forever. Please don't get fired!"

Without mentioning games or payment models, I wanted to get to the main reason MMOs are made. Not what the game is or the IP, but simply the genre and why.

We all know every game should and could be a single player game with or without multiplayer aspects. That's not the point. On the flip side every game could be an MMO. The problem with trying to fit a game into a genre is perspective. Not the developers' or your perspective, but everybody's perspective.

As a gamer you look at a game according to what you think is fun. The fun factors are different for everybody. You could be a person that loves shooters and hates realistic graphics. You could love only MMOs no matter what they look like or what sub-genre they're based off. The possibilities are endless. Another factor is money. This is a big factor and easier to nail down whether you'll play a game or not based on how much you're willing to pay. It's always a sore spot for everybody. There are different breaking points for everybody and again, I'm not going to psycho-analyze it because, frankly, I'm too stupid to do that.

What fail to understand is, these games are business only to some people. You think, I know that, but can you truly fathom that? These people slap down more money than you'll make in your lifetime in one check. You think your butt hurts when a game company has the NERVE to charge you this or that? Think of the guy that just put millions down so you could complain about $50. Remember how pissed of you were when you lost or broke something you just paid for? Now times that by a million.

I'm not trying to sway anybody into a gentler way of thinking about MMOs because compared to what they've invested in a game, our opinions are ignorant and narrow-minded. I think to help people understand, they might want to open a window in their box they're living in to get some fresh air from time to time.

I'll put it simple:

The bitching and complaining about why a game charges this or why a perfectly good single player game is now made a single player MMO just to rob me of my money, is fucking dumb. Pull your gamer head out of your ass and think about things bigger than you.

I look at the gaming community and think, wow these spoiled little shits complain about everything.

Then I pull my head out of my ass and realize it's not just the gaming community, it's the whole fucking human race. Yes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and we keep greasing that wheel. It's a helpless cycle that will doom us all. Go on, pick a random topic and a random forum and you'll see. Granny Quilt Making Club... Betcha some old bitch is on the forums right now complaining about the prices of thread.

None of this stops at gaming. People live their lives devoted to religion of peace and love. Monday-Saturday they're out butchering their neighbors because their neighbor refuse to believe what they believe. You sit their and whine about your $60 game on your $500 system because it's your RIGHT to have your opinion. Just like it's my right to call you fucking stupid for your opinion. This community or any community is going nowhere, but to hell.

I spent the other day to taking care of a puppy that was beaten by its previous owner. That person had nothing better to do than beat the living shit out of a dog they choose to own. That dog hated me because I was like that evil owner he had.

Naturally, a dog is a predator humans domesticated for their personal reasons. Over hundreds of years dogs became less of predators and more dependent on humans to live. They became loving companions. We genetically change their purpose for our own purpose. Dogs are beautiful animals that are extremely loyal. Then, some fuck beats a puppy. I have to slowly gain the trust and love from that animal because of that simple-minded prick that had the RIGHT to do what he wanted.

I have 3 amazing children. Over the years I've taught them the most important thing they will ever learn, love. I've cheered my kids on, I've shown them what a real parent is. My job as a parent is to love my kids. That love has made them the most respectful and loving kids. They would never go on the Internet and act like most of the fucktards that populate it. They' ve been taught to respect the opinion and decisions of others while being curious enough as to "why".

I'm not the dad of the century or anything, but my kids are the best. That dog didn't want me to leave his side when I had to go. He wanted me to touch him and love him even though he knew the next pat could hurt.

We're all entitled to our opinions good or bad. Like pats they can be soft or painful. Like children we can show our love with support or screaming about what they did wrong. Any community is like an animal or child, you have to love and respect it or it will bite your fucking hand off. So next time you want to express your opinion, think about who it will affect and how.

What does this all have to do about: Why are MMOs Even Made?

Well I asked that exact same question to a REAL expert. A guy that has made MMOs, not a blogger. A man I think is brilliant and has always been a straight shooter. I asked Derek Smart this question (just a note, you say anything negative about him to me, I'll consider it an attack on myself personally. He is the only developer that gives me the time of day to talk to me like a person not potential customer to his game.). He answered:

"A lot of folks originally found value in Software As A Service (SAAS) and during that time, they all figured that it would be so much more profitable to make a massive game that would be a source of recurring revenue. 

