Easy Crocheting for Tenno

 

My wife said to me last month, “Scary, which is your fake name that is not your name but I will name you that for this post, video games are an easy mind-numbing hobby. You need to better yourself in your old age. You need an engaging hobby that uses brain power like crocheting.”

To prove her wrong, a started the easy hobby of crocheting. How hard can it be?

If you play Warframe, you know the baseline emotional state of game is chronic inventory management. Digital Extremes has built an economy that makes the real-world financial system look like a toddler’s lemonade stand. Anything is easier than understanding Warframe. We aren't just managing money; we are managing an interstellar hoard of over 170 distinct ways to pay for a single digital shoulder pad. I assumed crocheting  is way easier to relax after a grueling 6-hour survival mission farming rare drops.

So, I bought 40 giant balls of fluffy chenille blanket yarn. I thought, "This will be a simple, cozy craft. No math. No grinding. Just soft, plush vibes."

I was an idiot.

As it turns out, the yarn community is just as intensely nerdy, math-heavy, and toxic-drop-rate restricted as the Origin System. I sat down with my hoard and realized I had just stepped into a real-life Foundry. Every single one of my 40 giant balls of yarn maps perfectly to a specific space currency or crafting material. Here is the manifestation of my galactic grind, sitting on my living room floor.

The Core Currency Stash (Balls 1 to 7)

My foundational balls of yarn represent the financial backbone of my operation. If I mess these up, the whole economy collapses.

• Ball 1: Credits Yarn. The biggest, most basic gray ball. It is the workhorse of the entire blanket. Without it, nothing else can be connected.
• Ball 2: Platinum Yarn. A shiny, premium skein that I am almost too terrified to touch. I feel like I need to trade it to someone else for better hooks.
• Ball 3: Orokin Ducats Yarn. A majestic skein. I only allowed myself to use this after tearing apart old, half-finished projects and sacrificing them to the crafting gods.
• Ball 4: Standing Yarn. A massive ball that took weeks of repetitive daily tasks just to earn the right to buy.
• Ball 5: Nightwave Cred Yarn. A seasonal colorway. Missing out on using this ball feels like failing a direct challenge from a space pirate radio host.
• Ball 6: Aya Yarn. A pristine, pale skein used exclusively to unlock older, legendary patterns.
• Ball 7: Regal Aya Yarn. The ultra-premium skein. It feels like I spent real cash just to have it sitting safely in my basket.

The Star Chart Materials (Balls 8 to 22)

These are the everyday materials and the rare drops that block your blueprints.

• Ball 8: Ferrite Yarn. Sturdy, basic gray yarn. It forms the structure but has absolutely zero glamour.
• Ball 9: Alloy Plate Yarn. A dense, heavy fiber. Useful, but I swear I have way too much of this blocking my doorway.
• Ball 10: Nano Spores Yarn. A strangely fuzzy skein that seems to multiply when I am not looking. I keep finding pieces of it on my clothes.
• Ball 11: Polymer Bundle Yarn. A crucial, slippery fiber. I am constantly running out of this, and the grind to get more is exhausting.
• Ball 12: Salvage Yarn. Literally just the scraps left over from previous projects that I have knotted back together.
• Ball 13: Circuits Yarn. A brightly colored skein that keeps the rows running in a perfectly straight line.
• Ball 14: Cryotic Yarn. A freezing cold blue yarn. Working with it makes my fingers numb, but it is necessary for structural reinforcement.
• Ball 15: Plastids Yarn. A stubborn, textured yarn that feels like a bottleneck to my entire evening's progress.
• Ball 16: Argon Crystal Yarn. A beautiful, glowing violet yarn. The catch? If I don't crochet with it within 24 hours, the fibers literally disintegrate into dust.
• Ball 17: Orokin Cell Yarn. A pristine, golden skein. Every major section of the blanket demands at least one of these to activate.
• Ball 18: Neurodes Yarn. A weird, organic-looking ball of fiber that looks like it is staring back at me from the basket.
• Ball 19: Neural Sensors Yarn. A high-tech neon skein essential for making sure my plush toys actually look symmetrical.
• Ball 20: Morphics Yarn. A shape-shifting variegated yarn that looks completely different depending on the lighting.
• Ball 21: Gallium Yarn. A smooth, metallic-sheen yarn that feels slightly oily to the touch.
• Ball 22: Control Module Yarn. I have thousands of these in-game, and somehow I still bought one in real life out of sheer muscle memory.

Landscape & Endgame Drops (Balls 23 to 40)

These skeins represent the absolute madness of open-world landscapes and high-level progression upgrades.

• Ball 23: Cetus Wisp Yarn. A floating, wispy lace weight that kept escaping my hands while I was trying to wind it.
• Ball 24: Iradite Yarn. A harsh, rocky-textured yarn harvested entirely from the edges of my living room rug.
• Ball 25: Marquise Thyst Yarn. A beautiful, cut-gem purple yarn that required precision tension just to handle.
• Ball 26: Toroid Yarn. A neon pink ball that I had to fight three other shoppers in the craft aisle to secure.
• Ball 27: Thermal Sludge Yarn. A thick, goo-like chenille that builds up rows incredibly fast but leaves a mess.
• Ball 28: Fass Residue Yarn. A glowing orange yarn that smells vaguely like a swamp but looks fantastic in the dark.
• Ball 29: Vome Residue Yarn. A glowing blue alternative to Fass. It feels much calmer to work with.
• Ball 30: Pathos Clamp Yarn. A twisted, rope-like jumbo yarn earned only by completing an entire emotional cycle of frustration.
• Ball 31: Voidplume Pinion Yarn. A feathered, elegant yarn from the Zariman tileset that makes the blanket look high-end.
• Ball 32: Entrati Lanthorn Yarn. The rarest yarn in the house. If I drop this ball under the couch, the entire project is paused for a week.
• Ball 33: Necracoil Yarn. A metallic, coiled yarn that keeps tangling itself into impossible knots.
• Ball 34: Stela Yarn. A dark, void-infused fiber that seems to swallow the ambient light in the room.
• Ball 35: Cubic Diodes Yarn. A perfectly square-wound cake of yarn used for building the border of the blanket.
• Ball 36: Carbides Yarn. A tough, industrial-grade yarn meant to survive being thrown in the washing machine.
• Ball 37: Corrupted Holokey Yarn. A weirdly shaped skein that I can only trade to a specific guy named Ergo at the local craft fair.
• Ball 38: Endo Yarn. Pure, raw energy fiber. I weave this alongside other yarns to instantly level up their thickness.
• Ball 39: Kuva Yarn. A deep, blood-red skein. I use this to cycle the statistics of my blanket, hoping to roll a "+100% Warmth, +50% Softness" modifier.
• Ball 40: Focus Point Yarn. The final ball. It represents the cumulative experience of my bleeding fingers, unlocking the ultimate ability to finish the project without passing out.

