Fortuna is DOOMED, the Tenno are Too Busy Painting Their Warframes to Save Us, and Legs is Selling What?!

By the Ventkids News Network (VNN)

Emergency broadcast overriding all vents, pipes, and coolant channels from Fortuna

Check-check, glinties! Look up from your wrenches and panic! The coolant towers ain't the only things freezing over today. The clouds above Orb Vallis are turning a nasty, glowing purple, and our hacked Corpus dishes just tracked a fleet of massive Sentient Murex ships popping out of the Void. They are parking right over our heads, and it is a total cosmic bummer-buzz. This is pure Independence Day horror, logic-choppers! Massive, ugly shadows are blocking out our sky, and Nef Anyo just fled the temple in a golden escape pod. The Sentients aren't here to tax us—they are here to vaporize the whole planet, and absolute mayhem has taken over the ducts. Nobody is skating, everybody is screaming, and the vents are shaking because we are all gonna die!

We ran around the pipes to see how the crew is handling the end of the world, and it is a total madhouse down here. Our top board builder, Boon, is completely losing his logical mind, frantically throwing mods at anything that moves while yelling that the score counters are broken and he’s taping three flechette launchers onto a single K-Drive so we can grind right up their landing struts. Meanwhile, Roky has given up entirely and accepted the Void. She is just sitting on a pile of scrap, clutching her favorite wrench, and staring blankly at the ceiling, waiting for the giant laser to turn us into blue sludge.

Over at the pens, The Business is coding absolute red, trying to fit a tracking tag onto a giant Sentient drop ship while screaming into three radios at once, asking why the Tenno are completely ghosting our comms and telling Space Mom to pick up her phone. Little Duck is the only one not crying into the coolant; she’s just in the backroom slamming Amprex batteries into her pockets, telling everyone to move it or get melted because if those greedy little bastards aren’t coming to save us, we have to blast them ourselves.

If you think you can buy your way out of this, Legs is currently running a last-minute apocalypse insurance special down at his shop. For the low price of five-hundred-thousand credits, he will personally guarantee your left robotic arm survives the orbital bombardment, though the policy explicitly notes that the survival of the rest of your body, Fortuna itself, or Legs' own business is absolutely not covered, and there are no refunds once we all turn into sludge.

We even hacked straight into the Digital Extremes mainframe to find out why the Tenno are completely missing in action during this catastrophe, and it turns out the whole squad is stuck at TennoCon 2026 afterparty celebration. 

While Venus burns, those greedy little metal monsters are too busy farming loot and painting their frames pretty colors! We spam-called Lotus herself, screaming into the Void-comms for a localized planetary extraction, but she just told us to hold on because they are currently revealing a new infested boyband and showing off a shiny Excalibur skin, meaning our catastrophic global annihilation will just have to wait for the next hotfix. The patch notes for today are literally just going to say that they fixed a bug where Venus existed.

This is it, Tenno. The massive alien shadow is officially parking right over the Fortuna elevator and the metal mimics are already crawling down the ventilation shafts. The sky is gone, the dev-gods have abandoned us, and the mayhem is one-hundred percent real. Grab your boards, kiss your wrenches goodbye, turn your exhaust fans backward to keep the Tau radiation out, and brace for impact!