Never again did you have to spend five years and millions of dollars on a one-off game that you had to make lamb sacrifices in the hope that they make money; let alone turn a profit. No, instead, they were going to make one game, then charge gamers a monthly fee to play it. Kinda like cable. But with more fun. Because gamers.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of EA (last I checked, they started this shit over here - of course), some guy in a suit crunched an ass-ton of numbers. And thus SAAS came to gaming.

Of course back in the day, when the whole notion was still in its infancy, a bunch of companies (e.g. EA, Funcom, SOE) made a killing.

Then as it always happens in our industry, everyone wanted to jump into the fray because they saw it as a quick way to make money.

Most failed. And in some cases spectacularly.

While all that was going down, overseas where the cost of living is low, the advent of F2P took off. Once those Asian companies started bringing that over here - again - everyone hopped on.

The suits in finance were once again, back in business.

Then as it always happens in our industry, everyone wanted to jump into the fray because they saw it as a quick way to make money.

Most failed. And in some cases spectacularly.

See the pattern?

While all that was going down, a bunch of rubbish F2P games started to flood the market. And in true fashion, the glut came, gamers got hip to the fact that they were actually a part of a massive shaft-worthy snow job. That aside from the fact that, well, there's only so much money to be made and gamers, being the stingy bastards that they really are start picking sides.

Then they rebelled. To the extent that any MMO that has F2P associated with it, immediately got trashed (though in truth, most were trash).

Seemingly overnight, the MMO landscape went from the money-grabbing Gold rush that it was supposed to be to the pan-handling metric that F2P turned out to be.

The subscription model started to die once more games with a cheaper barrier of entry - aka F2P - started to hit the landscape.

To make things worse, MMO gaming had gone from I give you game, you give me money to a crap load of metric-laden bullshit with acronyms that most of the people who make up that shit, couldn't even remember, let alone explain. We're talking ARPU, ARPPU, ARPMU, ARPMU and all that. In fact, IIRC, they had ARPSU* in there as well - just to be sure that someone was actually paying attention. 

Don't take my word for it @nicholaslovell has made an entire career out of deciphering that F2P bullshit and he's the utmost authority on it last time I checked. If you want to make head or tails of the landscape, you should follow him, read his blogs etc. If nothing else, it will massage and light up the parts of your brain that process meaningless acronyms.

There is nothing wrong with SAAS in a gaming model. It all boils down to how it is implemented.

So why do F2P games still get made? Well because we can make them and because when presented with the lowest barrier of entry, even your dog will want in on the action. Good luck getting the pooch to pay up though. And that's the challenging part of F2P. "

What does that mean? To me it means the MMO genre is as fucked as its community. MMOs are an investor's dream for potential lifetime income. It's a risky endeavor,  but they thrive on the risk. It also means, they don't give a shit about your opinion. You're like a roach they just crushed beneath their $200 loafers. Feels good you bitched and complained countless times about this game or that game, doesn't it?  Feels good you cared enough to have an opinion that will never change shit.

For once stop fucking complaining about games you'll never play anyways. That type of toxic behavior will only ensure you'll never see the game you REALLY want to play. No matter if that game pays you to sit on your ass like all of us gamers dream about. Not to mention the developers will never have to worry about money or criticism again. The investors can ride the magic money carpets into the sunset.

MMOs are made... You decide for yourself.

Pushing Out Content

As I sat in the sperm bank yesterday hitched up to the Man-Nip-U-Later watching an old man dig out a sloppy hole with a plastic cup and I thought, I need quality content not a convoluted hot mess!

Later that day I walked by the OB/GYN, tripped in a pot hole and fell face first on a moist, hot bun at the hotdog vendors cart and thought, there are billions of black holes out there waiting to suck an unsuspecting man in. It's scary to think how many blog posts I've done that have holes in them.

It's weird how life sends you signals when you least expect them. Just like last week when I was eating a bunch of crap food watching some construction workers lining up at the port-a-potty during break time. Some where physically distressed and were on the verge of shitting their pants when I thought to myself, the world is a shitty place at times. One moment we feel fine, the next we're watching an old man digging up turds with a Dixie cup.

I'm almost 40 and that means I need to get my prostate checked next year. I wonder what the doctor is the king when he shoves a finger in my ass?  Oh gawd, I didn't clip my fingernails today. If my glove breaks I'm going to have to dig shit out of it over my lunch. I thought I could push out 300 blog posts this year, but right now I'm about 30 behind. I need to push more content out. I don't want it to be crap though. I guess it's ok to get behind.