Crafting time!

Just like picking the wrong Warframe build can ruin your mission efficiency, picking the wrong stitch will instantly bankrupt this carefully labeled resource pool. If I choose a Waffle Stitch, I am using a "Yarn-Eater." These dense patterns swallow material at double the speed. To stretch these 40 balls into a massive king-sized bedspread, I have to run the optimal Half Double Crochet (HDC) meta to maximize yardage efficiency. It is the real-world equivalent of running a Resource Booster.

Furthermore, working with fluffy chenille yarn is exactly like fighting the Infested in a dark tileset you cannot see anything. The fluffy fibers completely hide the loops. You can't look at your work; you have to physically feel for the gaps between the stitches with your fingers. If you don't use plastic Stitch Markers at the start and end of your rows, you will drop a stitch. Your blanket will stealth-nerf itself, slowly shrinking from a king-size bedspread into a lopsided triangle.

Finally, you can’t just tie two balls of fluffy yarn together with a standard knot. The fluff will slide right off, the knot will slip, and your entire 26-pound luxury blanket will unravel like an unmodded MK1-Braton. Instead, you have to gently strip the fuzzy polyester fibers off the tail ends to expose the thin thread core inside, then tie those bare inner strings together using an invisible knot. It is a literal mechanical link.

Mission Failed: Extraction Impossible

I thought I knew the meta. I thought my setup was optimized. But somewhere around hour thirty, the structural integrity of my entire operation hit critical failure.

Because I didn't lock down my edge boundaries with proper stitch markers, my rows started tanking. The fluffy chenille completely masked the dropped loops. By the time I noticed the divergence, the blanket wasn’t a king-size bedspread anymore; It had mutated. It look like a jagged, asymmetrical, polyester abomination, a literal geometric glitch that looks less like a cozy blanket and more like an infected Helminth mass taking over my sofa.

Worse, my invisible core-knots failed. I pulled slightly too hard on a row transition, and the structural link unraveled in a cascade of shedding polyester fluff. The Ferrite yarn disconnected from the Credits yarn, taking half the open-world faction grinds down with it. It is a complete, unmitigated squad wipe.

I gave up. I threw the 26-pound pile of tangled, fuzzy failure into the corner of the room, sat back down at my desk, and booted up the game.

I just stared at the Star Chart, watching the blinking nodes spin out of control, and honestly, the sheer chaos of the galactic economy feels comforting compared to my living room floor. At least when my virtual inventory spirals out of control, Lotus doesn't look at me with silent judgment.

It feels exactly like pushing for a 1-hour Mot Survival mission, running the absolute perfect farm composition, only for all three of your random teammates to hit the extraction pad at exactly the 45-minute mark without warning. You are left entirely alone in the dark, surrounded by scaling enemies you can't control, watching life support tick down to zero while holding nothing but a broken dream and a pile of useless scrap.

Mission failed, Tenno. We'll get 'em next

Bad day Baro Ki’Teer

 They see me standing on my gilded podium, draped in the finest silks the Orokin Era left behind, and they think I have it all. “Ah, the Void has been good to you, Baro,” they whisper, eyes wide with greed. They have absolutely no idea. Behind this pristine mask, I am on the verge of a violent, screaming nervous breakdown. My left eye won't stop twitching, and my blood is actively boiling. TennoCon isn't a celebration. It is a localized, 48-hour hate crime against my sanity inflicted by the most obnoxious, brainless parasites in the solar system.

Do you have any concept of what it takes to organize four hundred and fifty-one separate items by hand? One man. I don't have a crew of Moas to help me log this inventory. It is just me, a clipboard, and crates upon crates of volatile, ancient relics stacked to the ceiling of my ship. If I miscount a single Primed Continuity, the entire ledger collapses. I spent fourteen hours yesterday trying to sort twenty-nine different Prisma and Mara weapons, nearly breaking my toe on a crate of Prova Vandals that someone left in the hallway. Then there are the cosmetics. One hundred and fifty-nine distinct capes, armor sets, and ridiculous ship decorations that I have to meticulously polish, count, and catalog. If one single Prisma Yamako Syandana goes missing, a horde of heavily armed teenagers will literally tear my ship apart.

And then, the doors open. That is when the true horror begins. The Tenno do not form an orderly queue. They do not possess a shred of basic dignity or consumer etiquette. They burst through the airlocks like a pack of rabid Kubrows, bullet-jumping off my pristine walls, doing unnecessary backflips over my display cases, and flashing blinding, neon-pink energy colors directly into my retinas. I am trapped on a tiny golden pedestal, a hostage in my own shop, watching child soldiers dance on the counter where I keep the merchandise. I have to stand there, completely motionless, pretending I am a regal merchant of distinction while a giant, infected frame covered in spikes aggressively twerks against my shoulder. I am one minor inconvenience away from opening the airlocks and letting the vacuum of space sort them out.