I think after I leave the sperm bank I'll go to the donut shop. I haven't had a good Boston Cream donut in a long time. I imagine some guy has made himself happy in the filling at one time or another. I just hope it's not the best donut I've ever had. Sometimes I think about it and tell myself, if I hit a hot pocket I'll switch to red jelly and hope women don't fill those.

My whole thought process has gotten out of hand in this post. I'm left with a half empty bottle of Jergens and a used tissue. I can't think of anything remotely good today. I'm sure as I leave the depository I'll think of something mind blowing... or not.

Boy Learns The Internet

"Son, today is your 10th birthday.
I'm going to teach you the Internet today."

"Wow dad, that sounds exciting! "

"Oh it is, but it can be frightening! "

" That sounds scary to me. "

" Fear not son, I'll teach you what to see. "

" Great, I can't wait to see it dad. "

" Just follow my exact directions
and we'll avoid unwanted erections"

"What is that dad? "

" It's not for you lad. "

" Oh it doesn't sound fun to look up. "

" Never search for 2 girls and a cup. "

" Is that a scary game adults play? "

" I hope not! It's to entertain in a way. "

" I don't like the sound of it.
How about we look at a new mit? "

" Awesome! Let me Google that. "

" Dad, where is Google at? "

" Google is everywhere and it knows what you want.
You can search this, that and find a funny font."

" Oh cool let me do that quick. "

" No son, you wrote the word dick! "

" Daddy, that man is holding his thing. "

" Quick son look away from his ding! "

" Why is he putting it in her mouth? "

" Fuck son, look to the South! "

" What's going on dad?
Why is she so glad? "

" Shit your mom is going to kill me! "

" It's ok dad maybe she'll want to see. "

" Oh man, she is going to be mad. "

" Look dad, that's mom and she looks glad. "

" What? Your mother is on this site?
Odd it says, live stream last night. "

"Didn't mom say she was at school?"

"Yes son,  she's been playing me as a fool. "

" Maybe this is her class course? "

" Either way, we're going to divorce! "

99 Problems and a Game Ain't 1

If you're having game problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems but a game ain't one

99. You can't afford games, but you buy them anyways

98. Your wife is a bitch and won't let you play games

97. You gotta job and can't play games

96. You haven't had sex in a year because you play too many games

95. Your Internet connection sucks

94. You murdered a man over a game and now you're in prison

93. You're too smart and good for games.

92. Your failing school because you play games too much

91. Red Ring of Death... Fuck that shit!

90. Your graphics card needs an upgrade

89. You reproduced

88. Fired from your job

87. You bought the SWTOR CE and still hold a grudge against games

86. Porn

85. Windows 8

84. You bought a next-gen console that has 0 games worth playing

83. You're waiting for PC gaming to die

82. Your dog is in heat and it pissed on your PC

81. Your fat and the doctor told you to get off your ass

80. Midlife crisis

79. You blog about games instead of playing games

78. Forums depress you too much

77. You're sick

76. Your husband masturbates to JRPGs

75. You're too busy checking Twitter or Facebook

74. You refuse to pay $60 and a monthly fee

73. You're a dick and you nitpick every game that comes out so much so going makes you unhappy

72. You read Massively and think it's good...

71. Free to play games are beneath you

70. You've backed every potential Kickstarter MMO

69. You're having sex right now while you're reading this /high-five

68. You're now cleaning the sex juices off your face

67. Game of Thrones is on

65. Brandon Sanderson came out with a new book... See you in 6 months

64. You get on headset while you're playing Call of Duty

63. You do Crossfit and your hands hurt too bad to grip a mouse or controller

62. You're getting a divorce because of #98 and #86

61. You're too cool to play games

60. You and your wife got drunk and you flashed her tits on PS4 Twitch

59. You're in surgery to get the TV remote removed from your ass after a rage

58. You forgot to attach your Wii controller strap to your wrist

57. You live in Colorado or Washington and you have your priorities

56. Your momma told you video games rot your brain

55. You get a new partner and you're in the courting phase

54. You still believe in the "Good ol'days" of gaming

53. You think your opinion matters to help development of games

52. You're a member of a fan site

51. Holy shit I'm only 1/2 way

50. You read chat in an MMO beta hoping WoW isn't mentioned

49. You take off of games to watch the Olympics... Just sad

48. You're at Starbucks right now writing your novel instead of gaming

47. You tell people what to do in pick up groups

46. You role play in games

45. You're a feminist and you get in a conversation with River

44. You believe EA

43. The cable guy hasn't showed up yet

42. You let your teenage son use the Internet when you weren't home.

41. And you forgot to update your virus protection program

40. You believe game hype and buy everything, but you have nothing to play

39. You're a woman gamer and you tell random  strangers that.

38. You tell every woman gamer you're a nice guy as you send them a picture of your penis

37. You think trolls are funny and mimic them

36. You think developers will follow you on Twitter if you're nice

35. You think you'll become famous streaming on Twitch or YouTube

34. You expect others to love the games you love

33. You constantly compare old games to new games

32. You're afraid it's a cash grab scam

31. You're going bald, you found a gray pube, and you're single. Nobody will love you as a gamer

30. You accidentally shot sperm on your $200 mechanical keyboard. Yup you popped that Cherry max

29. You have a blog and you think you're funny

28. Your in the military and you buy MMOs. By the time you get back from your deployments your guild has quit the game and disbanded... Assholes!

27. You theorycraft so much gaming is more of a job than fun

26. You think people are not all selfish

25. You only buy indie games because those developers are honest

24. You start a long distance relationship with someone that sends you a picture of when they were in high school. 300lbs and 10 years later

23. Seriously if you don't exercise your heart will stop and you won't be playing anything

22. You get a degree in game design and expect to be hired.

21. You beg for beta keys

20. You go to gaming expos and forget your deodorant

19. You think WoW is going to fail after they lose 1 million subscribers lulz

18. You think new MMOs will be "revolutionary"

17. Kill ten rats quests makes you mad

16. You're a guy that acts disabled to get money playing games

15. You pretend you're a girl to get free things in games

14. You take a week off work for a headstart

13. You game on a Mac

12. You're reading this

11. You play and love Candy Crush Saga

10. You game late at night and drink ridiculous amounts of caffeine to stay awake during the day.

9. You don't think Lord British is crazy.

8. If this isn't your game this time, you quit gaming forever

7. You grow up

6. You read beta impressions and take them to heart

5. Your guild and friends quit playing a game

4. Your account gets hacked

3. You're still broke from the Steam Holiday sale

2. You're waiting for it to go free to play

1. You bitch about games more than you enjoy them.

The Elder Scrolls Online is Worse than SWTOR

(Disclaimer: I've played TESO a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT! What that means is, I know what I'm talking about. My ideas and opinions are ironclad. In less than a month you'll know what I'm talking about, so don't be sad when you're disappointed. I told ya so!)

CHARACTER CREATION:

The second you log into the game you have to create a character. This annoyed me right away. I think it's a stupid idea to have people create characters in this game. It goes against everything that is Elder Scrolls. The game is supposed to be based on the REAL Elder Scrolls world and if it is real all characters should be born. You should start as a baby and get no choice what you look like. Your parents didn't care they were too ugly to have children. They didn't buy some slide rule to touch up your nasty face. This is real and starting out by having choice is dumb.

I spent a good amount of time trying not to get too pissed off about all the options. It was way more than SWTOR and frankly, that game failed because of the piss poor character creation. Too many things to adjust makes people think they are living in some kind of fantasy world. Games like these should be cut and dry with their characters.

WAILING PRISON :

This is as far as I got in this horrible game. I spent 3 days of beta in a prison room banging a cup against a dead body while some scary ass ghost guarding the door. I can't believe this game is just 1 room and it cost $60 plus $15 a month. I understand character creation is going to take most players 9 months just to conceive a baby, but after that this game has no content. I see this going free to play faster than World of Warcraft did.

There isn't much else to say about the game play, but it lacks depth and content. Maybe later they'll patch in a way to get out of that room.

COMBAT:

I've done a lot of research on this game and I've watched tons of videos. Every time I see one it gets my blood boiling because I know it's all a lie. This game doesn't have combat at all. The only other things you could possibly kill are already dead in your cell. I clicked through all the menus and couldn't find anything to kill in them. I did see a menu for bugs, but when I hit it, it pulled up a bunch of words I didn't understand. Zenimax might want to add in some combat before it releases.