It infuriates me because these mindless gremlins don’t even deserve the power they wield. They are completely wasted on them. If the Lotus had any actual business sense, she would have hired me to pilot a Warframe. I would be an infinitely better Tenno than any of these twitching, hyperactive toddlers. Give me an Atlas frame. Give me a Rhino. I wouldn't waste time doing stupid handstands or coloring my armor like a radioactive circus tent. I would step into that biomechanical armor, march right down into this Relay, and personally kick the collective asses of every single Tenno demanding my wares. I would grab them by their stupid, expensive Syandanas and hurl them into the Void myself. They wouldn't dare spam their crouching animations at my feet if I had a Valkyr's claws attached to my wrists.

Instead, I am forced to accept their insult of a currency. They do not pay me in Credits. They pay me in Ducats. Do you know what a Ducat actually is? It is a piece of literal garbage that these space ninjas dug out of a golden trash can in a derelict tower. I am trading priceless, irreplaceable Orokin technology for a rusty Fang Prime Blade and a handful of useless Paris Prime blueprints. I am running the universe's most dangerous pawn shop, accepting actual junk metal while my imaginary accountant weeps in the corner. By hour thirty, I am staring at a mountain of digital scrap metal, wondering how my life path led me to becoming a glorified garbage collector for a bunch of hyperactive mercenaries who I could easily out-fight if given the chance.

I am so deeply, profoundly tired. I don't want to see the Void anymore. I look out into the starlight and I don't see wonder; I just see a beautiful, empty expanse where nobody can ask me for a Primed Flow. I want to burn this coat. I want to throw this mask into a star. My ultimate dream is to buy a tiny, quiet hut on the farthest beach of Cetus, sip a warm beverage, and live out my days in a place where the word "Prisma" is legally banned. But tomorrow, the sirens will wail, the airlocks will hiss, and I will force myself to inhale, plaster on my fake merchant smile, and lie to their hideous, masked faces. "Ah, the Void has been good to me." God help me, I need to retire.

Digital Extreme’s Hail Mary

 I just watched Project Hail Mary this weekend, and the narrative parallels between that story and where Warframe is heading with its next major update are impossible to ignore. This isn't a case of creative plagiarism, but rather a fascinating instance of two massive sci-fi properties independently converging on the exact same thematic and astronomical target: Tau Ceti.

In Project Hail Mary, Ryland Grace wakes up from a deep, induced coma with massive amnesia on an isolated, silent interstellar ship. His crewmates are literally corpses. He has to piece together his fragmented memory while staring out the window at a completely unfamiliar star chart. This is the exact foundational blueprint of Warframe. When we play the game, we wake up from a dream with severe cosmic amnesia, surrounded by the literal, hollow ghosts of a dead Orokin empire. Now, the new trailers explicitly state the ultimate objective fact: "Tau is in sight." For both stories, Tau is treated as the final, desperate frontier for humanity's survival, turning a standard expansion into a desperate, one-way interstellar voyage.

If you look at the raw facts side-by-side, Digital Extremes is leaning heavily into the structural blueprint of hard science fiction:

• Amnesia Start (Movie): Waking up alone in space with zero memory of the past.
• The Awakening (Game): Waking from the Second Dream with wiped memories.
• The Lost Crew (Movie): Surrounded by the dead remains of the original crew.
• The Orokin Fall (Game): Navigating a solar system built on the ghosts of a dead empire.
• One-Way Ticket (Movie): Heading to a totally new star system to fix a dying sun.
• Tau Destination (Game): Leaping past the Origin system out into the completely alien Tau system.
• The Pivot (Movie): Survival depends on logic, science puzzles, and adapting, not fighting.
• Mechanical Shift (Game): Moving away from standard weapon damage toward decoding void data anomalies.

There is a deeper historical irony to this connection. While the developers aren't actively copying the film, Warframe itself was famously Digital Extremes' literal, real-life "Hail Mary" pass. Back in 2012, the studio was facing total financial annihilation. A major publisher canceled their project, leaving them just months away from bankruptcy. They were forced to lay off staff just to keep the lights on.

If you look at early developer interviews, creative director Steve Sinclair openly admitted they were living project-to-project, constantly "four to six months away from annihilation". The industry told them a free-to-play, sci-fi ninja game would fail. Out of options, they shoved all their remaining chips into the middle of the table and bet it all on a ten-year-old scrapped idea. The core design philosophy of Warframe wasn’t built on a cozy corporate strategy; it was forged in the absolute panic of a survival mission where a single misstep meant extinction.

DE has been incredibly coy about setting up this return to their survival roots. If you look back at the historical pattern of their communications, they’ve been hiding the breadcrumbs in plain sight for years. During Devstream 140, they quietly introduced a specific item prefix to the game: "Ceti". At the time, the community brushed it off as random flavor text. But "Ceti" is literally the astronomical half of Tau Ceti—the exact, real-world solar system that hard sci-fi giants use when they want to tell a story about deep space isolation and scientific survival. DE didn't just stumble into a horror theme; they have been actively running a multi-year chess game to transition us away from the comfortable power-trip of the Origin system.

Based on the structural rules of this specific subgenre, we can decipher exactly how the next gameplay loop is going to shift. In Hail Mary, the mission isn't about brute-force conquering an enemy; it’s a desperate scientific puzzle to stop an extinction-level crisis. The new teasers emphasize that someone or something is tracking variables, analyzing data, and hunting for immunities in the void. This tells us Warframe’s next major chapter isn't going to be won by our current power creep. We aren't going to Tau to easily vaporize mobs with standard weapon loadouts. We are entering an unfeeling, isolated star system where our traditional gear fails us, forcing us to adapt, solve environmental mechanics, and completely rebuild our understanding of survival from scratch.