GRAPHICS :

HORRIBLE! I was running the game on a Duo core with 2mb ram and an Nvidia 1800 TI. The game was a slide show and full of glitch in pixels. I know this is beta, but if I can't even move and my computer keeps blue screening every 5 seconds, the game is going to fail hard.

Just last week I played Fallout on max settings with my computer and I didn't have a lick of problems. Of course, that was made by Interplay and not that horrible company that took over the Fallout franchise. It's sad when great companies get bullied into selling their amazing franchises and they have to watch it disintegrate right before their eyes. Just like when Blizzard sold Diablo to EA.

UI:

There wasn't one.

PVP:

None at launch.

PAY MODEL:

RIDICULOUS! They expect people to pay $60 for a digital download! You don't even get a box or a disk. I remember when I got 8 disks, cloth map, a mouse pad, directions, and stickers for $40. They don't give you anything anymore. You have to surf the Internet for a code then pay money to add that code just to play the game. Not only that, they're charging $15 a month to play the game. Nobody does that. Who do they think is going to play a game with a monthly fee? Surely, not millions of people.

SWTOR did their fans right by going totally free to play. Granted I've never played SWTOR because it's based on a fictional setting, but none the less, it was a great game you can play for free without restrictions whatsoever. Elder Scrolls Online needs to do that or they will fail. A business can only thrive on giving players everything for free and if they want to donate through Western Union, they can. I know this emu has been beaten, but games shouldn't charge people to make money. It's just bad business.

GROUP CONTENT:

Sadly, This is purely a single player game. There is nothing to do in a group. I didn't group because at level 1 thru 1 you can't group. I'm sure if the game had levels beyond 1, it would have grouping I wouldn't do. It's just easier to not group and prove the point it is a single player game.

Most of my life people don't speak to me. A game like this just proves my point I'm not hated, I just prefer to be alone and sad. I'm sure more people feel this way, but I don't care to talk to them. I'm never proven wrong because I never try to discover new things. My life is sad and I want to cry. I play video games to get away from my troubles. I'm eating hotdogs 2 at a time right now, but nobody watches me on Webcam. I could fit 3 if you'd watch me.

This is purely a single player game and it's going to fail. SWTOR name inserted here. I don't know anybody that is going to play this game, let alone beta test the systems prior to launch.

IP:

I don't want to dog the IP they made up for this game, but it's kind of stupid. Really who is going to enjoy a game about old people and books? You sit in a prison reading books until you die of old age... I'm not buying it.

Conclusion:

The game sucks and I pre-ordered the most expensive option to prove how much it sucks. Spending that kind of money entitles me to that opinion. I might even buy 2 copies so I can dress the statues up and play with them in the bath. I'm sure Darth Vader and GI Joe won't mind the company.

The facts are laid out before you. I'd greatly advise against reading anybody else's impressions. They are just all convoluted fanboys or uninformed haters. I've given you concrete facts gathered from 1 beta weekend where I spent 3 days eating several hotdogs at a time trying to leave the prison. I'd say don't buy the game, but you should buy the game. The worst thing in the world is to not experience anything that could make you upset or happy. It's just stupid not understanding the feeling of getting in a game and not understanding what to do. You have to see it for yourself to not understand.

White Guy Jailed for Being Fanboy

Yesterday a man described as a white male, with manly features, standing about this tall, was jailed on suspicion of being a serial fanboy. The police had this to say about the suspect,

"He is white. We've been closely monitoring his online activity for several months now. We have proof he has been overly excited about several other games in the past. Investors are searching his blog posts for buried information as we speak. "

Earlier today a reporter interviewed his wife and this is what she had to say,

" He's white. I was shocked at first, but when I replaced the light bulbs in the bedroom I noticed it right away. I tried not to show my fear, but when he got on the computer late at night and started blogging about video games, I got terrified. I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police. "

After further investigation the police discovered he was fired from his job at the local video game store. His ex-supervisor went on record,

" We knew he was white. We're an equal opportunity employer and frankly, mostly white guys apply where we work. We had to let him go because the customers were complaining he was too excited about  - censored-. We just can't condone that type of behavior. "

The evidence keeps piling up. Investigators have discovered:

1. Hard drives filled with numerous fan site templates.

2. Thousands of screenshots from betas.

3. Cookies from gaming websites exceeding porn cookies 10 fold

4. Schematics on how to build cosplay outfits.

5. Comments on other blogs arguing why his game is better than anything ever.

6. Posts on gaming forums attacking anybody that criticized his game.

7. Several social media accounts made with "fanboyish"  names.

8. Tanning lotion

9. YouTube "First Impressions"  videos liked and favored.

10. Overly aggressive towards casual gamers.

The mayor expressed his deepest sympathy towards any of the victims that came in contact with the accused. In a press conference live moments ago he said,

"This is just plain disgusting! I'm saddened by this tragedy and I will be contacting the president for disaster relief. As a community we need to learn the signs of fanboyism before this type of damage is done to our citizens again. I only can go home tonight an hold my family tight and hope they never see this again in their lifetime. "

As the news breaks we will keep you informed. This is indeed a dark day in our history. We can only hope there is a speedy trial and he is put to death before he can write a book in prison.

Game Community Appreciation Week

When: March 10-14th

Where: Here

Who: Me

Why: I feel like it

What: Appreciating what it is to be part of a gaming community.

How: Care stare!

For the past 5 years on various blogs I've had a thing called Developer Appreciation Week (DAW). Every March I tried to instill pride in the gaming community and just appreciate what developers do without all the complaining, hate, and rage.

The problem with DAW was, it was narrow-minded. It didn't encompass everybody that made games happen. Developers are great and all to appreciate, but what about the IT guys, community managers, podcasters, bloggers, lawyers that draw up NDAs, or that one guy that has a million posts on forums before the game even gets out of alpha? These are all the people that make up the development process of a game. They are the passionate and the positive in our community.

So, I'd like to spend a week talking about the really cool things that go into the community aspect of game development. I'm even planning on interviews with real people. I haven't asked them, but I'll send out my interview questions this week. No its not going to be big time developers like Smedley, Smart, Lord British, or Jacobs because they don't answer my emails. It's going to be real people that answer my emails. That doesn't mean they're any less. On the contrare mon frare, it means that person is exactly the person I want to interview; they perfectly represent what it means to be part of a gaming community.

When I did DAW I wanted other bloggers to mimic my enthusiasm for developers. Unfortunately, it never really got as enthusiastic as I wanted it to. So instead of expecting other bloggers to do anything, I really don't care if they do or don't. I'm doing this because I want to; because I want to show my application for the gaming community and what it totally involves,  not just the developers in the spotlight.

It all comes down to caring and making the gaming community I follow a better place for me. I read forums and gaming news sites like Massively or MMORPG.com (which are the best gaming writers in the world!). The community of these sites are just shit. We empower people to act like asshats with articles that only serve to anger people. We all know talk about payment models will bring out jerks. OK it is $15 a month... fuck who cares!

We let people talk about the negative things just to get clicks and add to paychecks. I love my paycheck and all, but at what price am I willing to cash it? Pitting games against each other and bringing up past failures brings our community down. I can't help that. I know now I'm just a little guy that can't change the way we as gamers, show the world we're not 12 year old boys that have never seen a pair of tits behind a keyboard.

That said, I don't mind an honest bad preview or review. I mind the baiting. The Internet is filled with assholes and gamers are stereotyped as raging morons. How many articles are written a year reminding the world how stupid gamers are and how they're influenced enough by them to walk into a mall and shoot people? Of course we know it's not the video game and it's underlying mental issues that required medical help. But of course our society looks down on mental issues in a negative way, only to punish the people with the problems instead of helping them. Again, we see our hateful society is to blame, but instead of fixing the problem, we point the finger at someone else.

I'm just one guy. I can't save the gaming community in 1 week or ever. If I don't try to do my part, I'm just as guilty as the rest. I love games and the gamers. I wish people were more positive. I love breasts too. Just sick of being ashamed of being a gamer because 90% of the gamers that are popular are negative and the only reason they are popular is because they attract attention to more negative people. The good people are too ashamed to say anything. They read silently and lurk around the Internet scared to say anything nice because of the pack of hyenas waiting for them. Sooner or later the nice people give up or join the pack if they ever hope to be anything in the gaming community. It's just sad.

I'm going to take a week to do my own thing and appreciate everybody in the gaming community. I'm going to pretend it's all unicorns with rainbow hooves shitting rose petals. It's going to be my own thing. I hope you read me that week and enjoy what I write. If you don't... Meh oh well, at least I'll feel great to be a gamer. For once I won't be ashamed of the truthful things I write. Maybe it should be called Gamer Pride Week instead?