The community thinks we’re heading out to just collect shiny new weapons or unlock a casual new frame. They’re laughing, making memes, and planning Twitch drops. But looking closely at the thematic trajectory, we are being funneled away from our comfortable, familiar solar system and sent directly into a cold, isolated void. There is no guide coming to save us this time. When the TennoLive broadcast goes live, you’re going to see the illusion of safety disappear.

Watch the shadows.

Warframe: Tau Time!

 The Road to Tau: Unlocking Warframe’s Ultimate Endgame

It happened over a perfectly innocent plate of meatloaf. My wife, sitting across the table, asked a dangerous question—the kind of polite, casual conversational trap designed to bridge the gap between normal human beings and someone who spends his free time managing a space-ninja spreadsheet.

"So, Scary," she said, passing the gravy while eyeing the TV across the room, which was quietly airing a rerun of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "What’s going on in that space game you always write about? Is it like Star Wars?"

I paused. I could have given the safe answer. I could have said it’s a game about sleek, mechanical cyber-ninjas leaping across the solar system to slice up corporate greed and clone armies. But I didn't. I was riding the high of the recent 43rd update, Jade Shadows: Constellations patch notes, and my brain was completely fried by the looming community frenzy surrounding TennoCon 2026.

"Well," I said, leaning forward and accidentally dropping a dollop of mashed potatoes onto the tablecloth. "The main characters are actually deeply traumatized, void-mutated middle-schoolers who were tricked by an ancient, beautiful space-mother into letting their souls be poured into biological puppet-armor so they can slaughter millions of bio-engineered clone soldiers."

My wife stared at me blankly. Breaking the silence Willy Wonka was happily leading a pack of his own child-like, orange Oompa Loompas down a dangerous, unregulated sugar tube. My wife looked at me then looked a the TV and slowly lowered her fork, her eyes wide with a specific expression of deep concern.

Sensing the tension, our small, white, one-eyed dog, who usually sits under the table waiting for rogue chunks of beef, trotted out and stared up at me. Her solitary eye locked onto mine, radiating a mix of confusion and blind loyalty. Before my wife could say a word, she abruptly stood up. "I need a quick bathroom break," she muttered, quickly excusing herself to escape the sudden sermon on fictional child exploitation as the door clicked shut.

"But it's great!" I yelled toward the hallway. "Because we're more than likely going to the Tau system this winter, where those kids can reunite with their original corporate overlords and get back to doing what children do best: hard, unregulated industrial labor!"

The Sourdough Zariman and the Gilded Age of Void Orphans

By the time my wife returned from the bathroom, wiping her hands on a dish towel and looking distinctly annoyed, I had strategically recreated the Warframe star chart out of our hearty, romantic dinner feast. The dinner table was no longer a place for eating; it was now a perfect representation of a game so dear to my heart.

I grabbed a sourdough dinner roll, holding it high in the air right in front of her face. "Look!" I insisted, pointing a butter knife at the bread. "This roll is a massive civilian colony ship called the Zariman Ten Zero. To truly appreciate why the upcoming journey to Tau is such a massive milestone, you have to look at the tragic history of our beloved main characters, the Tenno. They are basically the space-ninja equivalent of the kids from Newsies, just with fewer dance numbers and way more existential dread."

To illustrate my point, I scooped up our small, white, one-eyed dog. Supporting her belly with both hands, I gently flew her through the air, swooping her over the plate of green beans.

"See her?" I told my blinking, speechless wife as our dog happily wagged her tail in mid-air. "She is now a standard-issue Kubrow, a genetically engineered combat pet. She is the perfect companion to these kids that were completely exploited. The Tenno were on Zariman Ten Zero when it suffered a catastrophic accident, getting horribly lost in a hellish, mind-bending alternate dimension known as the Void. The adults went mad and turned on each other. The children survived, but they came out the other side deeply altered, infused with chaotic, terrifying void energies."

I gently landed my dog next to the meatloaf, which I had designated as Earth. She eyeballed the loaf with pure joy. Not caring if the dog ate our lovely meal, I continued, "when the ship finally drifted back into real space," gesturing to our single-eyed canine who was now sniffing the gravy boat, "the ruling Orokin Empire didn't throw them a welcome-home party, offer them counseling, or hand them a juice box. No, the Orokin looked at these glowing, highly dangerous orphans and had a classic, beautifully American pre-1938 epiphany: “These children possess unique, hyper-specific physical traits that make them absolutely perfect for the factory floor.”

My wife sat down, staring at the dog poised to devour the meatloaf, completely frozen waiting for the dog to dive in or for me to start making cocking the dog’s tail to make pew pew noises.

"Think about it," I said, leaning in. "Before the pesky Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 came along and ruined everything with 'human rights' and 'mandatory schooling,' America was an absolute powerhouse of industrial efficiency. Why? Because we understood the profound economic utility of a child. If a giant, spinning coal-sorting machine jammed up, you didn't send a grown man in there with his broad shoulder! NO! You sent an eight-year-old named Billy. Billy had those tiny, nimble little fingers perfectly suited for reaching deep into the gears of high-speed heavy machinery to extract a stray rock. Sure, Billy might lose a pinky, but the factory output remained unbothered. It was a glorious era of getting things done."

“The Orokin Empire operated on that exact same wave of pure, unadulterated capitalist inspiration. They were losing a massive war against the Sentients, a race of highly adaptive terraforming robots that could hack and turn any high-tech weapon against humanity. The cleaver Orokin realized the Sentients couldn't adapt to the chaotic, unpredictable magic of the Void children. So, what did they do? They built biological, metallic armor suits (Warframes), hooked the kids up to sensory deprivation pods, and put those nimble little void-fingers straight to work on the front lines of galactic warfare. It wasn’t a tragedy; it was the ultimate vanguard internship program!” I looked to my wife then to the dog proud of my speech, waiting for a standing ovation. 

Carburetors, K-Drives, and the Ventkids of My Garage

My wife took a very long, very aggressive swig of her wine, looking deeply disturbed by how much joy I was getting out of 19th-century labor demographics. Desperate to derail my train of thought and drag me back to reality, she cleared her throat loudly.

"Okay, dynamic economics aside... how is the motorcycle restoration going? Did you fix that fuel line?"

"Funny you should ask!" I shouted, completely missing the lifeline she had just thrown me. I reached across the table to steal the last piece of garlic bread, which I instantly designated as a carburetor. "Because if we didn’t have those pesky modern labor laws, I wouldn't have to spend my weekends struggling to get my hands into the tight, greasy gaps of that motorcycle engine. I could've just sent our own three kids down into the garage! Their little hands are the perfect size to reach right past the exhaust manifold to tighten the microscopic fuel clamp without me having to remove the entire gas tank. It would be beautiful!"

My wife pinched the bridge of her nose. On the TV, a commercial for a gritty Oliver Twist remake started playing, perfectly scoring my descent into madness.

"And that," I said, picking up our white, one-eyed dog again and making low hover-engine humming noises as I glided her across the table, "is exactly why the Ventkids on Fortuna are the unsung heroes of the Origin System! They live in a debt-slavery penal colony under Venus, locked away by a corporate oligarchy called the Corpus. These kids literally spend their days hiding in the ventilation shafts of a massive neon city, stripping stolen robotic parts to build custom jet-powered hoverboards called K-Drives. They are the ultimate off-the-books, self-taught mechanics. It’s a beautiful disaster! One day you are fishing on Earth, the next you are buying hoverboard parts from a kid living in a vent, and the next you are diving into mysterious, ink-soaked canvas horror portals in the ruined Vesper Relay thanks to the recent The Shadowgrapher update."

The Promised Land of Tau: Fulfilling the Cosmic Assembly Line

"I am going to change the subject again," my wife announced, her annoyance finally hardening into pure defeat. "Or I'm going to polish of this bottle of wine quickly and eat my meatloaf in the garage."

Before she could move, I turned my attention back to my remaining, captive audience member. I leaned down so I was eye-to-eye with our dog's solitary, beautiful eye. "Don't you see, girl?" I whispered, as she gave a tiny, hopeful whimper for a piece of meatloaf. "The buzz across the community is reaching an absolute fever pitch. Dataminers have uncovered event glyphs blending Sentient technology with Narmer faction aesthetics. Official countdown trailers are showing distorted skyboxes with blindingly dark blue suns, the exact cosmic signature of the real-world Tau Ceti solar system."

She eyeballed me riveted with my story. “The community theory is that we are finally breaking through the 13-year planetary barrier and launching a massive expansion into the Tau System this winter. For the Tenno, this is the ultimate homecoming. Tau is the paradise their parents died trying to reach. It is a system built out of the living, adaptive matter of the Sentients, featuring glowing blue energy ribbons cutting through floating, organic landmasses.” I took a large swig of wine to help lubricate my next barrage of words.

“But more importantly, going to Tau means our child-soldiers can finally fulfill their true cosmic destiny.

Think of how amazing Tau is going to be for the galactic economy. For over a decade, these Tenno have been wasting their incredible potential on trivial things like "saving the universe" and "seeking existential autonomy." That is a terrible waste of a youthful workforce. When we finally land on planets like Tauron, the Tenno can finally reunite with the remnants of their original creators and get back to the true glory days of unregulated assembly line efficiency.

Just imagine the sheer utility! A giant, lumbering Rhino Prime doesn't have the delicate touch required to assemble the highly intricate internal components of a modern MK IV Railjack turret. But a tiny, void-infused teenager operating from a somatic pod? Those kids are practically engineered by the cosmos to put the microscopic, tiny screws into the main-hand Haalvu rifle. Their hands are small enough to reach deep into the overheating plasma cores of our space fleets to tighten a loose bolt without needing to turn the engine off. It is the kind of hyper-efficient, around-the-clock labor structure that would make a 19th-century railroad tycoon weep tears of absolute joy.”

And breathe…

Clocking In for the Next Decade of the Grind

My wife sighed, completely throwing her hands up in resignation. She took one look at me, still holding a piece of garlic bread in one hand while using the other to gently slide our one-eyed dog across the tablecloth like a landing spaceship, and decided to just take her plate and go sit on the couch in the living room.

Our dog gave one final grunt, hopped off the table, and followed her, satisfied that her brief stint as an interstellar vanguard cruiser was over. Willy Wonka finally rolled the credits on the television.

From the safety of the couch, my wife stared back at me with deep concern. "So," she called out, shaking her head. "It's a game about tiny kids fixing space engines?"

"Exactly," I said, smiling proudly and wiping a bit of gravy off my shirt. "And it is going to be magnificent."

Whether we are uncovering the dark secrets of the Sentients or just looking for a more reliable way to farm Tauforged Archon Shards, the road to Tau is shaping up to be the most hilariously ambitious narrative leap Digital Extremes has ever taken. The Tenno have spent a decade fighting a war they were tricked into joining. It’s only fair that we finally let them cross the void, clock into a proper 80-hour work week, and finally get to work on those tiny space screws.

Act 1: Pong

Now that Boomers are finally dying off, the rest of the world can relax and play their video games without being harassed. Video games are ere to say and have been a way of life for most of the population their whole lives. I do not remember a time I did not have a video game to look at or hold in my hands. When I came out of the flesh curtains of life, video games were there for me. I hit the stage on my opening act playing Pong.

Act 1: Pong

In November of 1972, Pong hit the streets as the first drug for the youth. While our parents were snorting cocaine, we were sitting in front of the TV watching a pixel ball bounce back and forth at our command. Unlike the drug of choice our parents were snorting, our drug was only intoxicating us with the sheer joy of entertainment. While our parents were naked in a rain gutter tripping balls, we were sitting in front of the TV with our balls protected by Underoos. Hulk Underoos to be exact.

Even though I wasn’t born yet and Pong only existed in a fake world I didn’t make real yet, the start of the video game revolution had begun. When I did finally eject from the mothership hyper-sleep chamber in 1976, Pong was waiting for me. I did not even wash the mother-sledge off before I had a controller slipping and sliding in my little mitts.

The year was 1978, and I was a two year old addicted to the sound of blip, blip, blop as the Pong ball bound franticly around our 19 inch TV screen. As a two year old, the screen was the size of a movie theater screen. I had to run from one side of the room to the other just to follow the Pong ball from paddle to paddle. My sister took joy in tripping me as I ran. If I fell too long she would unleash a violent fart in my face that smelt like last night’s dinner of liver and onions.  I did not care though! Life was cruel at my young age and my sister was just conditioning me for the battles I will need to fight in the future.

I never lost a Pong match that I can remember. Even at the young age of two, I was a gaming prodigy. I spun the Pong controller wheel with confidence and power. I used all my might and even my hips to get the ball moving. The gamma rays from my Hulk undies gave me superhuman strength and the power to do the impossible in Pong. To this day, I still have a pair of Hulk Underoos to give me that extra edge in life. My wife knows when I slip on the green meat suppressors, I am getting ready for an intensive battle in the video game world. She loves me for my room presents when I am wearing my battle gear. It is our thing…

As the years passed and more advanced games came out, I quickly forgot about Pong. The smell of liver and the visual barrage of Pong will be forever burned into my mind and senses.  A day does not go by that I do not think of my glory days of gaming. At the dirty age of 45, my mind is not what it used to be and I have not won a video game championship in years. I want to share my stories of pain, suffering, and glory while playing video games with you. Act 1 is the first installment of my Patreon video game history. Because my Patreon is new and I want you to know what to expect from me, this short story is open for all to see.

If you want to see or unsee more of this to help children that are battling terminal illnesses, take the time to check out my subscription tiers. As little as $1 can provide a child with a pacifier that could be a shield to deflect their siblings evil farts.

Thank you for reading and I hope to see you again. 

#BlaugustReborn Episode 2

Today I am taking it old school!

When I first started blogging I only did it on my iPhone 1, so I figured today would be a good day to post a blog post from my phone. Unlike other bloggers, I'm not going to give you tips (unless you like tips. Just the tips!) I'm just going to give you real life blogging experiences.

When I was growing up I had a lot of accidents. I can't count how many times I fell out of a tree or jumped face first in the dirt because Superman tricked me into thinking I could fly. There were times I had to go out in the rain in just my underwear to surf the church parking lot gutter waves. One time I was feeding a dog sandwich meat and he bit my hand. I found out later they had to put the dog down for biting me. These are things I have to live with for the rest of my life. I don't think I regret anything I did and  sure other people would've done things differently. What I did makes me who I am and I'm proud of who I've become.

As a blogger I've had several blogs that I had fall on their face, I deleted, or I just gave up on. For me blogging is a very passionate hobby I choose to emotionally invested in. When I feel the blog is no longer me, I move on. I fo not have any regrets about my blogging past. Over the past 10 years of blogging I've met some amazing people. Out of those people I've probably pissed them off at some point. I've lost good friends by just opening my mouth or joking around with them. I can't think of a single one of them I still do not consider friends even if they do not like me anymore. For me it is the experience and community that makes it all worth it. If I've said something to make you mad, I'm sorry but seriously get over it you are just wasting your own personal time and energy holding a grudge. I don't have time for that shit. That said, I hold no ill feelings towards anyone. Part about f being a online presence is to interact and understand everyone to s unique in their own way.

If you are a blogger and you receive a bad comment don't get upset just understand everyone was raised differently and what they say might not be a personal attack. If you did not breast feed off them as a baby, then you don't own them anything and they do not understand you the way you think you should be. You are who you are and should be proud no matter what. There is only one of you and nobody has ever experienced what you have. There is only one person you should try to impress everyday and that is you. Remember, I thought I could fly and broke my nose. I do not regret that and to this day I still have hopes I can fly someday. My tip as a blogger is simple, you do you for you.

Love you!
-Scarybooster

#Blaugust Day 1

It appears it is August 1st and it is time to do Blaugust. I haven’t been able to write very much on a blog over the past couple years because a couple reasons. I will go over those reasons so you can be officially bored by them. Here is a list of reasons I can’t be bothered to blog:

1. I went back to school to get an education- This month I will be 44 years old and I spent most of my life being a dumbass. When I was growing up I had a hard time reading and had a bit of dyslexia. What I remember the most was being in 4th grade trying to read “See Pug Run.” It wasn’t until I was in 10th grade that I read my first book ever. When you do not grow up reading and you struggle with it, you tend to avoid it as much as possible. The weird thing about me learning to read at a later age is, I grew to love writing. From 10th grade on I started writing as much as possible and enjoyed it because it was an outlet for my creativity. The only bad part about writing and not learning to read until a later age was, I had a hard time with grammar and spelling. It really didn’t stop me from writing for myself, but I was too shy to show anything I wrote to other people.  Towards the end of high school I was very passionate about writing, but knew I would never be good at it, so I went to college for a trade skill, architecture.

I only lasted a semester in college before I failed out of it. Architecture was extremely boring to me and I became more interested in a girl with giant breasts in my classes. They were mesmerizing! Besides the godly breasts, I learned a valuable lesson failing out of college, school was not for me. Before I left the school, my English teacher pulled me aside and told me I was in the wrong major anyways and should really think about learning English more because she really enjoyed my writing. It was an amazing complement after struggling with reading my whole life, but college would have to wait as I signed up for the military. I won’t bore you with the details of the next few years, but education was not something I pursued for the next 20 years. So what changed?

In my military job I was moving up and what I wanted to be in the military required me to have an associate degree. While getting the last few credits for my associate degree I decided I might as well use my military GI Bill and get a real degree. That is when I stopped blogging. In December 2015, I started going back to school for real and blogging had to wait. I now have my BA in Information Systems and I am currently pursuing my MS in Social Psychology with a focus in human factors and technology. That is the technical speak for, mentally analyzing how people interact through social media and other technology based social interaction. That means video games, blogs, YouTube and other stuff that draws our attention to our phones more than old-fashioned social interaction. I’m watching you!

2. With the little time I have to relax after getting my learn on, I play video games- The last thing I want to do after spending 10 hours at work and 3 hours a night doing school work is to sit at a computer writing a blog post for your ass. Sorry, but you are not really worth it to me. I’ve tried to want to write, but I’m just too mentally drained to think about it. This point really leads to the next couple points.

3. I freelance for MMORPG.com- Most of my writing efforts go into writing for MMORPG.com when I get time. I love that website and I’ve been reading them since they were founded in 1997. I think if I was a better writer of content creator, I would try to invents more time with them and be a part of their full-time staff. Right now, I really can’t bring anything to the table they would really need me for. I have some ideas, but with schooling, I am unable to commit the time to them. If you read any gaming website please read MMORPG.com because the staff there are the best people in the world.

4. Blogs are dying- Sorry, but it is true. There are still people that read blogs, but it is not what it once was 5-10 years ago. With streaming and YouTube it is easier and faster to listen to a person’s opinion than take the time to read it. It is very sad to me because I love writing and with my history with reading, I understand how important it is to keep reading. Kids these days will be hurting when they are adults if they stop reading and only turn to video media. That and social media like Twitter gives people a quick fix of information without reading fluff. I believe things like Blaugust are great because it brings more attention to written words and brings the blogging community together.

5. I don’t have a number 5- There is so much in this world today that just sucks the life out of us and saps our energy to be creative. Over the last year my family has been dealing with a sexist boss my wife had that used his position power to ruin our lives. She spoke up and told the truth about something illegal he did and he used his power to turn it all on her. In essence in less than a year we lost almost $30,000 a year in pay because of it. We are not hurting for money now, but we have had to reevaluate our spending habits and future life choices. The worst part is, my wife now lives in fear at her new work. Whenever she wants to make a suggestion or try to fix something she feels like she is going to get fired or people think she is stupid. It is horrible to constantly live in fear because somebody has abused their power. We’ve seen this a lot lately with the #MeToo movement. The people that dismiss the movement are the problem. They fear their strangle hold on their employees and women are in jeopardy. Nobody should have to live in fear daily for being who they are. I can’t fix it because I am a white male, but I can say something if I see it. The Bystander Effect is a serious problem in our society that needs to stop. The problem is people like me. The white middle class male is so comfortable sitting on top of our throne of easy, we are too afraid to do the right thing and speak up against this shit. Sadly, making my way around the internet I don’t see any white males speaking up. All I see is more and more feeling entitled to be racist, sexist, and all around dicks. On the subject of dicks, what really makes you think anybody wants to see yours in a direct message? NOBODY! These are the people that are running our corporations, our country, and our lives. The abuse of power needs to stop or as a country, we will fall behind the rest of the world. More than ever, we need to work as a whole society and treat each other with respect because right now, we look like idiots. We have to stop pitting against each other because of our race, sex, political stance, gender, or religion. It’s just sad we can’t get over this hump and stop treating each other like shit because it might hurt our ego by understanding we are not special individually. We are only special together.

Welcome to day 1 of Blaugust!

Blaugust 2018!!!

The last time I wrote a blog post on this site was in April of 2015. If you don’t believe me just look at the post below this one.  I first started blogging back in 2008 when Warhammer Online was the new hot MMO. My first blog was called The Order of Destruction. All my blog posts at that time were done on an iPhone 1 with minimal editing. Over the years I had several blogs as I found new interests in the new HAWT MMO’s coming out. I lived on the hype of new MMOs and they all sucked. It seemed from 2008 to now, all MMOs just suck. I wish we could get out of this cycle of sucky MMOs trying to ride the coat-tails of WoW’s formula. Because I lost interest in sucky MMOs, I stopped blogging. Well, that is a lie. I mainly stopped blogging because people stopped reading words. Blogging has become a dinosaur when it comes to gaming information. If you are not streaming or Youtubing , you are shit. I discovered I was shit. As a blogger that doesn’t know how to do anything technological wise, I lost touch with the new kids on the block. Even though blogging is still a dinosaur and this post is just going to be lost in the void forever, I am still doing it to be a part of a larger movement. I joined Blaugust!

Blaugust is a bunch of old people that can’t let go of a dying media that decided to write a lot of crap during August. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing and I love the idea of Blaugust, but I doubt I am going to stay writing past August 31. I am just too much of an attention whore to waste my time not getting instant gratification. Personally, I would love to see blogging come back because I love writing and getting lots of attention. With my skills lacking in common sense, technology, and a personal filter I am unable to make any more excuses as to why I can’t do it, besides I am not pretty.  So, it appears you will only be able to read my crap for the month of August. When I say read I mean, I will only be able to read myself for the month of August. You see, I know nobody is going to read this so there is no need for me to be politically correct or give a shit what I am actually saying. If you’ve read this far please seek therapy.

What can you expect to not read from me in the month of Blaugust? Most likely I will talk about you and how much you suck. Oh, and I might talk about Warframe just a little bit. As you can see below, I have always loved Warframe and played the game. To this day I think Warframe is the only game I’ve played more than 600 hours on. Yeah I played a lot of WoW and Overwatch, but I do not think they come close to the amount of time I’ve spent in Warframe. I believe you are stupid for not playing it. I just had to add that to make sure you understood I don’t give a shit what you think and believe you should play Warframe more than any other game in this world. Let me give you a quick rundown as to why you should be playing Warframe. Because it is fun! There that was a painless list. I do play other game too, but it would not be fitting to talk about them in the same paragraph as Warframe. Here is my fake transition to the next paragraph I hope you are happy.

I started playing Guild Wars 2 again. I took a year or two off after Heart of Thorns sucked. In GW2’s defense, HoT did not technically suck it was just very hard on a person like me. You see, I’ve gotten trapped in a paper bag before and the maps in GW2 are big paper bags filled with my own personal hell. The most frustrating part of GW2 to me is the maps. I’ve spent hours looking for a hole to exit, which is hard for me because I have three kids. I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent crying in the shower because of the GW2 maps. When HoT came out and took the maps vertical, I didn’t leave the shower. Needless to say, I returned because of the mounts. The game now has mounts I can use to help me with my map phobia. Other than GW2 and Warframe, I don’t think I’ll be playing any other games for the next couple months. Even though I played WoW on and off for over 10 years, the new expansion coming out in August looks like it lacking anything I would ever be interested in.

I think I’ve written enough for myself. I will be writing more in the month of August and I hope you read it. I promise I will insult you more and write like I am on meth. If you like my writing please tell me. If you don’t like it, please shut the hell up and keep reading. If you still enjoy written words please read all the stuff people write for Blaugust. It is important we keep reading and not get dumbed down like the younger generation. Please support your local blogger!

PS. I didn’t edit this either because who gives a crap!

Blaugust 2018!!!

The last time I wrote a blog post on this site was in April of 2015. If you don’t believe me just look at the post below this one.  I first started blogging back in 2008 when Warhammer Online was the new hot MMO. My first blog was called The Order of Destruction. All my blog posts at that time were done on an iPhone 1 with minimal editing. Over the years I had several blogs as I found new interests in the new HAWT MMO’s coming out. I lived on the hype of new MMOs and they all sucked. It seemed from 2008 to now, all MMOs just suck. I wish we could get out of this cycle of sucky MMOs trying to ride the coat-tails of WoW’s formula. Because I lost interest in sucky MMOs, I stopped blogging. Well, that is a lie. I mainly stopped blogging because people stopped reading words. Blogging has become a dinosaur when it comes to gaming information. If you are not streaming or Youtubing , you are shit. I discovered I was shit. As a blogger that doesn’t know how to do anything technological wise, I lost touch with the new kids on the block. Even though blogging is still a dinosaur and this post is just going to be lost in the void forever, I am still doing it to be a part of a larger movement. I joined Blaugust!
Blaugust is a bunch of old people that can’t let go of a dying media that decided to write a lot of crap during August. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing and I love the idea of Blaugust, but I doubt I am going to stay writing past August 31. I am just too much of an attention whore to waste my time not getting instant gratification. Personally, I would love to see blogging come back because I love writing and getting lots of attention. With my skills lacking in common sense, technology, and a personal filter I am unable to make any more excuses as to why I can’t do it, besides I am not pretty.  So, it appears you will only be able to read my crap for the month of August. When I say read I mean, I will only be able to read myself for the month of August. You see, I know nobody is going to read this so there is no need for me to be politically correct or give a shit what I am actually saying. If you’ve read this far please seek therapy.
What can you expect to not read from me in the month of Blaugust? Most likely I will talk about you and how much you suck. Oh, and I might talk about Warframe just a little bit. As you can see below, I have always loved Warframe and played the game. To this day I think Warframe is the only game I’ve played more than 600 hours on. Yeah I played a lot of WoW and Overwatch, but I do not think they come close to the amount of time I’ve spent in Warframe. I believe you are stupid for not playing it. I just had to add that to make sure you understood I don’t give a shit what you think and believe you should play Warframe more than any other game in this world. Let me give you a quick rundown as to why you should be playing Warframe. Because it is fun! There that was a painless list. I do play other game too, but it would not be fitting to talk about them in the same paragraph as Warframe. Here is my fake transition to the next paragraph I hope you are happy.

I started playing Guild Wars 2 again. I took a year or two off after Heart of Thorns sucked. In GW2’s defense, HoT did not technically suck it was just very hard on a person like me. You see, I’ve gotten trapped in a paper bag before and the maps in GW2 are big paper bags filled with my own personal hell. The most frustrating part of GW2 to me is the maps. I’ve spent hours looking for a hole to exit, which is hard for me because I have three kids. I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent crying in the shower because of the GW2 maps. When HoT came out and took the maps vertical, I didn’t leave the shower. Needless to say, I returned because of the mounts. The game now has mounts I can use to help me with my map phobia. Other than GW2 and Warframe, I don’t think I’ll be playing any other games for the next couple months. Even though I played WoW on and off for over 10 years, the new expansion coming out in August looks like it lacking anything I would ever be interested in.

I think I’ve written enough for myself. I will be writing more in the month of August and I hope you read it. I promise I will insult you more and write like I am on meth. If you like my writing please tell me. If you don’t like it, please shut the hell up and keep reading. If you still enjoy written words please read all the stuff people write for Blaugust. It is important we keep reading and not get dumbed down like the younger generation. Please support your local blogger!

PS. I didn’t edit this either because who gives a crap!